Even with No Contact, My abuser is still intrusive on my daily life

[Eris]

I posted awhile back that my abuser is publishing a vanity book. We found out more about it this week. Originally I had hoped that it would just be available online, but that is not the case. His book is going to be available in several national chain bookstores this spring, with some international printings. It is bigger than I ever imagined and it is quite overwhelming. After a pretty intense panic attack my wife and I agreed that NC would also include staying off of social media, and sadly possibly avoiding the bookstore.

It is uncomfortable being so aware of how much I am triggered and what I feel like I need to do to avoid being triggered right now. Part of me is ashamed that I cannot handle seeing images of my abuser or getting information about him. I feel like I should be tougher than that, but I am also aware that type of "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" thinking has been ingrained in me by my abusers.

I am frustrated by my limitations right now. It feels like my world is getting smaller, not bigger by dealing with my abuse/ being in the present/ acknowledging my feelings. I really enjoy going to the bookstore. It is one of the few places that I feel safe and calm. Usually they are quieter places to go to and being an artist something about pictures and the feel of paper is very reassuring to me. I'm mad that those places feel unsafe now. Having a nice time and randomly coming upon his book, at least right now, would really piss me off. I'm torn between knowing that I have the option that if I do see the book that I could approach the manager of the bookstore and ask them to not sell the book... and that I could just try and let it go. I feel like I have put myself into a no-win situation where if I do not confront it I am not strong, and if I do confront it that it will take a toll on me. And having to weigh the notion that changing one person's mind isn't enough for me right now. I'm sort of done with the uphill battle.

I'm annoyed that social media is also off the activities menu. Yet it has made me even more grateful for this site and forum. I've tried limiting myself on social media and it has not worked. Just checking once a day or once a week still seems to have the same effect: I'm triggered. The more days and weeks I get away from social media the better I get. I can't deny that anymore. It also feels irresponsible to put my wife through that. If I can control my contact with social media, then I should try. If I had an allergy to nuts it would be stupid to keep eating peanut butter... it is weird to consider that I'm allergic to social media.

Social media gave me a feeling of control. It was safe to post online and not have to deal with people in person, it sort of bypassed my social anxieties. It is sad that it is a tool that I do not feel like I can use or benefit from in the moment. For a long time my connection to social media and posting gave me a sense of self and purpose, and it is weird but probably pretty healthy to be trying to find that elsewhere. It is hard to not monitor the comments on my site and to just let it be. I do not know what will happen when my abuser's book is published and people begin to read it. I don't know if people will troll my sitting social media or not. I care about that, but I'm hoping to care about it less as time goes on.

I'm worried that my abuser's book will give trolls and ignorant people the tools that they need to bully me. It is much easier for most people to believe that I am crazy then deal with this country's rampant denial of sexual abuse. I just keep thinking about all of the people that talk about meeting my abuser once and thinking that he was such a nice person; therefore that one meeting trumps my decades of knowledge and experience with this demon. Now people can say "I read the book, so I know the truth." Ugh. I feel like the universe is asking a lot of me. I understand not caring what people think and say as a concept, but this seems like radical "not caring" on steroids.

My abuser has a product with his last name (my former last name) on it. It is at a lot of restaurants. There are billboards of it. Now there will be a book. States away and no contact, my abuser seems like an infection that will never go away and possibly continue to grow and worsen.

I'm hoping that he digs himself a rather deep hole with the book. I know that when he tries to fix things he always makes them worse. In the book I'll either be erased, or appropriated without my permission. Both options seem pretty gross. But as I'm writing this I can see that I am very focused on my abuser and things that I feel I have no power over.

I should remind myself that I do not answer to my abuser. That I did get away from him. That I did extricate myself from a complex situation and I was able to secure enough funds to provide myself time to heal. I legally changed my last name. That gave me some power over myself. I'm just a couple weeks into new medication, maybe some day the things that trigger me so much currently will not. While I may not be happy with my limitations, at least I acknowledge them. I am able to see a minefield for what it is now.

I want to thank the people that have commented on my posts. It has been very helpful. It has helped me to try and move on.

[Not Alone]

This sounds very overwhelming and triggering. Continue doing what you need to do to take care of yourself.

[sj]

Hi Eris
I'm so sorry that you are going through such an intensely triggering experience.
From what you have written and how you've expressed your situation it seems to me that you are doing amazingly well in the circumstances.
I really hope you can find ways to not be critical or down on yourself for how you are feeling, because finding this difficult seems completely justified.
As not alone said, please look after yourself. Sorry I can't offer anything more useful, but I did want to acknowledge your post and the weight of what's going on for you right now.

[sanmagic7]

 

i have trouble w/ being triggered on a regular basis as well, coming from a lot of different angles, so i can relate.  my world has gotten smaller because of it as well.  still, can't get away from all of it all the time.  i'm hoping that what i continue to do is also going to help me not be so triggered in the end.  altho i'm not on social media, i had the same problem w/ watching the news, and basically had to go NC with it.  it's just all very frustrating.

keep up the good work, eris.     i, too, think you're doing extremely well, considering the circumstances.  love and hugs,