TW: raped as a baby at age one

[RA-Survivor]

I was raped as a baby as soon as I was born. I had no chance to be. I had no power to stop my abusers. At age 0-1 I was already fully exploited by my two main abusers who have adopted me, just to rape and molest me. My entire 24 years of life is all about being raped. I'm like born for rapes. Born to be abused. Born just to be molested, like it's my sole purpose of existence, is to be extremely humiliated in front of them. Most of my life is blank via amnesia. I wouldn't be able to make it alive, if without the amnesia. The amnesia is extremely deep, to dissociate the traumatic memories. Just as the trauma was at the very least, most extreme.

I mean. You can't get a little child at age 4 to function well, continuously, if without that extreme level of amnesia to the trauma. You can't survive, if every moment every second of life was off-the-scale traumatic. I'm seeing my psychiatrist this Friday for the first time in 9 months ever since hospitalisation that was caused by the failed suicide attempts last year. I don't want to be too confronting to him and would just do it slow. But to the rapes part. I just can't seem to even find my way to speak about it to him. Maybe I'll just hang in space and talk something general for a time first. I don't want to blank out. I don't want him to diagnose me with DID. I had it with another in the past. The label itself is just scary in itself. The shock of reality.

[Kizzie]

Just my two cents RA Survivor, but if you do have DID it's likely what protected you from the RSA you endured and helped you to survive.  And although being labeled is scary for most of us, it is what can help us to find the relevant, effective help we may need to recover. 

I do hope your appt on Fri goes well and also wanted to say you have every right to go at your own pace, we are in control now unlike when we were children