Medication & Starting over

[Eris]

I began taking medication a couple weeks ago for my C-PTSD. I'm not writing this to advocate for others taking medication or not. It's just about my journey. I have been on medication in the past and it was more like a band-aid. This time I went to a specialist and I was able to be really honest about what wasn't working and what I did when I was triggered. So far the prescriptions have been much different than what I have taken in the past. They have targeting things like nightmarish sleep and debilitating depression with some good beginning results. It doesn't feel like the former "band aid" approach.

I finally felt like I could no longer get through my days without any help. I really want to establish a "baseline" so that I can be able to do some of the things that people say to do that might help... like meditation or yoga etc. Or have a schedule that I feel like I have some control over. I just haven't been calm enough to participate in a lot of "healing" activities. It is odd being relaxed more often, and it is odd having a tool available to me that helps when my head is beginning to obsess or spiral. I wonder why I did not get help earlier, and then the opposite I chastise myself for not being more resilient and needing the help.

I've noticed more my wife and how she has been affected by my discomfort and this disease. Acknowledging how it has been hard for her, and how much relief that she is showing now that I have gotten some "help" has been humbling and hard to accept. Being nervous that the medication makes me into a "nicer" person, that is hard too. I feel a little floaty and lost. Sometimes bored or scattered. When I first began to feel a bit of relief I wanted to begin fighting publicly again with my abusers and then I had to take a step back and realize the toll that it has taken on me and on my wife. If I am not fighting, I do not really know what I'm doing. I found myself thinking "I should just fight to lose." That doesn't even make sense. It is really hard to let go. I do not want to forgive my abusers, but I also do not want to be this person who revels in revenge fantasies. I do not want my whole life to be about whether or not other people are in pain, and getting confirmation of that being uplifting. My life just needs to be about something else.

It is really hard to accept that no matter what I do, it will never be enough. And no matter whatever my abuser(s) might ever do to make things better... well that won't ever be enough either. It seems really ironic that some people can just seem to hurt you more. It seems like logically if you can break something you should also be able to fix it; but I guess those are two different skill sets that are not related.

I've started to see the difference between "stress" energy and actual physical energy. I believe that quite often over the past couple of years I've been running on adrenaline and not a real or accurate physical energy source. It is uncomfortable to begin to recognize not only my mental limitations but also my physical ones. Being able to go on a four mile walk because I am stressed out and using that energy to push myself too hard and then hurting my foot or back, is very different then being in great physical shape.

I've cut out almost all of my former relationships, because they were toxic or they were attached to my abuser(s) in some way. I know that it was the right thing to do. I'm in this weird place right now, where I'm happy for the support of my wife and my cat. But I do not want to make friends. I do not want to build, find, or participate in a community. This forum feels okay, but being around people feels unsafe. We went to a diner late the other night, something we never do. It was supposed to be an adventure. This old man came up to the table and physically blocked us into our booth and starting asking us non-stop trivia and making fun of us. I was really taken aback. I finally said that I just wanted to eat my food in peace and he left. It was aggressive and weird. It made me feel like I still have this neon sign on my forehead that says "open for abuse." I love the book The Shining and Doctor Sleep... sometimes I feel like I have a shine but it is more like I attract creeps and pedophiles. It is gross feeling that way.

So for now, it's just "wait and see." See if the medication allows me more freedom. See if I can feel more confident when I am in public. See what I am mentally and physically capable of...

[sanmagic7]

hey, eris,

that confrontation in the restaurant sounds gross - i just don't get why people think they can barge in on someone's life in an obnoxious way and think it's ok.  it's not - it sucks.  i'm just sorry you had to go thru it.

getting new meds always means a time of transition, from everything i've experienced or heard about.  it's almost like we have to find our way thru a new landscape, discover who we are in relation to everything and everyone around us.  i also know how a chronic condition can be overbearingly difficult on a relationship.  not fun in the least.

good for you for taking some new steps in battling this c-ptsd beast.  sending love and a hug filled with support.

[DingDingCrunch]

I just want to cheer for you for trying again, and for getting specialist help. I just started medication about 7 weeks ago for the first time and I think that there is a chance it can really impact quality of life.