Saw NC Nm

[Phoebes]

Welp. It finally happened. The niece had a thing, and I went. Nm and EnSD were there too. I keep saying I don't want to miss stuff for her sake, and I finally found it in myself to just do it. How?

I think the prospect of them being there made me rapidly discern the current state of my progress.
The reality is, I'm my own support now. My feeling are valid. I didn't do anything wrong. Why should I feel anxious? (As I have in the past). I discovered the main thing giving me anxiety was the thought that my reactions and facial expressions might show dysregulation.

I got in a decent headspace but allowed imperfection. I repeated the mantra I had for my interactions "calm, pleasant, regulated" all day. My goal was to be totally zen and rest easy in my strength.

It went pretty well! If anything I was probably TOO zen. A little numb. But I enjoyed watching my niece, was pleasant, yet distant, with Nm. Was VERY grey rock. More like black rock. I truly didn't feel depressed nor act like it.

The only awkward questionable part was there were a couple of minutes where they were trying to leave and I was kind of pinned in the crowd and I could tell they were waiting for me. I was going to walk past and she jumped in front and I could tell wanted to hug me, but I jumped back. She patted me on the arm instead and said well, good to see you.

She seemed very distant too. Good. She seemed happy, stuck in her ways mimicking her husband, cheerful for the grandkids sake. I guess it all was alright. And I maybe conquered the goal of being ok with seeing them at kids' stuff. I think probably a hoover is on the way but that's fine too. I can be calm, pleasant and regulated.

[Kizzie]

So happy for you Phoebes!           

[Phoebes]

Thank you, Kizzie! I appreciate the support.

I feel like it helped, although in what ways I'm not so clear. I think I can be at family things that she happens to occasionally be at without as much anxiety as I've had since going NC. I haven't felt this relaxed in 5 years.

[Blueberry]

Sounds like progress, Phoebes