HELP

[Windflower]

So... thanksgiving is next week. Holidays are rough. I've opted for minimal contact vs no contact with my family because the fallout of no contact is not something I can handle yet. I'm trying to take responsibility for my reactions around my family and start to maintain stronger boundaries. Part of me almost hopes as they encounter me as I am, not putting up with their *, they'll start to cut me off themselves like they do with everyone else they deem unworthy of their affection. But they have used me in so many ways for so long idk if that's realistic. So all I'm looking for now is tangible, actual verbal responses I can memorize to maintain some dignity as I spend time with them. I welcome any and all input.

(A brief background: My mother was extremely dependent on my growing up. Emotional incest to the utmost.

My dad is a narc and a sociopath. Angry and cycles from passive aggressive to aggressive real easy.)

So here's the scenarios I find myself tripping over my tongue and confused. Please share any responses you think might be helpful.

When my mom tries to pull me aside and unload all her drama in "hushed tones."

When she asks my opinions and advice incessantly.

When my dad tries to compliment himself through me.

When he makes a provocative, backhanded statement about me or anyone else.

When he says something so deluded and ridiculous I'm dumbfounded.

When any of them start to pry into my personal life.

I really am not sure how to respond.

[Kizzie]

Hey Windflower - Holidays can be so tough when you're around family who suffer from NPD as many of us know

Our sister site Out of the Fog has some good tools for dealing with N behav - https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-1 - they really helped me until I went Low/No Contact.

There are lots of tools and tips but here's one example called "Medium Chill":

Medium Chill is disengaging emotionally and giving neutral responses to what someone does or says. The focus is on you, your feelings and needs, not the other person or their feelings and needs.

Someone using Medium Chill is assertive without being confrontational. They will give no appearance of withdrawal, and they will maintain a pleasant and calm tone of voice and demeanor.

There are two key components to Medium Chill:

1. Don't share any personal information.

    Don't volunteer details about your life or your feelings. Everything in your world is perfectly OK, normal and uneventful. Tell them nothing, ask them nothing. Conversation is nothing more than pleasantries about weather, traffic, news etc. Engage in the type of conversation you might have with a total stranger while waiting for the bus.

    When communicating a decision you have made (should you deem it necessary to share in the first place) do not share your thought process on how you arrived at your decision. It is none of anyone's concern.

2. Don't get involved in another person's chaos or drama.

    When asked to help or get involved, be unavailable without offering the reason why you are unavailable. Sharing the details only motivates others to help you clear your obstacle to being there to help them. You are simply busy, you know, same old stuff.

    When others try to draw you into their drama and chaos you are a bored and dull listener. You are there, just not present or terribly involved. Never show anger or compassionate involvement; paying attention but not too much attention. Don't offer any advice or opinions of your own. Don't try to solve their problems. You are simply not involved.

    If someone is angry and manages to get you angry they have successfully projected and transferred their anger to you. Take your leave as soon as possible in cases of anger or rage. Simply and calmly leave or end the phone call.

    When others lash out, show no anger. When others are nice, don't reciprocate. Be distant and flat in both cases. When others can't easily manipulate a reaction, they tend to leave you alone.

Medium Chill keeps things light, fluffy, airy and breezy.  There's no real substance to the conversation.  You wind up doing a lot of listening and giving very uninteresting and inconsequential answers. You don't feed the supply, so you'll find conversations are shorter and not as frequent - because you're not giving the other person anything they can use. You are of no use to them and also quite boring and uninteresting.

Medium Chill is also 'non answers' to intrusive questions and interrogation. See examples below.

Medium Chill can be useful in dealing with instances of Baiting, Blaming, Bullying, Chaos, Circular Conversations, Dependency, Emotional Abuse, Emotional Blackmail, Engulfment / Enmeshment, Hoovering, Manipulation, Projection and Verbal Abuse. While undesirable behaviors cannot always be totally avoided, the damage and impact can be minimized if you can keep yourself as emotionally detached as possible.

Hope this helps!

[Windflower]

Thank you that's exactly what I needed!

[Kizzie]

Glad to hear it     Hope it helps this Thanksgiving and in the future.