Alcohol

[Phoebes]

I'll admit, I do love to drink. I don't massively drink, but I do consistently drink.. 2-4 beers every day. I've gone through phases of quitting for a few weeks. I went to AA for 2.5 years and was sober the whole time. I did dry january and beyond for a while and read some great stuff on the brainwashed notions we have about alcohol in society.  I understand it's a problem and that I could probably be defined as an alcoholic, because it's "a thing." Something on my mind and hard to put down, especially when I am triggered, which is often. It does chill me out, but I feel better overall when I go without. I know it's not "better" for anxiety, and certainly not for health.

As a child and teen, I was very strict on myself. I had high standards, made great grades, did my best on everything I did, excelled at sports and was strict about food and sleep during season. I thought I would never be one to drink or drug. But, late in my Jr. year age 17, my friend's mom let us try drinking at a slumber party at her house. We had 2 wine coolers. THAT feeling. I thought, where have you been all my life? It still didn't fully catch on until I was an adult and had gone to work. Even as well as I had done in school, I wondered why I struggled so much in my job and with relationships. I never put together that I was abused in every sense of the word and that had an effect on the people I chose, attracted and my interactions with them.

I had no idea how stressed out and anxious I was. I blamed and shamed myself over everything for many years, including drinking. It IS my responsibility, as it pertains to taking care of my health. But why the shame? Because it's not what a perfect person would do? It's just recently occurred to me the role it has played in my life in numbing the bad feelings about myself that were planted there for no good reason.

I go through phases of getting motivated to quit, but it's always short-lived like most other things. I'm already all over the place, and this is no different.

[saylor]

I can totally relate...