Constant guilt and shame makes me dissociated

[marta1234]

Hi, I just wanted to write this out as it's been bothering me for the past days.
I've been feeling intense guilt and shame over my life, and it's been physically painful too. I can't really do anything, and I keep on being dissociated because of the intensity of my emotions. It is true that I've felt like this in my childhood, and that's maybe why the intense shame is a trigger. But I can't even think straight, and I feel so scared and just want to curl up and disappear.

[Blueberry]

I can relate. I just want to let you know I've seen and read this post. I hear you. If it feels safe for you, here's a caring 

[Not Alone]

I hear that you are overwhelmed and scared. Do what you can to bring calm to your body; a blanket, hot drink, lotion, etc.

[marta1234]

Thank you notalone and Blueberry. Your words mean so much too me. It's just so confusing, my thoughts and perspective change every time. For instance, just right now I was happy to see a reply to my post. But then immediately, a voice inside me said that I didn't deserve recognition and care. I guess it's my inner critic talking.

[Blueberry]

That sounds like an ICr voice! You do deserve care and recognition!!

[Not Alone]

I understand that inner conflict. Yes, you do deserve recognition and care.

[woodsgnome]

I'm also very (too) familiar with what you're describing. I've spent endless hours in the same sort of funky withdrawal where I just want to disappear, feel worthless, and don't know how to move forward.

We're all doing the impossible, almost literally. I mean there's no hope of changing anything of the old story. Mainly it just can't be understood. And when I allow myself (and ignore the inner critic) to feel that I'm really, really in this new story I've worked so hard to create, then things do seem to get better.

The only sure quality that helps for me is perseverance, and riding with the waves, not fighting them, and definitely self-comforting as much as I can. Sadly, that's not always enough, but at least it's a start to evening things out.

[Snookiebookie2]

I totally relate to this. 

Shame is such a potent emotion, and with C-Ptsd it is usually at toxic levels.  When that happens it extremely difficult to deal with or to function.

I think that it's usually due to internalizing voices of our abusers, which then become our inner critics.

Try to recognize which abuser your shame is echoing.  That voice can lie to you and devalue you. By identifying where that voice comes from can sometimes helps me realise that I should not listen to it.

Sending hugs x

[Kizzie]

I've been feeling intense guilt and shame over my life

One book that really helps me with this Marta is "It's Not You It's What Happened To You"  by Christine Courtois.  The title says it all and I keep that in the back of my mind for all those times that ICr rises up and takes aim at me. It might help you to get your ICr to pipe down and back off too IDK.

We did nothing wrong, we have nothing to be ashamed of, we are not disordered. It's the reason I keep pushing the term "Relational Trauma Response". We were injured at the hands of others, and our symptoms (ICr included) are responses to the trauma we endured.  We are simply not shameful, weak, deficient, whatever our ICr yell at us. IMO the best thing we can do in recovery is put the responsibility and accountability back where it belongs, on those who abused/neglected us.

Big 

[marta1234]

Thank you so much to everyone's support, it makes me feel better and less alone.
Thank you Kizzie for your suggestion, I'll try to somehow manage to get the book, although it will be hard without raising any eyebrows (I've also been wanting to get Pete Walker's book too).

What you said about putting responsibility to where it belongs, that's what I am worried about. I don't know how to accept that my parents might not be who they always said they were. They make this all so confusing, with a love and hate relationship that was true in my childhood to teen years. Now, they have kind of "calmed" down, but situations arise where I see some of their emotional abusive ways of acting come to light. Then again, I think I'm just saying this because their ways of acting "violently", not necessarily physically, have dimmed down in the course of the years.
In any case, thank you everyone to your kind words.

[Kizzie]

What you said about putting responsibility to where it belongs, that's what I am worried about. I don't know how to accept that my parents might not be who they always said they were. They make this all so confusing, with a love and hate relationship that was true in my childhood to teen years. Now, they have kind of "calmed" down, but situations arise where I see some of their emotional abusive ways of acting come to light. Then again, I think I'm just saying this because their ways of acting "violently", not necessarily physically, have dimmed down in the course of the years.

Hopefully being here and talking things through will help you to figure this out     

[buddy9832]

I can relate Marta constant guilt and shame is my MO. I can also relate to the emotionally abusive parents. I've been looking into a lot on childhood emotional neglect and it's eerie to see more or less all the boxes checked. I am having a hard time coming to terms with that.

I'm not sure if I can offer you much advise but I definitely hear you and can relate. You're not alone in these feelings.