Fawn type recovering from multiple NA

[New_Life]

Hello fellow Survivors,

I am happy to meet you all and look forward to knowing you better. 

I grew up in an alcoholic home, with a narcissistic father and an absent mother (frequently physically absent, as she was working up to three jobs to feed the familiy) but mostly mentally and emotionally absent, living in her own world. Long story short, I was abused by my father and used by mother, as she forced me early into a parentified role. She needed me to take care of her own unstable emotional needs, dote my father and bring up my brother. My earliest memories that I have are of me taking abuse in a totally passive, dissociated state.

Now, I am aproaching 40, and only recently managed to break with them. I went NC with my father and maintain minimal contact with my mother and brother. I am very sick, mentally and physically. I can't work, I suffer from fibromyalgia, endometriosis, repetitive strain injuries, I am in constant pain every day, and dependent on my mother for money. Emotionally, I'm a wreck, I am totally isolated, as I can't stand people anymore, I was retraumatized over and over again, don't know how to protect myself from exploitation, have no boundaries and zero assertiveness.

I have tried through the years to get help, from doctors and psychologists alike, but they only made my situation worse, they were either incapable to help or traumatized me even more. And accusing ME for not wanting to get better. As if being stuck in suffering every single day is something anybody would want! 

Now, I try to manage the situation on my own, I have been reading a lot from the OOTS book section, and have learned that I have all the signs and simptoms of complex trauma, and that there are specific therapeutic modalities that can help.

I am not giving up!

[OceanStar]

Hello New_Life

Welcome!
I hope you find some comfort here.

[juliaguarde]

Welcome :-). I am glad to see that you are not giving up. 

[Not Alone]

Sorry to hear that medical experts have been unhelpful and harmful. Instead of accusing you of not wanting to get better, they should have realized that they were beyond their skill sets and helped you to see someone with the knowledge and experience to help.

Glad you are not giving up!

Welcome. 

[Marian82]

Welcome. Sorry to hear about what you went through. But good you arent giving up! Hope you find help here.

[New_Life]

Thank you,  OceanStar, juliaguarde, notalone, Marian, for your kind words and warm welcome!

Sending love right back!

[Three Roses]

Welcome!

It really burns me to hear when we are told it's our fault, we don't really want to get better, just stop thinking about it, blah blah blah! 

What's true is that the medical and mental health communities are clueless about trauma and how to treat it.

Glad you found your way here.

[bluepalm]

Welcome New_Life - I'm glad you found your way here too. This is a healing community.

[Snowdrop]

Welcome New_Life, pleased to meet you.

[New_Life]

Three Roses, thank you for validating my feelings, feels good to be finally understood! 
BTW, I love your avatar, such a beautiful drawing! 

Thank you, bluepalm,Snowdrop, for your messages of support!

Sending kisses and hugs for those who like them !
😘

[Snowdrop]