Bursting into Tears

[Phoebes]

Ugh. So, I'm one of those that was conditioned not to cry. I can't express myself in this way around other people. For reasons I won't go into here.

But, sometimes when watching tv especially there will be a flashback, a trigger. And I will simply burst into tears. I wonder if I would if I was in the company of someone else? Probably not.  But, somehow I feel like this is a good thing, like a release or "dealing with" a particular hidden emotion. Something I didn't even remember was there.

It just lets me know there is a lifetime of many many layers of betrayal and pain. I'm trying so hard to get past it all, to heal and move on. To just realize they are wounded unhealed people and I don't have to take them personally. But it reminds me how mean Nm has always been to me, how hateful, and how as a young person, teen or young adult, and at many times I wanted my mom's love and help, she just slammed me, and made others think she was supporting me, but "don't want" her. 

On running theme is her exclusion of me, and when I would ask why, she got one of her "tones" and said things like "you wouldn't have wanted to. ____", or "this was just going to be for ____"(when after the fact they had asked her to invite me, and then thought I hadn't come because I didn't want to.) I would aways find out after the fact of fun things with MY friends or people MY age were invited, except for me, at the hands of my mother. Many times. Some of which I found out way later.

[Three Roses]

Such hurtful behavior, I'm so sorry you went thru that. 

[Phoebes]

Thanks, Three Roses. I feel like I post in this forum when I'm dysregulated, and therefore am always venting or going off. I'm just tired of being hurt and sad, often unexpectedly.

[Blueberry]

 

[Alice-In-Wonderland]

I think the crying while watching TV is a release. I would say cry and let it come out especially if it is when you feel safe enough like when you are watching TV alone.

[Not Alone]

Your mom excluding you sounds enormously painful. I feel sad for you.

[sanmagic7]

hey, phoebes,

i so get what you're saying, what's going on with you with the tears while watching something.  i do exactly the same thing, have been doing so for many years.  for a long time i didn't know exactly why, but they came anyway.

i finally am able to trace back to somewhere in my life where i didn't get what i needed, whether it was kindness, caring, gentleness, love, someone to have my back - whatever - and those are the things depicted on the screen that i cry at.  it's like you said, a lifetime of tears that have been withheld and have just been waiting for the right time to make themselves known.  at least now i can pinpoint what i'm crying about, and the tears seem to have a purpose.  personally, i think i'm in deep grief that has never been allowed to be expressed before.

so, while it may be difficult or confusing to cry, i, for one, am glad the tears are finally being able to come out.  it's like releasing a lot of poison i've absorbed over the years, so i'm glad to get it out of me.  don't know if that's the case for you, but i agree w/ alice, that you could be releasing, and that you're finally feeling safe enough to do so.

i was also conditioned not to cry, by the by, told that 'crying doesn't solve anything', and i stopped crying from the time i was about 14 till i got into recovery for my addictions when i was about 38.  now i rarely go a day without being triggered to tears.  just know that you're not alone.  sending love and a hug filled with care and  compassion