Disconnected

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My country like many others are in full lockdown at the moment.

We are only allowed out once a day for essential shopping (food), medicine, and exercise. I have had flu like symptoms without the cough which may or may not be the virus - a lot of people just don't know at the moment.

Due to CPTSD and depression, all my life comprised of for a long time was going out for essential shopping, medicine and no exercise. This is not a new thing for me. However I am quite a bit better than my worse mental health state and finding not being able to nip outside when I want a wee bit difficult.

An exercise group I belong to is having a live stream in a couple of days which I will find difficult to do as I will find it hard to introduce myself its like I get scared to speak around lots of people with fear of being judged. There is another member who a few weeks ago during an exercise where we have to count each others laps stopped and I realsied at the end (I found it easier to focus watching everyone else due to high anxiety - we are all in a circle) she was crying. Two people comforted her but I couldn't help feel she was upset because of something I did. I knew I hadn't actually done anything to upset her. My laps are fast (but weren't always done correctly and takes practice) and I think she was comparing herself to me. There are other exercises I am not as confident in yet, so I am by no means an expert but trying.

Anyway one of our coaches had a pep talk about confidence in a session a couple of weeks later and 'we all have different life stories' and sometimes we have imposter syndrome etc and it was a good talk and positive. Then everyone on my team gets send an email from another coach about being positive and gave a specific example I said I couldn't do without naming me but I felt this was like big brother watching me. Also there was an example about laps and someone saying they only got a certain number of laps and when she was training this made her feel less confident. I know this was sent to everyone but makes me feel it was directed at me. I have never said I 'only' got such and such number of laps but would maybe seem disappointed when I never got the required amount.

I know they have had talks before (before my time there) about confidence so this is a universal thing. There is someone in the group who I feel (I can't even explain the feeling!) 'knows' the laps comment was about her feeling/comparing herself to me and its as if she feels (I'm struggling to explain this) 'good' about this and as if I am the one being 'negative' Does this make any sense to anyone? Does anyone resonate?