I've discovered my 3 year old me.

[Bella]

Big TW!!!!!!
Hate, violence description, inner children.
Please only read this if you feel strong enough to do so. I hope some of you are, cause I feel so lonely...
I've just discovered my 3 year old part. I've known about my 5 year old and 14 year old for a while. Kind of known about the 3 year old, but it has been as detached from me as any other toddler. It has always been outside of me, sort of speak. Now it takes over my body and inner experience, without me being able to control it. It is the worst sensation and feeling. My body is kind of itching from the inside. Can't stand being in my body, and want to tear it off. Shedding my skin, just like a snake. The frustration is overpowering. All the while I crave being held, comforted! I'm actually sucking my thumb!! The shame is killing me... When this is going on, I have these pictures, or more like a movie, in my head, where I can see myself being a toddler having a tantrum. And I'm with my therapist.. She is sort of the safest person for my younger parts, but I'm terrified this 3 year old will come out while being with her.... I just can't bare the shame of it.
Sometimes this "movie " change character, and I'm in this form of iron box, or more like a cell with iron walls and bars. I can't breath, becoming more and more panicked. Frantically pulling the bars to get out. Then something suddenly grab my leg, and start smashing me around with brutal force! My skull cracks open, every bone is crushed, and my skin torn of my body... the pain is just indescribable! And there is so much blood! But I don't die... I'm there to experience every ounce of pain there is to feel...
I was never, to my knowledge, physically abused as a child... stil this is playing in my head non-stop! I've always had a very deep sense of shame and self-loathing. Probably because  when I was little, my father looked at me as if I was this disgusting little insect he would be better of crushing to get rid of. My mum basically never looked at me, cause she spent almost all her time at work.
I know I need to start to take care of these parts, but I can't! I hate them so much, cause they make me feel like *, and makes my life unbearable.
Every feeble attempt to be nice to them just makes me wanna vomit, and I feel like a fool...
How to move on from here...? How can I start to view them differently? I have kind of "met up" with my 5 year old part, but she is so suspicious of me, and won't come near me... so I basically turn my back and walk away...
My heart and body are aching... I'm alone, cause no-one understands. I'm supposed to learn to self-sooth, but how is that possible when I hate those parts of me that need soothing so much...?
Forgive me for making this so long, and thank you so much if you've read through it all...

[rainydiary]

Bella, that sounds like some strong feelings and images coming up.  My wondering is if you are noticing any messages your younger selves might be telling you?  They might want to be heard and not necessarily have you see them differently right away. 

For me, I'm not always sure but usually something comes to mind when I ask my inner child what they want me to know.  Not always though.  When I feel a version of my inner child, I usually say something to myself that I might have needed to hear at that age.  I also find it helpful to journal and get the thoughts out of my head. 

I hope that you find your way in relationship with these younger selves.

[Bella]

Rainydiary; Thank you so much for reading and commenting on my post... I was afraid it would be to triggering.
I haven't thought about asking my parts anything... Maybe that is a good place to start, as long as I'm not expected to love them right away. Sounds terrible, but I just can't. At least not for now... I really want to, so my goal is getting there some day.
Again thank you! I feel a little less alone now..

[Bach]

Bella, you don't have to love them now, or ever love them if it doesn't happen that way, but you do have to learn to accept them and understand why they are there.  You might find some love for them in time.  I have parts that I still have no love for but accepting and understanding them helps me live with them, and helps me cope with them when I/they are hurting the way you describe so that it at least hurts less. 

Wishing you and your parts all the best.

[Bella]

Bach; Thank you! Acceptance is really hard for me... in basically every aspect of life! But I'm getting there... I hope!
Not being expected to love them, at least not right away, actually makes the thought of the whole process a little easier.
I do want to find ways to "coexist ", and figure out how I can have them in my life (without having to cut them off and suppress them.)

[Armee]

I'm glad you felt safe to share this Bella. It sounds like a really distressing experience to be going through. It seems also like a good sign that someone new feels safe enough to try coming out. I can't imagine how scary it is though for you and the little.

[Bella]

Armee; Thank you for your support and validation! At the moment I really need it, cause my Ic is incredibly harsh, more than ever before. I suspect that is because of all the shame my 3 year old part brings with it....
I haven't thought that the 3 year old actually must feel a bit safer, and that's why it chose to come out now... It does make sense.
Again, thank you!