Jazzy's Journal

[Jazzy]

Thank you for the kind words. Its nice to hear from you all. I don't really expect anyone to read, as I've been away so long. I hope everyone is hanging in there! 



I've been meaning to spend more time on this site, and post again, but I've felt resistance in doing so. I'm actually doing a lot better recently. I have a brand new medication (barely out of testing), which is a bit concerning, but it is working for me, far better than anything else I've taken in the past. I'm a lot closer to my siblings and their spouses, they've all commented on how much better I'm doing. Its nice, I actually enjoy chatting and spending time with them now, instead of my anxiety being out of control. On the flip side, with my depression doing so much better, I'm feeling a lot more "everyday emotion". I choke up a lot, even at a movie or a song, which is embarrassing (I was raised to be that tough guy)... but it sure beats how I used to be. Doing better and feeling more is still pretty new to me, so I'm hesitant to do anything that may be difficult, and maybe cause me to be not so good. (some things here can be triggering for example). Going out in public, such as going shopping is still somewhat difficult, but I'm alright almost as soon as I'm out the door. It always go better than what I expect. Hopefully my expectations will improve over time, and it will get easier.



***TW: Death***





Last weekend, my paternal grandmother passed away. It was really difficult to see her on her deathbed. It was also extremely difficult, because even though I didn't get to see her much (mom didn't like my dad's family), she was always friendly and happy and peaceful, and having fun. She was like the "only good" parent I never really had. Unfortunately, her kids (my aunts and uncles on dad's side) are always squabbling, so the family will likely fall apart even further now that she is gone (my grandfather passed away years before). I desperately want a good/normal family, and she was the last parent I had who would fit that category. I feel like a lot of people won't understand what I'm trying to say, but some here with their own parental problems may understand. I have a bit of hope as both of my sisters have married good men, so at least us siblings have a better working family. It doesn't fulfill that parental need, but it is better than no family bond at all. I'm expecting to cry at her funeral, which I don't really know how to deal with, as I've never cried in public before. But, like I said, I get choked up a lot now, and it feels so horrible to lose her. I imagine this is what most people feel like losing their biological parents, but she's been so much more to me than them.

***END TW***



Anyway, I've also been doing a lot of introspection as always, and it has been interesting to see the difference between how I am now, and how I was before. I've especially been thinking on the topic of "not feeling like a person". This all may be fairly obvious to some, but it came as a revelation to me.

The first thing I realized was that with stress and anxiety too high, inner critic was always running wild, and this is a big part of not feeling like a person. Most people don't always scrutinize every little thing they say and do and think, they just try their best, and do whatever comes to mind. Everything is so much more "instinctive" without IC in the way. I've also noticed that most people are pretty lenient and understanding, especially in the current state of the world. We're all just trying our best to make it through everything. Its still good to be introspective, and critical of yourself to some degree, to help with self improvement, but not so much that it interferes with day to day life. That "instinctive-ness" has really helped me feel more like a person (although its a sub-conscious feeling).

Another thing I realized (which was pointed out to me a couple of years ago, but I didn't really get it), is how "dehumanizing" it is to be controlled by those who have hurt you. For myself, when I was younger, I had to portray a certain image to my parents, and never let them know the real me, or I would be severely punished. Even to this day, I act very differently around my parents than I do the rest of the world. I spend so much energy making sure I present the image perfectly (absolutely 0 room for a slip up) that I can't just be me (can't just react instinctively). So this too really contributes to the feeling of "not being a person". It has helped a lot just to be aware of this, and I'm still working at it. I think it was a huge success that I was able to "relax and react" with the last visit to my father's. He has changed so much now though (for the better). I don't know what I'm going to do about my mom. She's... to be honest, I treat her like she's developmentally delayed, because she lives so much in her own world. I'm not sure that's the best approach though, but it has been getting me by for the last few years.

Anyway, I've still got a long way to go (and learn a lot more about myself), but it is great to be improving. Hopefully people have read this far, and this entry will be helpful to someone.

I hope everyone is doing alright, and I promise I'll try harder to be more active here.

[sanmagic7]

hey, jazzy,

your activity here is up to you - no expectations or pressure.  sometimes it's a good thing to post, other times not so much.

congrats on your realizations!   they are often turning points for me.  i hope they help you get thru some of those doors that have barred your way in the past.

really glad those meds are helping.  they really can make a difference.  'dehumanizing' to be controlled by others - what a great phrase.  i can attest to that, for sure!

keep going, my dear.  sounds like you're doing great!  love and hugs

[Hope67]

Welcome back Jazzy.   
Hope 

[Jazzy]

Wow, it has been a crazy month. The biggest being the situation with my grandmother. On top of that, my phone wasn't working, and when I got home the internet was out as well, so I was totally cut off. Its been stressful, but I've been keeping myself busy for the most part so it isn't too overwhelming. Thankfully my sister stopped by after not hearing from me for a few days, and helped me get my phone working again. The internet is still not working very well, but better than not at all. They're supposed to come and repair the line outside in the next week or so.

My sleeping schedule is pretty off again, which is frustrating. I'm working on it, but trying not to be too critical of myself at the same time. I think it would be very helpful for me mentally if my sleeping schedule was better. I feel out of control when I can't sleep on the schedule I want. Oh well, still a work in progress.

[Snowdrop]

Belated condolences regarding your grandmother, Jazzy . I think you're doing really well not being too overwhelmed with everything that's going on.

I hope you sleep better tonight.

[Not Alone]

My sympathies for your loss of your grandmother.