Feel like I deserve to go through this flashback

[marta1234]

Hi, I wanted to share this experience to see if this is normal.
For my whole life, I think, homework has been a big trigger for myself. Every time I do an assignment, I am triggered and complete the work with dissociation and force (on myself to finish). However, today, while I was doing an assignment, I caught myself feeling like I deserved to go through the flashback, and that I deserved to feel the 'bad' emotions; therefore I wasn't able to become aware of the flashback and step back from my work (for a break).
I was wondering if for anyone else they continue to trigger themselves voluntarily because they think they 'deserve it'?

[Bach]

I trigger myself voluntarily, but not because I feel like I deserve it.  I think I do it because I don't know any other way to prompt myself to fight back against my trauma and do self-care.  It's really exhausting and I'd love to learn how not to do it.

[Bella]

Hi!
I find your post interessting, cause I've wondered about the same thing myself! Time and time again, I find myself in an EF, realising what is happening, but unable (or rather unwilling!) to do anything about it. I rant about, in my head, how stupid I am, and how much I deserve to feel bad. Staying in this state of pain then becomes strangly comforting in the same time... sort of make sense.

Trying to take myself out of this state, not only demands loads of mental effort and energy in itself, but also require the ability to cope with a sensation that   "this is just wrong!". It goes against all instincts, and what my mind persieve as truth. This has brought on unbearable amounts of shame for me... Cause when I'm not in this state, off course I want to feel better, and function better in my life. But in those times, when I really need to act and think differently, in order to bring about change in my life, I just don't want to! It just feels wrong!
Some people then say not to put so much emphazis on feelings, and what they say. For me that is impossible... especially during EF's. Cause emotion is all there is.. no sense and reason what so ever. Sense and reason comes back when the EF is over...
So yes... I do feel, during EF's, like I deserve to feel bad. I therefor voluntarely do not take any actions to get out of it. And yes, when I am feeling bad about myself, I sometimes voluntarely trigger myself even more.
(I also experience having EF's without realising what is happening, until I'm out of it again. So I'm not always aware of it.)
It is exhausting to always have this sense of internal dilemma. I really really want to get better, do what I need to do to get better, and function better in my life. But find myself in those crucial moments to sabotage myself and my healing process.

Don't know if you find this helpful. It was helpful for me that you asked this question, and I'm interessted to see if anyone else have experiences they'd like to share.

[marta1234]

Thank you Bella and Bach for your replies.

Trying to take myself out of this state, not only demands loads of mental effort and energy in itself, but also require the ability to cope with a sensation that   "this is just wrong!". It goes against all instincts, and what my mind persieve as truth.

Bella, how you rephrased what I am feeling when I am having an EF is just phenomenal. Like, this is exactly what goes in my brain, and especially the need to understand that "it is wrong " what I am feeling is so hard to believe and think.
I also would like to know what to do with this, but for now I don't really have an answer (there really isn't any person that I can ask in real life).

[Snowdrop]

I've found learning about IFS (Internal Family Systems) very helpful when it comes to EFs.

My EFs happen when a part gets upset, and leaps into the driving seat so that it's blended with my Self. The part may think it's still in the past, or something in the present has reminded it of something it's still holding on to. The part gets caught up in the emotions and fears, leaving less space for my calm and reasoning Self.

The key thing for me is to recognise when I'm blended with a part, as I can then ask it to give me space, and not overwhelm me. I can then listen to the part without getting caught up in the EF, and do what I can to comfort it and help it feel better.

I hope this makes sense!

[Bella]

Marta1234: I'm grateful I'm not the only one who struggles with this, so again thank you for asking the question. Sometimes we need others to put words to things we cannot ourselves.

Snowdrop: I find your comment really helpful! Explaining it as different parts makes so much sense. Have had the sensation for a long time, that I'm fractured. Consisting of many different parts that don't fit together... They all have different thoughts, feelings and wants. I guess it's all about getting the parts to acknowledge eachother.

[Snowdrop]

If the idea of working with parts makes sense to you, I can recommend the book "Internal Family Systems Therapy (second edition)" by Richard Schwartz and Martha Sweezy. I've found the book tremendously helpful.

It's also worth searching YouTube for "IFS Schwartz" and "IFS Schwartz trauma". This video (part one of four) is a good starting point: https://youtu.be/2UfmGwENz9M

[Bella]

Snowdrop: Thank you!! Appreciate it!

[marta1234]

Thank you Snowdrop for your explanation! Although "things" with family are still too hard for me, I'll try and see if I can incorporate this therapy somehow.
I guess know I understand why many times members will use the word "parts" and talk about them, I somehow assumed that they were talking about did.

[Snowdrop]

I know that some people find the word "family" in IFS problematic. It's also known as Self-leadership, if it helps to think of it using that name instead. It's basically a way of understanding parts of you, and working with them so that you can help and heal them.

[dreamriver]

Sorry to be so late to the thread. I've been deeply appreciating what people are writing about EFs recently, it's so helpful to me. So thank you marta1234, Bach, Bella, Snowdrop.... All of you! 

I've been trying IFS and all sorts of approaches with EFs but I, too, can get hopelessly stuck in them...how often I experience them is getting better, but I don't recognize them and stop them before they're already in the door. I'll even deny having them in the moment!

Often what I hear in my head is "make the pain go away. Please make it stop. I don't ever want to feel this again." It dredges up such aching pain for me, almost like my body hurts. I think what's helped me is trying to not fight them off but I'm still so bad at this ☹️ Makes me feel better that I'm not alone in struggling with "righting" myself in EFs, though.

Best of luck to all of you in the healing process