Triggered by the quarantine

[survivor302000]

Hi All-

I have been working from home since the beginning of March.  I live alone and have always struggled with connections and relationships.  About 2 years ago, I learned about CPTSD which describes me EXACTLY! I was so relieved to know what was wrong with me and that I am not a bad person or crazy for having these problems.  In my struggle to get out of isolation, I have found solace in 12 step groups, going out periodically for one on one's with friends and some church events.  This my ONLY contact with others. I have done some online meetings but haven't found it to be as helpful. 

As a kid, I had a narc mom.  My dad was the adult child of a narc mom and basically married his mother.  So there is serious mental health problems running through both sides of my family.  I was on the receiving end of lots of emotional abuse/neglect and enmeshment.  I have difficulties being close to others because in my mind, closeness involves having someone swallow you whole emotionally.  As a kid I usually felt stuck.  My mom wouldn't permit me to become anything other than something she could have ultimate control over.  I was completely unengaged mentally in school.  I have been disassociating for most of my life.  Recently in describing my childhood to someone I said that my childhood had nothing to do with me.  It was all about her.  I just went into my head and waited for it to be over.  It was like being in prison.

Fast forward to coronavirus 2020.  Again I feel stuck and in prison.  The one goal I had was to work on getting out of my house and forming connections to other and that is on hold.  I feel like someone who is starving to death and I am not sure what to do.  I am having trouble seeing a path forward for me to continue making progress.  I am starting to get depressed.  It is very hard for me to keep going without any support.  It's like my tank is empty.   I have been watching some Richard Grannon videos and Crappy Childhood fairy videos on youtube and have found those helpful.  However, it is hard to stay grounded and I am regularly going in and out of dissociation.  I was wondering if any one else is having these issues since the virus started, or is it just me?

Thanks for letting me vent.
Cathy

[Three Roses]

Hi there! I know you're not alone in how you feel, I've seen others posting here about feeling the same. Speaking just for myself, I'm pretty happy that now I have a good reason to stay home and no one is pressuring me into going to social events.

I know you said the online thing just wasn't you, but NAASCA is currently holding Zoom meetings at 2 pm Eastern time (11:00 am Pacific time) on Sundays, Tuesdays and Thursdays. You must be registered to attend - https://zoom.us/webinar/register/WN_lES7QufkTha0_-Rs7DCh-w. I've been attending 3 times a week for a couple of weeks now, maybe I'll see you there.

[Not Alone]

Yes, I am also struggling. My situation is different; I am an "essential worker," so I go to work and also do not live alone. I can see where being home alone would be super difficult. You mentioned "prison" a couple of times. I envision a Part of me in a metal cell, no windows, no door, no bars; just a cold, gray, metal cube. You are not alone in having a really hard time. I'm sorry it is so hard for you.

[periwinkle]

It's not just you. The pandemic is really hard on mental health -- the isolation, the uncertainty, the anxiety of it all are a lot to take in. It has really worsened my symptoms these last few months. But it will pass and we will make it through this period.