forgiving my abuser who has a developmental disability

[mojay]

I am the youngest daughter of a larger family (3 siblings) with two parents who worked full time and are alcoholics. My CPTSD was caused by my oldest brother's CSA (SSA), my parent's emotional neglect and my father's physical/verbal abuse of all his children.

My oldest brother has Autism Spectrum Disorder and has had his own mental health journey that has lasted into adulthood. His developmental disability adds a complicated factor to the CSA (SSA) I endured at his hands because I feel like he didn't know that what he was doing was wrong and he didn't understand that he was hurting me. I believe that intentions don't trump experience (as in someone with "not bad" intentions can still cause a harmful experience for someone and that harmful experience is no less valid) but I'm so conflicted.

I know that people with mental illness or developmental disabilities are more likely to be abused rather than to be abusers. I feel so fearful of telling the whole truth about my brother because I don't want to add to the stigma. Despite what happened, I still love him. It's so painful. I'm so fearful of making a post on here about this, but it's been something that's really weighing on my mind. Please, please, please don't think that I am writing this post as negativity against people with developmental disorders.

One day I would like to talk to him about what happened. I would like for him to apologize and I would like to forgive him instead of justifying things only to myself. We currently both live with our parents, I've only recently moved back in due to circumstances out of my control. I live in America and the Covid-19 epidemic and resulting economic crisis has had a huge impact on me. He has always lived with my parents due to his disability.


I still feel so conflicted. Has anyone ever forgiven their abuser? Has anyone experienced a situation like mine? Is it even possible to forgive him?

[Not Alone]

It must be really difficult to be living in your situation.

I just finished rereading the book, Unshame by Carolyn Spring. She has a whole chapter on forgiveness, which you might find helpful. She doesn't specifically address when an abuser has ASD. I looked for something to quote here for you, but it is a deep subject and just quoting a few sentences won't be adequate.

[mojay]

It must be really difficult to be living in your situation.

I just finished rereading the book, Unshame by Carolyn Spring. She has a whole chapter on forgiveness, which you might find helpful. She doesn't specifically address when an abuser has ASD. I looked for something to quote here for you, but it is a deep subject and just quoting a few sentences won't be adequate.

Thank you so much for this recommendation! My therapist has also recommended this book, but i've been working through The Body Keeps the Score which has been bogging me down. I just saw that Unshame can be read for free with Amazon prime so I'm going to start it shortly. I really appreciate your reply and chapter recommendation. I'm glad to know that there is help for wanting to forgive