Step forward

[Blueberry]

Over the past week I've been coming up with one resolution which I've just implemented.

I've asked somebody to stop bringing me leftover things from the bakery where she works. They weren't all unhealthy items but there were just too many, too frequently, even after I asked her to cut back and gave her a definite number of items per day and sweet items overall. She couldn't cut back because she can't stand things going to waste. Well, that's her issue. Me eating too much doesn't actually reduce global food waste. 

I've had problems with this type of thing before, basically not being able to say 'No' partially of course because I do like eating. I'm saying 'No' to a person who 'means well' and saying 'No' to food, free at that. Three issues rolled into one. It's also in the main food which is already all prepared and with my exhaustion at preparing food (some sort of EF-y stuff in itself), it was a pretty good deal, but just for a while. (So actually 4 issues). Try out and observe. Try out other behaviour and observe.

Just a few days ago I was feeling ashamed and embarrassed to even have allowed this acquaintance to bring me food   and now I'm writing about it - making it public - and have taken a move to change the situation. I haven't even done any EFT on it, I'm accepting myself pretty much without that aid

[Blueberry]

I'm not sure if this is an additional step forward, or if I've been here before. Not having all those sweet baked goods left at my door anymore, I had one today at an afternoon meet-up I go to. I ate it slowly, chewed well, noticed the taste and the sweetness, but it was enough on its own. I didn't have a craving anymore.

There have been times of craving in the past little while though. I've tried feeling into the situation but I draw a blank. A long time ago when I was in an eating disorder program, I was meant to figure out different ways of coping and figure out what I really needed instead. That was probably fine then, but my present T is trying to get me to feel what emotions are there before I eat, before I go food-shopping. Flight kicks in - I don't want to feel!! I try and feel outside the shop and notice that it feels too dangerous to feel any emotions out in the open.

I'm not eating much atm and sometimes I just go to bed when the only thing I can think of doing is eating. I'm not sure it's even a craving. But I'm also not sure what it is. This is one of the situations where my T wants me to feel into what it is and not rely on ideas from other people on what it could be.

I do have the feeling - without being able to explain exactly - that I am moving forwards a tiny little bit with my eating disorder.

[Blueberry]

In the last few days too, except last evening when I allowed myself a bit of a sweet binge. However in the days beforehand, I was doing much better preparing food for myself, semi-enjoying doing so, and being inspired to look in my fridge, use things up and so add more and more to my salad.

One thing that really feels like a further step forward is enjoying sharper tastes e.g. eating mint leaves or spring onion in my salad or wild leek and finding that those tastes are giving me something that I so far can't define except that it feels like a broadening of my tastes, away from just sugar and salt.