TW. Is this SA?

[Lostgirl]

Sorry if this is a bit TMO, this is a resurfaced memory that I haven't even thought about since it happened 15 years ago, my husband says its sexual assault, but I don't know if I'm just not letting myself see it as that or if it wasn't bad enough to be classed as SA but I cannot seem to grasp that it wasn't my fault.

Here goes...
I was 15 years old, I had met this boy (20yr old) the previous week and had relations with him. My parents were both out the house on this day, we had been messaging and I invited him round. We went upstairs and we're having sex and he told me to turn over. I was only 15 I just did what he said. He then tried to enter me from my back hole. I said no, he told me to relax and tried again. I again said no it hurts but he just carried on until he had finished. He left when he had finished and I was left having to wash bedsheets with blood on them.

I never told anyone about this as I have always felt that I put myself in that position and as I was so young I thought that's how it was meant to be and have often since then just let men do whatever they want to me.

It has only resurfaced to my memory in the last few months and looking back as an adult I'm in two minds if it was SA or not
Sorry for the long post

[Snowdrop]

Thank you for being brave enough to post this.

I definitely see it as SA. You said no. Twice. He didn't respect your boundaries, even when he knew it was hurting you. I feel angry with him on your behalf. He should have listened to you and treated you with kindness.

I've often found it difficult to recognise abusive behaviour when it's happened to me. It can sometimes be helpful to imagine how I'd feel if it happened to someone else. Would I class it as abuse then?

I'm so sorry this happened to you. A gentle hug of support if that feels ok .

[Lostgirl]

Thank you snowdrop for your kind words.

[Three Roses]

Similar situation happened to me, I was even the same age. For the longest time I thought I'd put myself in that situation and deserved what I got... but I didn't really put myself in that situation, the boy took advantage of me being in a vulnerable predicament and used my relative innocence against me. It was abuse.

[Phoebes]

Thank you for sharing this Lostgirl. I agree that is was abuse, because it wasn't consentual, even if only part of it wasn't. He wasn't at all respecting your wishes or boundaries.

It's hard on many levels because as survivors of childhood trauma we tend to struggle with boundaries, feeling like we have the right to take a strong stance, listen to our feelings and honor those. And then when we do, we've still attracted the types to not honor us, just as our parents didn't. Then we struggle to call abuse abuse.

Then further, in our new and young s*x lives, we are not sure what to expect or what's around the corner until it's happening sometimes, and that can be hard, too, if we've attracted a dysfuntional mate. I think it's safe to say looking back on any situation that someone doing something you didn't want can be classified as abuse. He should have been sensitive enough to know if you were into whatever y'all were doing, and if not, at least ask and get a firm positive response before going down a road. Not insisting and ignoring your "no's". I'm sorry this happened to you and you got hurt. I've been there and it sucks.

[Blueberry]

I agree with the others, Lostgirl. That was SA. You said 'no' twice. He did it anyway. Just because you invited him round does not give him permission to do anything to you that you don't want. 

I'm sorry that happened to you. It was plenty bad. "What happened to me wasn't bad enough" is a common refrain on here. I still question things like that in my own past too but trauma is trauma. If the memory is shut off somewhere, there's a reason for that. You probably know that cognitively. I hope hearing that on here will help you begin to know it in your feelings too.

I used to allow things to be done to me too because I believed my opinions were inherently wrong. So if somebody decided to do something to me, it was undoubtedly correct, even if I felt like running for the hills. It sounds crazy but that's what the combination of emotional abuse with some CPA and CSA made me believe.

What he did to you - it's not on you. It wasn't your fault. 

[Lostgirl]

Thanks everyone.
I'm trying hard to believe that it's not my fault and that has added to the pain of physical and emotional abuse from my F.
Having people believe me and see it as abuse has helped me to believe and I will get to a point where I don't blame myself.