Denial

[Bella]

Hi! I don't know if this has been discussed in another thread. Maybe I've posted something about it myself at some point, but I'll go for it anyway.
Some of you might remember me having a hard time with confusion regarding my story, and what is really the truth, and nothing but the truth!
I've spend my first say 40 years on this earth knowing my father wasn't a good man, and that being around him was very unpleasant, on so many levels. I've also known my mum tried her best to provide for us everything we needed, so she worked a lot, but was never really available. She never recognized her own feelings, let alone ours.
I've memory of some situations which yes, was not pleasant, but traumatic?? I really don't know!
I really struggle with the shift of one day being certain I am "entitled" to call what I been through traumatic, and then the next day, I just can't give myself that recognition. I know this can be pretty common with EA, but stil... I can't find, or make my peace with it! It's exhausting and so frustrating! Many days I beat myself up about it. Feeling so shameful, especially towards my mum and sisters. I'm lucky, cause I do have a great family, but none of my sisters see our childhood the way I do. They do support me, but I still feel so ashamed about it...
Don't know how to escape this...

[rainydiary]

What you say resonates with me.  The CPTSD I have is due to emotional and psychological abuse and neglect that I only really acknowledged in December when I turned 36.  In thinking about disclosing my trauma to others, I feel an overwhelming sense of shame at the nature of the trauma.  I want to believe that my parents love me and that they did what they thought was best for me and my siblings.  Yet why couldn't they choose to learn healthier ways of coping and parenting?  I also have lived with this overwhelming sense that I am damaged and defective and I've been running away from something I couldn't understand until recently.  That sense came from somewhere outside of me and my brain doesn't care what the source was...it wants me to be safe.  I still lack a feeling of safety (which right now is legit given the pandemic).

As an adult I see that the way my parents behaved is generational.  I don't know the ins and outs of my grandparents lives but given their upbringings I don't see how abuse of many forms couldn't be part of it.  It makes me wonder how many more of us were abused or have experienced trauma in other forms and didn't recognize it as such because it is cloaked in "tough love" or whatever other euphemisms might apply.  I wonder why some people don't seem impacted the same way I am.  For me, the emotional/psychological problems were perhaps made worse by an early car wreck, my parents living in poverty the first few years of my life, and being a military family that moved every one to two years. 

And yet, I still judge my experience.  Perhaps this is part of the grief process.  The process where I learn to take care of myself properly so that I can feel worthy and support others.

I appreciate you raising this topic. 

[marta1234]

Bella, you're not alone in this. I used to think like you, that I had an ok even happy childhood, and that the emotional neglect and other forms of abuse were ok, like everyone's family is like that. But when I started opening up to my experiences and listening to my parts, I realized that no, this is not normal and it was not ok.

I hope I'm not rambling too much, but I just want to tell you that it's ok to not understand everything, it takes time to listen to your emotions and you shouldn't beat yourself up for it. Hope you find some comfort and clarity (as much as you can).

[owl25]

I can relate to a lot of your experience with your family. It's hard. The switching back and forth is part of the process of facing this. The denial is protective and gives you a break from the painful reality. It's hard because most people don't understand this stuff, the impact it can have on a person and that it can be traumatic. Likely your shame comes from "what would others say if I tried to explain this to them?" and the reaction you picture in your mind. I read somewhere shame is at the root of CPTSD. I"m still thinking about that to see if that makes sense. I do know there is a lot of shame I carry. Shame is also a protective mechanism. I've been reading in various sources that self-compassion is what's needed. I've also been learning that slowing down and doing some breathing brings about self-compassion. I couldn't do the breathing for a very long time, so I'm not sure if that is helpful to you for where you are right now.

Never having your feelings recognized is traumatic. It was for me. I never learned how to manage my emotions in a healthy way. I had to shove them aside, and it was very isolating. It taught me to not open up to other people. That led to me being unable to let people in and get to know me. What you are experiencing is very real.

[Bella]

Thank you all, for your validation, telling your own experience and kind words. I appreciate it a lot, and it makes me feel less weired and alone.
I would like to comment further, but feel utterly exhausted today. Just wanted to let you know I appreciate your comment. I'll write more later...