Mother's Day anxiety-first NC

[Phoebes]

I don't see a current topic about "Mother's Day", a.k.a. some Hallmark Holiday BS, but even though I know it's crap, and I am SO relieved to have gone NC (4 weeks now), I am feeling more and more sold and happy about being NC, and have at times felt just fine about any reaction my BPD mom might have about Mother's Day (and I know she will, which will probably be in the form of smear campaign and hysterics of some sort), I am fighting the urge to tell her to "diffuse" the shock of the NC. (Here I am being co-dependent again).

I know NC is good for me. I am working on things for myself, learning to love myself more, staying away from ALL people who don't treat me well, or who don't "see" me. She is the queen of that. It feels good to not be engaged with her. A HUGE relief. Yet, I am feeling stress about mother's day, and was awake most of the night ruminating on all the reasons why it's "ok" that I not participate this year. I CAN'T go now. I've already set the precedent and going back on it would only feel like I was wimping out of my resolve and going back to my old ways of just getting the obligatory BS over with. I want the days of going against my gut to be over with, and I think it starts here, hard as it is.

[keepfighting]

Phoebes, I am so sorry the impending M's Day is so tough on you. It is so hard to lift the FOG and chose what's best for you and since you've 'only' been NC for 4 weeks, the rage, the hoovering and smear campainging will still be intense and fierce - plus you will probably still feel very raw. It's a horrible time and I admire the courage and resolve that makes you stick to your decision to be good to yourself and do what your gut tells you to do.

I've been NC with my covert Nm for 14 years now.

Mother's day is no longer an emotional problem for me. I no longer feel the guilt of not visiting her and not making it a special day for her. She never thanked me for it any way - quite the opposite. Now that I think about it, M's Day has not been a bad day of the year for me since the feelings of guilt and obligation are gone. Can't remember exactly when that happened - the first two or three years after going NC saw me being helplessly guilt ridden and repeating to myself over and over why NC had been the only option - but at some point those feelings receded. In the beginning, my b and sisters were also still trying to get me to come over and to forgive her 'because it's M's Day and she's our m and blablablah' but those efforts have receded, as well, over the years.

My mother - even after 14 years of NC - still plays her PD games. She still has an unquenchable thirst for information about my life (...squeezes her flying monkeys about any and all information she can get) and has been smear campaigning me so badly that I'm also NC with practically all my FOO. So she still sometimes has the ability to hurt me by messing up the relationships between me and people I love (...and who would be willing to love me back). But the M's Day connection is gone there, too.

For me, M's Day for the past decade or so has been solely about my kids and my h making it a special day for me. I'll never forget when my little d cooked breakfast in bed for me for the first time. She was 6 or 7 years old and had cooked for me a toast with mayonnaise, ham, cheese, salami, an egg and beautifully sliced strawberries on it. She had finished off her masterpiece by dressing the plate with my favorite chocolates for which she had used Worcester Sauce to make them stick to the edge of the plate. --- It tasted exactly as you'd imagine it did - quite disgusting to be honest    - but it was done with much love and pride glowing in her eyes and it's one of my favorite memories of M's Day now.

Wishing you all the best - and hope that even though it's a tough time for you this year, it'll be worth it for you. If you'd had a Hallmark kind of m, you'd send her the perfect card no problem. It's not your fault that Hallmark doesn't print the kind of cards your m deserves.   

[Phoebes]

Thanks so much, keep fighting.  Your kids' MD breakfast to you sounds so sweet. I was fortunate to have had a wonderful, mutual relationship with my dad's mother, and consider her my 'real' mother, because she did see me and loved me unconditionally. She died two years ago, and my mom has let it be known how she didn't like her and how my GM "didn't rescue her" and didn't want to spend time with us kids. That's not true because I did spend time with her, we all went over there every Sunday for many years, and I spent the night many times by myself. My GM always seemed thrilled to be with me and made things special.. My mom resents her for having her own life, just as she does me. Poor mom, someone didn't run to her rescue because life was so HARD with us awful kids, who were quiet, made straight A's, did as we were told, tip-toed around and played in our rooms.

Wow, 14 years.Part of me wants to think I can become more zen about it all and be around her without her bothering me eventually, but, she has shown me over and over again that any time I'm around her she finds a way to get in her digs, at the minimum, and anything else ranging up to verbal, emotional, psychological abuse. Maybe the zen thing is staying away. She is a covert N and BPD, undiagnosed of course because she's too good for therapy. Now I realize all the times I was left with a knot in my stomach and scratching my head, that was part of her plan, or at least part of her scheme to make me feel bad and therefore boost her ego.

NC is a welcome shift. I swear if I never saw her again that would be ok with me. She will surely text or call, and I think the hard part right now will be not responding. It's hard to see it as a good thing not to respond, but then, that is taking care of myself by not putting myself in the situation to be abused, right? She will whine and play the victim in front of her enH, and my interaction will just add to it. so no. I KNOW she will send the flying monkeys and totally smear me. But then hey, she has always smeared me, even to my face, so what's new?

The thing my mom should know, and may keep her from smearing me TOO much to her H, is that I have a huge piece of information she has threatened me not to share with him about her former relationships. I have kept her secret, but have felt icky having to do so. I actually really like my step dad and think he's too good of a man to have a secret like that kept from him. I guess she's fine with her husband being a sucker. So now, if she wants to make him think badly of me, she should know I can tell him her secret at the drop of a hat. So I have a bit of leverage where smear campaign is concerned. 

I really think after this year my anxiety about it will decrease. I KNOW in my heart I deserve better now. I have been wrong to be living under the veil of her hatred of me all this time. No more.

[Sandals]

I'm also nc with my mom right now. And I know she's martyring herself because of that. But that's okay. I'm allowed to make decisions about who I want to be in relationships with, as an adult.

As for mother's day, the only hiccup I'm anticipating is that my siblings and I have pitched in on a gift for her for the past few years and I may get asked to do it again. I'm not making up my mind on what I'll do until I get asked.