Letter to L

[rainydiary]

A person I knew in college has come to mind today.  I was unkind to him and would like to write him a letter. 

Dear L,

I am writing because I am on a healing journey and I thought of you.  I have thought of you from time to time since college and always had strong reactions when I do. 

I don't remember exactly how we met but it was early in our first semester of college.  You were one of the first people I met.  I really liked you.  We went out a few times and I had such a wonderful, safe time.  I have learned how much I was raised to fear my body and what guys would want with my body (this in truth left me very vulnerable and would lead to some really bad choices).  You did not make me feel that way - you made me feel safe and seen. 

We hit some snags though.  We had a significant religious difference and you were discussing leaving the religion of your upbringing.   As this was unfolding, you also came to me in a moment of dire need.  That moment reflected trauma you and your family were experiencing and I became so afraid. 

I didn't know what trauma was then or that I had experienced it.  I see now that you triggered my trauma and I felt the need to escape.  I was looking for my place and I found it soon after.  The change led me to change my behavior to you.  I stopped talking to you.  Once we ran into each other at an event and I was with my new group.  You were calling my name and I ignored you.  I am ashamed of doing such a thoughtless, hurtful thing after all of the care you showed me. 

I am sorry for any pain that I caused you.  I am sorry that I wasn't able to talk to you more to see if we could have figured something out.  I saw you later toward the end of college and you had moved on.  Our eyes met at that time and I think we both felt sadness in that moment.  I was more wounded by that time and filled with regret over how I acted towards you. 

I wonder if you could have been someone that could have helped me address my trauma sooner.  I don't know and it isn't helpful to live in the past wondering what if.  I just hope you know I am sorry and that I wish you ease in life. 

Thank you for the care and humor you shared with me.  Thank you for choosing me for a brief moment in time.  Thank you for being my teacher.  I am glad you were in my life. 

[sigiriuk]

Dear Rainydiary
There's a lot of regret, pain, and shame in your letter.
I met up with a woman, who I had treated badly in my early 20s. We made our peace, and we are friends. There was still a connection...and adult connection this time, not two young people trying to make sense of the world.

One thing that stands out in your letter, is how much you berate yourself after all these years. Almost like you feel ashamed of your powerlessness..."to do the right thing". But you were only a child.

Slim

[rainydiary]

Slim,

I appreciate this reflection. 

I do hold myself unreasonably accountable for things that happened when I was a child (even a big 18 year old child - the legal definition of adulthood being 18 does not really match up developmentally I've learned as I work more with adolescents).  I didn't have the tools, support, or knowledge to handle them much differently. 

This helps me see how much I tend to punish myself for my humanity even for something that happened almost 20 years ago.  As I think now, as much as I liked this person, my instincts at the time were trying to keep me safe and I listened to them even if the way I went about it wasn't ideal. 

This has given me some good food for thought - thank you!