Hello All (Possible Trigger: Neglect and Abuse Mention?)

[WhiteNoise]

Hello, I'm Noise.  I found this forum while browsing through the CPTSD subreddit and decided to take the plunge and join. I started embarking on my mental health journey about a year ago, maybe a little more, when I finally got myself a GP doctor in my area.  They of course did an anxiety and depression screening, and I, not thinking clearly at the time (lol), answered honestly, leading to an almost comical high score on the anxiety part. It didn't even occur to me that it was bad, I've been living with this anxiety for so long.

Anyhow, since then my GP, and now my psychiatrist and therapist have been trying all sorts of things to help me, but none of them really work, I think because I haven't even mentioned my trauma to most of them. My therapist knows a little, but I always treat the subject with the "but seriously I'm better," caveat.

I am not better.

I was neglected and abused emotionally by my father for about six years, and physically neglected for that same amount of time. The scars run really deep, and honestly most days I don't even look or touch what happened. I'm scared to try, but something has to change.

I'm hoping here to find a community as I confront this finally.

Sorry for getting so dark so fast! I promise I'm not usually like this.

As far as normal day to day stuff, I'm a programmer, I love to cook and bake, and I also foster orphaned kittens! Currently I've got three little black and white babies who are almost ready for adoption. I'll definitely miss them when they're gone, but I'm so happy with how much they've grown.

Feel free to ask me all sorts of questions to get to know me better, I'm not very good at these intro things.

[RiverRabbit]

Hi Noise.

Glad you posted.

As far as getting dark "fast"... I think a lot of us start at dark and work toward health from there.  So, it seems you fit right in.

Looking forward to hearing (reading) more from you in the future.

[WhiteNoise]

Thank you, nice to meet you.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a very warm welcome to OOTS White Noise 

Anyhow, since then my GP, and now my psychiatrist and therapist have been trying all sorts of things to help me, but none of them really work, I think because I haven't even mentioned my trauma to most of them. My therapist knows a little, but I always treat the subject with the "but seriously I'm better," caveat.

I am not better.

I was neglected and abused emotionally by my father for about six years, and physically neglected for that same amount of time. The scars run really deep, and honestly most days I don't even look or touch what happened. I'm scared to try, but something has to change. I'm hoping here to find a community as I confront this finally. Sorry for getting so dark so fast! I promise I'm not usually like this.

Trauma is dark so it's no wonder we don't want to face it - it hurts, it's scary and we're not certain we're going to get through it.

The thing we don't know though is that keeping all that dark matter stuffed down gives it greater power, it's light and sharing it with others (at a pace that feels safe), that defuels it, and helps to process and integrate it.

Please feel free to talk about it here when you're ready and comfortable enough to do so. We do get it, the darkness that is, and we will share what helped us and offer support and encouragement. 

[WhiteNoise]

Thank you, you're right. I'm very used to keeping it all stuffed down, especially socially, but this is what I am here for. Thank you again for a very warm welcome.

[Kizzie]