Panic? or Emotional Flashback?

[Rainagain]

I'm probably off the mark here but could you be trying to re enact things from your past to try to get a better outcome?

I've done things similar to that in the past, it was unconscious and wasn't a great idea.

I don't mean like a play, I'm talking about emotions and situations, I think.

[Mayflower]

Hi Rainagain, thank you for your message.

Yes, that is exactly what I wondered whether I was doing - though I haven't a clue how to make it stop or work through it.  I thought I'd 'cracked it' by going via the Inner Child route... though last week I was worse than ever and couldn't even answer K when he asked me if I was okay. 

I also feel as though I somehow regressed a bit afterwards when he called me into his office - I put my back to him as soon as he wanted to speak to me and I refused to turn round until he (in a round about way) said he wouldn't hurt me. 

He isn't a psychotherapist and I don't want to turn him into mine as (in my view, though maybe I am wrong in thinking this) this would blur boundaries as I work with him.

Now he has said he is a friend I feel more guilty than ever - friends don't treat other friends the way I've been treating him, however unintentional or 'warped' it might be.  I really like this man and don't want to lose the relationship like I have in the past with other people.

I wish I could just find a way to make this stop or work through it.

[Mayflower]

Although someone suggested quite early on that I had fallen for K, I didn't admit it to myself until it was too late.  The kinder he was towards me and the closer he got to me emotionally, the more scared I got; I couldn't tolerate this and pushed him further and further away.  He has now decided to go back home (abroad) to work on a big project.  Of course I have wished him well, though I can't stop beating myself up about how I treated him and what might have been had I been 'normal' and hadn't pushed him away.  I don't even know if he is aware of how I feel about him... and I still don't know whether it was transference or infatuation... or it is love?  I just wanted the panic to stop.  I couldn't tolerate his care.   I do this every time.  My badness has been spiralling over the last week though I can't turn the clock back and I have been sobbing for a lot of it.  I can't undo the mess I've made.  I don't seem to ever learn.  It was the fact that I clammed up, shut him out, hammered myself  and constantly apologised for everything that did his head in.  Apologies for the rant - I just don't know how to turn a corner - it wasn't as if we went out together, though I guess we have worked together for about five of the last six and a half years and it does feel very emotionally intense when I'm with him.