Bluegem's Journal 2021

Bluegem · January 01, 2021, 08:17:32 PM

Feeling kind of weird writing this... But also excited too.
I guess there is no other way to start a journey than with a 1st step, so here we go!

I hope starting this journal will make me reflect & be clear where I am going & help me to really see my thought processes etc by noting them down. So often I have profound realisations about my life but rather than them sticking in my brain they are carried off on the wind.

I intend to set goals for myself to help me move forward I have just started re-reading 'the body keeps the score' & I will make a list of the books I am reading - a few I have read once, some started but then stopped & some I have yet to get too.

I know some days will be good, some bad & some indifferent but I will keep moving on.

Today was good & bad ..It was quiet & I got some reading done but I also got triggered & ended up in tears something which hasn't happened for a while but I couldn't explain it to my OH. That is always the worse wanting to have my pain understood but being totally unable to put any of it into words.

I hope that some way along my journey I will be able to do this .. Just a little bit would be & mean so much.

Here's to the beginning

sanmagic7 · January 01, 2021, 09:46:49 PM

here's to the beginning, indeed. so very glad to see you, glad you were able to start this journal. i hope it presents to you everything you need from it, and more. i've also found my journal to be helpful when i need to vent, just to get the crapola out of me. it feels good to be able to put that stuff someplace safe.

sending love and a hug, if that's ok with you.

Not Alone · January 01, 2021, 11:10:24 PM

For beginning.

Bluegem · January 02, 2021, 09:37:22 PM

Thank you so much sanmagic7 & notalone

I had a nightmare last night or more accurately this morning about my stepfather. I think it was probably due to my reading last night. It was so strange, I had moved to a new house which had two front doors but for some reason the front doors were one after the other & he had a key. He was threatening to hurt me if I told my mother about his abuse (this was pretty ironic to me). In the dream I also had a friend with me who was trying to call the police but she couldn't get through to them.

I tried not to think of it too much, when I did some emdr I had a lot of dreams but it was such a helpful therapy for me that it was worth it.

Today I also took the Christmas card my mother had sent me unopened from my desk drawer & threw it away, it was such a relieve to have it out of the house.

The rest of my day has been good apart from the occasional thoughts of work to come on Monday when I know I will be really busy but at least everyone I work with is great and I know many people cannot say that or have no job at all.

mojay · January 03, 2021, 10:33:57 AM

Quote from: Bluegem on January 01, 2021, 08:17:32 PM
So often I have profound realisations about my life but rather than them sticking in my brain they are carried off on the wind.

Hi Bluegem! I feel this way too, thank you for summing it up so perfectly. I'm thinking writing a recovery journal on here will maybe help me with this, too? I get frustrated when I handwrite journals because oftentimes I try to look back for something specific and just can't *find it*, I think CTRL-F would be very useful for that

Here's to new beginnings indeed! I truly hope your recovery journals will be everything you hope for

Bluegem · January 03, 2021, 11:47:35 AM

Hi Mojay

I hadn't thought of the CTRL F aspect

yes I think that will be helpful too.

I have only just started but I hope I will keep it up. I have wanted to keep a diary for a while but I couldn't keep one at home as I am too afraid my partner would find it. It is only me & my partner but although he is aware of my Emdr sessions, getting a therapist & in the last year deciding to have no contact with my mother he is not aware of the 'whys' I just can't find the words to talk to him about it ...even though we have been together for 17 years !!!

I also think having a community that understands helps, it is so nice to find somewhere to share a little of our burden while being understood, guided & welcomed without judgement.

I will look forward to your journal if you decide to start one too

marta1234 · January 04, 2021, 12:30:52 PM

Bluegem, popping by to send you my support and congratulate you on starting a journal

That's a big step

Hope your week at work goes well (or as good it as it can), and sending you a safe hug (if it's ok)

Bluegem · January 04, 2021, 10:09:27 PM

Thanks for the hug Marta 1234 & the comments too.

It does feel good to just spend some time on me & my thoughts & makes me want to move forward...even if that is only slowly.

Finding I am swapping between books a lot at the moment ..I need to choose one & just read it

Bluegem · January 08, 2021, 09:44:29 PM

I have been feeling really tired this week don't know if this is related to being busy at work but it feels more emotional to me.

Maybe its because I have been reading quite a lot..
2nd read & highlighting (kindle app) of the Body keeps the score
Self therapy IFS book

Maybe its also because I have been reading forum posts that evoke lots of feeling & memories, especially when things & situations I read are similar to my own experiences.

The one thing that really stood out to me this week was my anger!

My OH and I had a small argument over a really small unimportant thing but I felt that he hadn't taken on board my issue and negated my feelings and I was just so full of anger ( it felt more like rage I think) I could feel my skin was burning and I couldn't even look at him for several hours & didn't say more than a few words all evening. I just did not want to engage with him at all.

But it really scared me as normally I just don't do anger. I am the nice kind accommodating people pleaser.

My anger/rage was out of all proportion to the situation but it made me realise that I have huge difficulties with this emotion & would normally avoid expressing it in any way.

mojay · January 08, 2021, 10:50:43 PM

Hi Bluegem, it must be something in the water... I feel exhausted this week too!!
I've also been struggling with my anger this week and I'm right there with you in that it's an exhausting emotion.

I think that your anger isn't out of proportion. Being invalidated is an awful experience... even if the issue was over something small, being invalidated is (in my humble opinion) a betrayal of sorts. Maybe even more so if the original issue was something you'd consider small

Sending you an e-hug and hoping you recoup your energy with the weekend

marta1234 · January 09, 2021, 04:54:47 AM

Bluegem, I've been there with anger too. Although I haven't used the emotion for a year now, when I used to feel invalidated by my m or d, I would have this surge of rage come over me. And as you described, it was like all I felt was this disproportionate rage to the situation that had happened. It was horrible for me, did not like it at all.
Sorry you went through that, but as mojay said, at the end of the day, being invalidated isn't a small thing. For us, in our adult years, it brings us back to our childhood when that's all that happened: our "closest people" invalidating our needs, feelings, safety.

Sending you care and support, Bluegem and a warm hug too