people problems

[jamesG.1]

sigh...

frustrating times here.

Things going really well, on loads of levels, but this damn thing is lingering. I just can't interact with people like I used to.

It's like playing chess, endlessly, looking for attacks, shifting pieces to block threats... does it ever stop?

I just can't tell the difference between my hypervigilance and genuine assertiveness and the need to protect myself from boundary incursions.

Weary

It should be lifting, I've fixed so many of the material and logistical problems, in fact most are better than they ever were before, but my trust is all over the place. I just can't tell where C-PTSD ends and real issues begin.

Probably just a bad day but it's infuriating.

[Blueberry]

Hm. Idk myself. Just wanted to let you know i read and that you have made real progress since you were on the forum more regularly.

All I can say is that healing takes its own time, goes at its own pace, it's hard to hurry it. Yeah, that's infuriating sometimes. Hope for better days for you.

[jamesG.1]

Thanks you...

its  a tough one, but I've been talking with my partner a lot and we are adjusting things, creating some space and acceptance.

The whole thing has changed for me, it's gone from trauma and shock to pain, through bewilderment and survival to a sadness. The sadness comes and goes, a loss of innocence maybe.

Everyone in my life let me down, all at once, and for a long long time. I've weeded out my paranoia from the facts and it still stands. I was badly let down, abandoned, bullied even. So it goes. For a long time I expected someone to ride in and defend me, but they never did, and they never will. I have to stop waiting for that endorsement from those who can't or wont give it. Two of them are dead now. The other two are either mad or so distant that it doesnt matter.

My new life is different.

I have a lot of support, and a lot of love. Security, routine, possibilities. I've made it somewhere safe.

I have to let it all go now, I've thought it to death, there's nothing left to unearth apart from my own happiness and peace of mind.

But yeah, even now... its lurking.

Two nights ago I dreamt my brother was in my workplace, talking to my boss, destroying everything I've gained. Another dream in which my deceased alcoholic ex was sending letters to everyone I know painting me as a villain for leaving. My brain is still fighting this stuff, maybe winning, but will it never end?

Well yes, it will. If I accept