The little things

[Bermuda]

I feel like my past manifests more often than not in present situations in a very subtle way these days. The big things simply don't feel as big, but these little things are immense. There has been a lot of time and distance between myself, and the things that shaped me.

That being said, I'm having so much difficulty. I'm attending university, as an older student, and I cannot speak. It's not a fear of public speaking. I used to LOVE public speaking, I am an activist, and I have a lot to say.

But in certain situations I literally cannot speak. I have this issue that happens in other social situations that I feel I've discribed before, where if someone asks me a simple question on the street, that the shock of someone approaching and speaking to me shuts down my ability to think or answer a basic question. In university, I do so well when we do group work, I often lead the group activities, but when my professor addresses me, my mind turns off, and my mouth will not move.

I have managed to get the words out of my mouth that 'I can't speak'. It makes me feel like bursting into tears, I can hear my blood rushing through my ears. How embarassing, and the reaction of my professor. Unimpressed. This of course, makes my professor think I do not KNOW the answer, that I am unprepared, or that I am shy or avoidant. This is not shyness. I am not shy.

Does anyone have any useful ways of coping with this? Is this something I should speak to the university support about? What would you do?
I just want to add that this is not the sort of thing that exposure helps.

Looking for strategies and to know that I am not alone. Thanks.

[Not Alone]

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/invisible-wounds/201512/vets-experiencing-trauma-cant-respond-reason#:~:text=%E2%80%9CThat's%20because%20PTSD%20emerges%20from,%2C%E2%80%9D%20van%20der%20Kolk%20explained.&text=In%20particular%2C%20one%20part%20of,down%20when%20confronted%20by%20trauma.

"In particular, one part of the left frontal lobe of the brain called the Broca's area shuts down when confronted by trauma. "Without a functioning Broca's area, you cannot put your thoughts and feelings into words," van der Kolk said in his newest book, The Body Keeps the Score. "Our scans showed that Broca's area went offline whenever a flashback was triggered...."

This doesn't answer what to do in that situation, but I thought it might be helpful to know that a lack of words is something that your brain does because of cptsd.

[Bermuda]

Thank you so much notalone. That article is indeed very helpful. It makes me think that maybe one way to address this is to be emotional, maybe not in the middle of a seminar, but possibly I can trigger it elsewhere and see if responding with the natural emotion I feel can retrain this freeze mechanism. I don't know if this is a valid means of solving the issue, but what harm can possibly come from experimenting on myself?

I wasn't sure if this was also startle reflex related, or authority related. There's something about hearing someone say my name that really makes my skin crawl. 

Thanks again.

[Not Alone]

You might want to read van der Kolk's book &/or google what to do when the Broca area of the brain shuts down. I remember reading somewhere (looked but couldn't find this article for you) about therapists helping to get the Broca area of the brain back online. It stuck with me because I remembered when a therapist asked be what kind of car I drove. In the state I was in, I couldn't answer.  When I read this article, I realized what he was doing, he was helping me to get that part of my brain online again.

[Bermuda]

I managed to find an online PDF version of the book. I'll give it a try.

[Not Alone]

Bermuda, I found the article that I had read. See this post if interested. https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13823.0

[Bermuda]

Thanks again. I just read the article. It's very insightful.

cPTSD is so odd. I can understand and accept it. ...But living with it... It can be such a nuisance.

That being said, I have the reflexes of a tiger.
And when my son makes the slightest peep in the night while I sleep, I am there in .7 of a millisecond.
And I can listen to three conversations at once, subconsiously, while reading a book.

So there.  My professor will just have to think I am slow and unprepared, No sense in trying to control everything.