New here. (With old pain, though.)

[Kingfisher]

A thankful 'Hi!' to all of you!

I found this website and forum about two weeks ago and have been reading só much on it, finding confirmation, validation, comfort and recognition in what all you members of this community share - DARE to share - so courageously!
I am 62, male, from The Netherlands, trying to deal with the lasting damage that growing up under a truly malignant narc-father and a terrified, codependent, cold mother has done to me.
Physical abuse. Emotional abuse. Verbal abuse. Lasting for decades on end, unchanged.
Coming upon Pete Walker's book on CPTSD was a revelation to me, almost shocking in the way it clarified and made sense of what I have been suffering for so long; I could (and can) relate to virtually every word of it - as I can fully relate to so many of the posts I read on this forum.

I have KNOWN for a long time that I was severely traumatized (reading Alice Miller's work was a first, important step in acknowledging that) but somehow it remained mainly 'knowledge', on an intellectual, more or less rationalized level.
Since several months I have been experiencing a profound shift in this:
I have started to FEEL it all and, to my own astonishment, I am able to welcome it, to hold it, difficult as it is to feel só much raw, wordless pain in the core of my being, my soul. I call it 'pain', can't put another word to it, not 'grief' or 'fear' or 'despair', not even 'anxiety. It feels most like a huge bundle or ball of intense (but blocked) energy, deep down in my belly.
Does any of you recognize this? All feedback would be most welcome!

I am very glad to have joined this forum and look forward to sharing, reading and learning much, much more. 

[saylor]

Welcome, Kingfisher

Yes, I can relate to much of what you say. And I concur—Pete Walker does do a great job of describing the lived experience of CPTSD. His words provided me much-needed validation of what I've experienced (symptom-wise) in life, following a terror-filled childhood raised by abusive and neglectful parents. Another great book that talks more about the science of trauma's lasting effects on the developing child, as well as therapeutic modalities, is The Body Keeps the Score. There are also some YouTube vids of the author (Bessel van der Kolk) lecturing on the topic that you might find useful.

I also didn't start digging into the reality of what I experienced growing up, and really recognizing and feeling my emotions around it, until well into middle age (dissociation and numbing behaviors kept the veil over my eyes for decades, I believe). There has been (and still is) so much pain, and so many ways the early trauma has warped how I view others, myself, and "my place in the world". I'm still on my journey of trying to find what might help me heal. I'm learning that it's a process, and that there are setbacks and relapses. Healing is not constant, or linear, at least for me. I try to maintain hope, because what's the alternative?

I'm glad you found this community and am looking forward to your future posts

[gravity]

Hello Kinfisher, and welcome to the community.

I completely understand what you mean about Pete Walker's book.  It was the same for me, to finally have concrete words to everything I was feeling but couldn't express.  Everything I read so far is me and my experience.  It's incredible.  I'm glad you found that book and this community.

[Kingfisher]

Hi sailor and gravity,
Thank you for welcoming me, it feels so good to be seen and heard!
I know Van der Kolk's book, saylor, it ís good and what an apt title 'The Body
Keeps the Score' is...!

"following a terror-filled childhood raised by abusive and neglectful parents"
I am so sorry you had to endure all that! I went through the same but to feel really sorry for ME is still difficult.
It is a journey, yes, and a process, but we have found the courage and honesty to go that long and bumpy road. We should honour ourselves for that!

Wishing you well and thanks again.

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum, Kingfisher! 

[Kingfisher]

Thank you, Blueberry!
I feel welcomed here and really free to express myself and deep, far too long held pain.
Posted part of my story in the Emotional Abuse sub-board, this evening; hard ánd cathartic to do so!

[marta1234]

Welcome Kingfisher  Happy to see that the forum is helping you, and hope to hear more from you Sending you a friendly hug if it's ok