Does it ever get easier?

[marta1234]

I have never been able to talk about any kind of physical abuse that I've experienced to anyone. I've only mentioned it one or twice, but never felt connected to it, feeling far far away from it. I've just felt this shame for my whole life about it. It feels sometimes
Tw: mention of death
that this extreme shame can kill me.
In any case, I don't know if any one remembers, but a while back I discussed my struggles and inability to do any school work (and how it was extremely triggering). I've found, unfortunately, that it was the punishment that I would receive for giving wrong answers in my early life that I was flashing back to. Now, I don't know what to do about it. I know this seems a silly question, and maybe a bit ignorant, but I honestly don't know how to continue to live a life when I know how it is to be overpowered over your body, to have lived my young years in fear of my own body and having no control.
How do you cope with this?

[Blueberry]

marta, I do remember your struggles with school work and how triggering it was.

I'm so sorry that you obviously had to endure harsh and unfair punishment for wrong answers. It makes me angry that in this day and age either parents or teachers would do that. It is so counterproductive to learning! But that's just my side rant because I tutor school students and teach adults.

ime it's a form of progress in recovery when I realise what the memory is behind the trigger. Yes, it is usually very painful to connect back to this memory but for me it's often also a key which allows me to say "Now I understand why I have so much difficulty with x,y,z!" Then I can accept this perceived 'failing' better and begin to heal from the shame or at the very least harangue myself a little less (so that means the ICr is reduced).

I don't think your question is silly at all. It's quite complex in fact and not that easy to answer. It sounds to me as if you're beginning to really feel what traumatised you in the past rather than just cognitively know (or maybe it was even all repressed) and you're feeling deeper into the traumatic memories (like the fear of having no control and of your body being overpowered). Could that be roughly what's going on? I would say those types of fears are integral to cptsd. Please know that many of us here on OOTS have been there before and go back to those types of feelings too. Things do get better even though when you're in the thick of them, especially in early recovery, it doesn't feel as if anything will ever change or get better.

I care about you, others on here care about you. I'm sending much supportive, healing energy from here on OOTS and gentle   if they feel safe and good to you.

[Not Alone]

Your question is not silly, at all. Shame and fear are so difficult to live with. At times I have felt like I was drowning in both. There are no simple answers to something so complex, so what I have to say is just a part of the healing. My therapist often says "kindness." I am finding that the more I am able to be kind to myself, the less black everything feels. Baby steps.

[marta1234]

Thank you Blueberry and notalone, your kindness and support is always appreciated. As Blueberry said, I don't know why people do that. In my case, my brother's punishments for every wrong answer I gave really traumatized me. So it just has stuck to me this day, with any work I do. But as notalone said, baby steps. Sending you both hugs back (if it's ok) and lots of support

[Blueberry]

Thank you for hugs back marta! They are always good to receive.

So that was what your brother did. I get it. I really feel for you. I also suffered a lot under an elder brother, though he is not much older. But he was always stronger and people who should've stopped what he was doing and protected me didn't do so. It's trauma caused by sibling abuse.

I feel really glad you found your way to the forum here (though I do know that was a while ago) where you can find answers and support. 

[Not Alone]

 

[rainydiary]

Marta, thank you for speaking about your experience as it taught me I am not alone as I received physical punishment for mistakes as I grew up.  It has somewhat helped me to reflect on the core belief underneath the pain and fear.  The message the abuse taught me was "you are bad and flawed" so I tried my best to be perfect.  That doesn't work and so now I try to speak to myself with evidence contrary to the believe I am bad and/or to provide myself with comfort.  I agree that a little step at a time can be important.  Some days I see a new path ahead paved by the work I am doing and others I feel stuck.  I am rooting for you. 

[marta1234]

Thank you Rainydiary for your support, I'm sorry though that you can relate to this. Sending hugs your way too, I know how bad and overpowering these flashbacks feel  .
I guess if I had to say what these punishments that I would receive taught me was that I was never good and that I should strive till my death to be absolutely perfect.

[woodsgnome]

First, your questions aren't in the least silly. They may seem that way at first, but only because so many of us are conditioned like you were -- to live in fear and shame. When we believe we can't be any other way it is hard to picture ever escaping into the better sort of people we know we are inside.

This gets to the point where those false beliefs get in the way of what we need to share in order to keep our wits about these things that were senseless then, and remain so now.

But here's the good part -- you DID speak out about how you feel. That's huge, coming from a place where you had to endure what you've described. But now you're free to do so, and it's great to see you finally be able to say it loud and clear.

Congratulations  and

[marta1234]

Thank you Woodsgnome  Your support and validation is comforting to hear.