The invisibility of emotional abuse (trigger warning)

[dreamriver]

I got hit hard with some rough emotions today, they surprised me. While searching for important legal documents in my storage, I found some childhood things brought to me years ago from my mother. I found a bunch of the papers, cards, and drawings that she's kept over the years from when I was a little kid.

*Trigger warning - just because I got triggered, I don't know if this will be rough, themes of self-loathing*

So much of what she kept over the years felt like nothing but evidence of how much she loved me and how she was good to me. I found notes from my dad too, which was even stranger, as he was far more abusive (PA/SA, but my M cornered the EA/Neglect aspect pretty good). They were sweet, proud of me, and supportive in all they wrote. I did find letters/diary entries, though, that revealed some of my struggles at the time (ages 4 to about 11) about not being able to make friends, being unable to trust people, being bullied (at home, school, and church), getting extremely quiet (freezing) when something was wrong and not being able to emote, and my strained and sometimes abusive relationships with some of my siblings, so at least there's that.

I think I was triggered by how easily erasable my memories are with no physical evidence, and how much I didn't like myself. I found myself subconsciously looking for evidence of what I've recovered the last year or so with CPTSD, but found very little - someone would find this and think I had an amazing childhood probably with unconditionally loving parents. I didn't think much of it, consciously. Then all of a sudden, I felt just very, very, very sick and ill, nauseous. I doubled over at one point. Maybe I really was just a difficult handful of a kid, innately, and my parents (M especially) did their best, and I was just genuinely odd, unlikable, unlovable, that's why I struggled so much. They just didn't know what to do with me. The kid I was, was such a strange, pinched, lonely, dysfunctional, and self-loathing child that seemed to alienate everyone, and all that self-loathing came right back up for me. I looked at that kid that I was and I hated her, which is really not good for inner child work.

I've come a long way to be the adult I am, from that child that hated herself without really knowing it. But I see it so clearly now. And it was mostly emotional abuse and neglect, the opinions of family and everyone else, that pounded so hard on me, that's what CPTSD recovery has shown me. But it's so hard that it can be so easily hidden, the EA and neglect. It was so retriggering that my body reacted while my mind was just confused. I guess that could be evidence that it really happened, too. Emotional abuse is the worst.

[Hope67]

Hi Dreamriver,
I read what you wrote, and related to a lot of what you said.  Seeing how retriggering that all was, and the visceral impact on your body, it really highlights the fact that the body keeps the score and remembers things that consciously might be out of mind. It must have been very emotional to find those notes, and evoked many contrasting emotions, which you've written about so well.  I want to send you a supportive hug, if that's ok    I want to say more, but I can't find the words to convey what I want to say. 

Hope 

[marta1234]

Dreamriver, what you wrote really resonated with me. I also knew that on the outside, our family looked fine (although nobody really saw because we never had relatives in the countries we stayed). For me, as my abuser was my brother, I know that seeing childhood drawings of our family triggers me a lot. One thing I hated was in high school, when teachers would praise my brother or ask about him as if he was a good person at the time (my brother had gone to the same school as I).

But I want to say that you weren't and aren't odd, unlikable or even unlovable. Like someone here has said, poo poo to your inner critic and abusers!  I'm sorry you went through so much pain and abuse, Dreamriver. I know how invalidating the childhood drawings and messages can feel. Sending you a hug if it's ok 

[Bermuda]

I really resonate with your words too. When I read them I'm reminded of my own struggles. Emotional abuse was definitely the worst for me too, and it's the one that we doubt the most and that's advocated against the least. I just wanted to say that you are visible, that it's real, and you don't have to find evidence to support the way you feel. I hope that helps. I'm not really good at these things.

[dreamriver]

Thank you all for your responses. It helps me feel more real, seen and heard 

I'm at a grieving stage in my recovery and had a good cry today, it felt really good, or as good as getting out grief can be. Getting all that bad stuff from the past out. It helped get rid of some pain too, both emotional and physical. I don't need to look at myself with suppressed hatred like my family does.

Marta1234, my brother was also one of my major abusive figures growing up. As they say, "it's just the way older brothers are," but what he did cut deeper than I ever thought even when I thought I was "over" it all. I don't think brothers should be excused anymore for how they treat siblings.

My brother was also more popular than I in school. I found a newspaper in these things that was supposed to show my athletic accomplishments, but they mixed up my name with his, probably because I was totally invisible. His name was there instead of mine. That was rather triggering ...

Thank you for the hugs martha1234 and Hope, right back at you 

[Dark.art.girl]

I might be a little late to this party too, but I wanted to say that I related so much to multiple aspects of this post.
Emotional abuse is absolutely horrible. It's so sad that we have to dig things up to remind ourselves of what it was really like. I do the exact same thing. Like at one point the reality of it all just sprouted rainbows and unicorns?

And one of the weirdest parts of CPTSD that I've been trying to figure out, and I'm SO glad you mentioned this, is the somatic response from triggers!! I mean it's like, half the time we don't even know what's going on and our body is just reacting. Thank you so much for sharing this, because you're not alone in these feelings or experiences.

[dreamriver]

I might be a little late to this party too, but I wanted to say that I related so much to multiple aspects of this post.
Emotional abuse is absolutely horrible. It's so sad that we have to dig things up to remind ourselves of what it was really like. I do the exact same thing. Like at one point the reality of it all just sprouted rainbows and unicorns?

And one of the weirdest parts of CPTSD that I've been trying to figure out, and I'm SO glad you mentioned this, is the somatic response from triggers!! I mean it's like, half the time we don't even know what's going on and our body is just reacting. Thank you so much for sharing this, because you're not alone in these feelings or experiences.

Thank you so much Dark.art.girl.

And that's the crazy thing: I wasn't even searching for clues consciously. But some part of me was? Suddenly I was just feeling disappointment. Then disgust with myself, without even really knowing why.

I didn't even want to feel sick. I didn't even want to feel bad. Who does? The craziest part though was some part of me looking at myself and saying "you're doing this for attention, because you're just lying about everything." I can't believe I'd feel that way about feeling like this, without anyone even around to get attention from. I'm noticing that inner critic more lately.

Through EA our minds became prisons that our bodies/other parts of us are trying to break free of. It's like an invisible electric fence but the electricity was turned off long ago. The fear barrier is still there ...

Edit: Also, I see that you're new Dark.art.girl. Welcome to the forum!

[Dark.art.girl]

Thank you for the welcome.
Yes, I've noticed the prison-like feeling as well. But it sounds like (correct me if I'm wrong) you wanted to seek the truth, whether you were aware of it or not. Reprocessing is super helpful, and I think it might've been your brain's way of healing or trying to heal. The thoughts between our own and the intrusive self-critic is like a total all-out warzone. We picked up what we learned as children, and that voice of punishment came from the actions of our fundamental caregivers. That's what sucks to think about. We judge ourselves the exact way that they judged us.

But, the good thing is, the more you tell yourself those thoughts mean nothing and the more you replace those thoughts with ones that validate your feelings, the easier it becomes. It's hard work and it's work that sometimes we just want to give up on, but be easy on yourself. No one else could possibly imagine what it's like to heal these wounds, so give yourself the time and space to do so however you feel you need to.   

[Kizzie]

I'm the survivor of covert relational abuse/neglect DreamRiver and it took decades for me to figure out what had happened because my NPDM in particular strove to maintain (at all costs) the image that we were a happy loving family. 

It's completely understandable to me that to come across 'evidence' it wasn't them it would cause you to question yourself. I have been through the same thing but have learned to look at my symptoms to remember and validate the truth of what I went through.  We don't develop CPTSD out of nowhere, it is the result of abuse/neglect and in our case it just wasn't as obvious.  But it did happen, the EA was real and we have physical and emotional injures as a result. 

Please hang onto that and know you are here for a reason.

[Bella]

Just wanted to say I can relate to just about everything you wrote. EA is so devastating on so many levels, and probably one of the worst beeing the self doubt, confusion and self loathing. So sorry you had to endure it, and now have to deal with its consequences.
My trauma is basically "just" emotional.  Confusion has been a huge struggle for me, but like Kizzie wrote, the symptoms we have is, and should be, evidence enough!
Sending you lots of validation, and a hug, if that's ok with you! 

[Blueberry]

Dreamriver, I read your post for the first time today.
I've heard people with the most heinous CSA say that EA was the worst. Because it was constant. It was simply always there.

There were good times in my childhood too, or at least better times. They seemed good then. People looking in on my family from outside thought we had it good. M's M was always going on about how we had the best M in the world. It's a bad idea to equate money and education with love and caring. Or 'those types of family' abuse their kids too, they just too it differently.

Over the years I have found out that there were people who saw through it, other than 2 relatives who actually said something, which didn't go down well with my parents. But there were other people, including one of my M's best friends from back when I was a child. 

I'm at a grieving stage in my recovery and had a good cry today, it felt really good, or as good as getting out grief can be. Getting all that bad stuff from the past out. It helped get rid of some pain too, both emotional and physical. I don't need to look at myself with suppressed hatred like my family does.

Not looking at yourself the way your family looks at you is huge, imo.   I'm happy for you that crying felt good. If you need some 'proof', there it is: some of the physical pain went away after you grieved. The Body Keeps the Score as Hope posted. I believe you without all the proof though.

my brother was also one of my major abusive figures growing up. As they say, "it's just the way older brothers are," but what he did cut deeper than I ever thought even when I thought I was "over" it all. I don't think brothers should be excused anymore for how they treat siblings.

  I suffered a lot under my elder brother as well. "Children fight" my parents said. "It's normal."

My brother was also more popular than I in school. I found a newspaper in these things that was supposed to show my athletic accomplishments, but they mixed up my name with his, probably because I was totally invisible. His name was there instead of mine.

I'm so sorry about that! It must have really hurt

[dreamriver]

Thank you all for your responses they are really comforting.

Kizzie, thank you for reminding me of that. I forget sometimes. My inner critic finds ways around it. But yes, the evidence is in the symptoms and pain we feel. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, it feels like a true definition of * sometimes. So why would I *want* to feel this pain, and invent some scenario in my mind, just because I needed validation? I'm not getting the validation anyway. I could just drop it if that were true. Find an easier way to go about it. Pain is pain. The voice inside me telling me that it's all made up and not real is not my own, anyway (it's my M's and sister's voices.) My IC is SO good at what it does....

Bella and Blueberry - I experienced some CSA and PA but by far the EA has been the worst. There are some huge mysteries to the more physical aspects of my abuse but it's almost like they're not even that huge on my mind compared to the EA/neglect, which I flash back to the most often. It's like the CSA/PA is physical torture in a prison but the EA is the actual bars that don't allow you to leave.

My brother was also more popular than I in school. I found a newspaper in these things that was supposed to show my athletic accomplishments, but they mixed up my name with his, probably because I was totally invisible. His name was there instead of mine.

I'm so sorry about that! It must have really hurt

I left the newspaper out of my stuff and burned it to start my woodfire yesterday  it felt good.

[Kizzie]

I left the newspaper out of my stuff and burned it to start my woodfire yesterday  it felt good.

         Bravo Dreamriver, bravo