TW PA/MA My Half-Brother/Mom and Games

[Eidolon]

My half-brother is autistic and several years older than me (I think around 7 years older?)

We would play these games where he would pick me up and throw me into a metal bed frame. He would dance around and laugh about it, marveling at my new bruises until I started doing it, too. There were times he threw me so hard into the bed frame that I could not breathe. I just wheezed on the floor. Nobody did anything to help. I could never tell anyone because he was the golden child, or when I did, there would be humiliation after.

My N Mother, drunk as ever at one point, pulled me into her room with my half-brother crying on the bed. He was wailing about being sorry, how he didn't mean to do it. She said I had hepatitis B and he gave it to me somehow, the doctor's results had come back. But there never were doctor's results for me! Those were for him! I got tested when my dad received custody, I don't have hepatitis B. Never did.

I remember being under a blanket and him pressing himself against me when I was, I don't know, 10 years old. We'd play games like Super Smash Brothers Melee and pretend to "do it" on the game. Nobody said anything about that being strange. My mother was trying to teach me about "sexual chakras", so I believe she had something to do with that.

I want to know who taught him to do those things and I want to scream. I want to throw things. Who said that was okay? Why was playing like that okay? I messaged him a few months back to ask him if he was sorry. It wasn't much of an apology.

Why am I ashamed of being the one that was thrown around?    It's unfair.

[Not Alone]

The adults in your life really failed you.

[Eidolon]

The adults in your life really failed you.

It took a while for it to hit me, but they really did. Thank you for that.  My mind kept screaming "it's not abuse, that's just how things work."
It isn't how things work at all. But I survived and I'm ready to heal, even if it hurts.