Confusion hits again!

[Bella]

This is such a struggle for me at the moment! Last year when I first learned about CPTSD, I had a lightbulb moment and my jaw dropped. Never before had I read about something that so deeply resonated with me and my experience. I've written about this on this forum before, and your kind responses always lifts me, and help put things into perspective for me. But the confusion seems to come in waves, and now I feel like I'm drowning..
A part of me seems to work hard at trying to convince me that what I now experience in therapy (weird reactions, emotional overwhelm, regressing etc) only happens because I've read about it. I've read about the symptoms of CPTSD, and now I just act it out only cause I want to receive the recognition and empathy from the therapist. The part keeps on rambling about how pathetic I am, and that my experiences do not classify as trauma. And why is this so important to me in the first place?? That what happened to me classifies as trauma?? I don't trust my own experiences or my perceptions of them. I don't trust my thoughts or my feelings... I don't trust my likes and dislikes. I don't know what I really want or what I wish for... everything is just blurry and inconsistent. I don't know what I need! I don't know what I hope for....

[marta1234]

Bella, I'm so sorry you're going through this. My heart goes out to you  , it is the worst when these waves come over me too. I just wanted to say that usually this happens when I'm overwhelmed with "new" trauma that I've discovered, I use this as a defense mechanism against the new found memories (I remember having to do this when I was a kid, during the abuse happening). Now, this usually goes on for a day or two, and then subsided as I manage to calm down (meaning take a break from anything stressful).
I just wanted to tell you and your ICr that no, you are not creating stuff up! As someone here has said many times, poo oo to your ICr! Remember Bella, you are safe now, no longer in danger, so you don't need to be scared anymore. You're here. In the present.
Sending much love and a big hug to protect you from the nasty comments you're getting from your ICr

[Bella]

Thank you, Marta! I love hugs, and appreciate them a lot! (Yet another "proof" I don't struggle with childhood trauma according my ICr)
I do think, like you, that stress triggers confusion in me... thank you for reminding me. In therapy sessions my therapist use those exact words "you are here in the present" when anxiety hits. Maybe my bouts of confusion in reality are EF's overwhelming me..  haven't thought about that possibility before... Always appreciate your empathy and concern!