Can one be a traumatized child even if one performed well at school?

[Bella]

Thank you both, Alter-Eg0 and blues_cruise, for your comments.
What you've written resonates with me.

So I worked my * off, and did well. I was very good at blocking everything out (FREEZE) and just going on. For me, it wasn't until after school ended that the lid came off and I started having the worst symptoms.

Yes! This is exactly how it was for me too. I've always had anxiety and depression, but I didn't acknowledge it when I was young, and managed to push the symptoms away and go on with daily living. I was also working all the time, never allowing myself to sit still. If I did, my symptoms would overwhelm me.

Socially I really struggled though and my self esteem was non existent

Yup! Sounds like me.
As long as I can study, read, write, I'm fine. The minute I'm supposed to do anything practical, my shoulders touches my ears, my body get all tense, my mind gets foggy, and I get this terrible feeling of doom! Sounds really exaggerated, but this is how it feels. Even making dinner at home for my family, can make me feel like this! Whatever I do is never ever good enough. This has led me to also have breakdowns, where the only thing I've ached for is something familiar and safe, even if it hasn't been good. Freeze mode feels safe!

It was such a mess looking back. I can see the reality of it having spent years dissecting it and learning about trauma though. Bella, it sounds like school possibly offered you stability and direction which allowed you to do better once out of the damaging home environment. Often when in the middle of trauma humans can be very resilient and not see their circumstances as being out of the ordinary, particularly when we're young and have never known any different.

The reality of it all are also starting to creep in on me. Just like you, I'm dissecting everything that has happened, reading everything I can get my hands on on trauma. Even though the confusion has been intense, I am starting to acknowledge my own experiences and feelings. Never done that before. Have always looked to others to find out what I should be feeling and thinking.
Growing up I defenetly never thought my experience wasn't normal in any way.
My therapist wants me to realise how strong I've actually been despite everything.  That is difficult though, when I haven't been able to do anything for years.

[rainydiary]

Bella, I appreciate you starting this thread.  I also was a high achiever in school and similar to others struggled socially.  Understanding my trauma hurt too and I look back with such sadness for my younger self. 

I appreciate the thought from your therapist about considering the strength you have shown to get to this moment.  That thought rubs against me too - I have always thought of myself as resilient and of late an anger has been creeping in.  The question "but why did I have so much put on me so young to the point I couldn't emotionally and psychologically manage?" has come up. 

I think it is coming up because I work with adolescents many of whom no doubt have experienced trauma.  I want them to know about trauma and be able to access support when they are ready.  I also want to be a support to them yet often find myself trapped in my own stuff. 

I am finding the importance of feeling safe in my body and my mind and being able to speak my experience.  I am trying to see the importance of how I have made it through each day that came before with more understanding and information.  I question if my life has amounted to much and I feel stuck often but hope that somehow I have made a difference to at least one other. 

[Bella]

Thank you, Rainydiary, for your comment.
I might be wrong, but I do sense that you have come a long way when it comes to dealing with your trauma. The fact that you feel sad for your younger self, and also anger for what s(he) had to go through, show that these feelings are not "stuck" in you. You are able to direct them where they need to be. That is something I hope to achieve one day.
I totally get you stil feel stuck at times, doubting yourself. That is probably in the very nature of CPTSD. But there is no doubt in my mind you will be of great support to the adolescents you are working with. They will sense that you emphatize with them, and actually understand what they are going through, even if it doesn't always feel like that for you.
I just felt like telling you.. maybe it can serve as an encouragement.

[rainydiary]

Bella, I appreciate the comment and I also noticed your inclusive use of pronouns which I appreciate too.  It is helpful to have an outside perspective and to receive this validation.  I am glad to be here in this place with others that are so understanding.