Trying to make a hard decision...

[CactusFlower]

So, let me give a little background, but I would like advice if anyone else has been in a similar situation. I have a temporary job right now, have for about 7 months, as a COVID contact tracer/case investigator. I work from home full time 8-5 Weds through Sunday, my team is great, my boss is great, it's for the state and actually has benefits. I do love feeling like I'm helping people, and I often know I helped. They also don't care that I take some hemp gummies to deal with the anxiety while on the phone lately. As bosses and co-workers go, they're pretty awesome.

However, as you can imagine, I get people on the phone on occasion who are very "less than nice". I have had a few panic/anxiety attacks due to some people, not in what they said as much as how aggressive and mean they were. More stuff came up and it hit super hard. I won't go into detail so as not to trigger anyone, hopefully. Having these good benefits, (and a best friend who's a social worker), I realized I need professional help and have found a therapist who I think is going to be a good fit. She also takes all the local major insurances as well as Medicaid.

The job thing is getting worse. Discovering what all is happening is like opening Pandora's box, it feels like. I took a week off to get the therapist set up and deal with the EF's I was having and the memories coming up. But I actually (albeit it kind of politely) hung up on someone who was being a butt on Saturday, and Sunday, I found I just couldn't do calls if a man's name popped up. (and surprisingly, no, I haven't really had any mean women on the phone.)  I just know my reach/completion rate is going to be lousy. We are finally getting daily case rates under 1000 again, so eventually, there will be an end to this job. (which was understood, also, you can't temp for the state for more than a year.)

So here's my dilemma.  Do I force myself to keep going so I have the benefits as long as possible? I only have had a couple sessions with my therapist so far and want to continue with her. But if I find myself unable to do this job, they *will* let me go. I'm actually okay with not working, i have enough savings to not be worried for quite a while. I also have lots of other skills and experience. (I'm 50) Do I get out before I *have* to leave? if I do, I'll go on medicaid, but that doesn't go into effect until the month after you quit work, so now that would mean March. I *might* be able to afford the couple of sessions I'd need without insurance, but I'd rather not. I don't know what I should do.  Tomorrow is my Sunday, FYI. At this point, I'm not actually able to say if I can adequately go another three to four weeks.

I'll just stop as now I feel I'm repeating myself, sorry.
Sage

[Alter-eg0]

That's a tough one, Sage.

What does your gut tell you? I get the feeling that deep down, you already know the answer, but you're trying to rationalise it. Which is fine, of course. Just don't underestimate the smarts and the validity of your gut

The thing is, the job may have benefits, but if it damage "costs" more than the benefits...well 
Do the benefits outweigh the cost? (I mean that in the broad sense of the word).

If you do choose to stay, is there additional support that you could get? Have you talked to your boss/colleagues? I found for example in my job(s) that just sharing what happened with a colleague can already really help to ease the stress, and share the load. It made me feel less crazy and more supported, too, when they would tell me that they experience the same situations. Also, I happened to have a boss who turned out to be a great coach, which helped.

Good luck with everything, take care!

[CactusFlower]

Thank you!

Lots to answer, I don't think there's anything additional that can be done. My boss has asked her management and they are not allowing anyone to go to part-time who wasn't originally hired for that. We actually do share in meetings twice a day, which is helpful, but that's more like "oh yeah, I had a call like that" kind of thing. While i know they would understand, i don't feel comfortable going all "That call really triggered me", if you know what I mean. We have a wide range of experience in the group, everything from former retail to PAs and social workers. I have made actual friends with a couple on Facebook who are super supportive, which is nice and it's very very rare for me to make friends with co-workers outside that environment. I usually don't have much in common with them.

I think part of the problem of letting go is my deep love of helping out. Doing this is a way to give back to the wonderful place I moved to. And when I truly help someone, it feels good. I had a call Sunday with a young lady who just tested positive and needs to isolate, and was literally on the day of moving out to go live with her parents. And now she couldn't because her dad is high-risk. I helped her find some emergency shelter numbers and she's going to ask the landlord if she can just stay the rest of her isolation days until the weekend. Those calls are so fulfilling, and getting people their isolation/quarantine instructions is vital work.

But yeah, I think you're right. I can't see myself doing this without another panic attack for the next few months or whoever long they keep us on. I talk to my therapist Thursday night, I think I'll see if we can figure out a plan for between insurances.  Thank you. Sometimes I just need to hear things from someone else rather than worrying myself to death and being indecisive.

gracias,
Sage

[CactusFlower]

And i did it. Friday was my last day. They were all so understanding and sweet and we'll be keeping in touch. My boss assured me any reference will be good and how sorry she was to see me go, but understood. I definitely feel lighter and freer, and it turns out my therapist's self-pay rates are extremely reasonable, so I'm not strapped until Medicaid can kick in. Several people said I could use them for references.But now I can concentrate on less things and not worry that each day will bring new possible triggers with each call. I'm grateful to the universe that I can do this right now and focus on some healing.

Sage

[Alter-eg0]

That's awesome, Sage! Well done

[Not Alone]

Sage, I know that was a tough decision. Good job listening to your gut and then following through. I'm glad that people were so support of you and your decision.