Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)

[rainydiary]

Hope, finding words being challenging resonates with me.  Words can be so powerful (in helpful and unhelpful directions) and also be difficult to describe  our experience(s).  I hope that you find a way of expression even if it isn't words if that would be supportive.

[Armee]

 

[dollyvee]

 

[sanmagic7]

 

[Hope67]

   Thanks for your hugs, and I appreciate them.

************
28th December 2021
The end of 2021 is approaching, and I hope to start a new journal for 2022.  It's been a tough few days, as there have been unexpected things happening, and I've been negotiating my way through the ups and downs of that.  But it's ok.

I really want to be able to write more about some of those things, but I actually don't feel able to, as I think that talking about any situation is likely to make me feel vulnerable. 

Yet I dislike the fact that I feel 'tied up' by my inability to be open.  That I am always cautious about what I say and who I say it to. 

I have re-read some things I wrote in this forum back in previous years, and been amazed by my openness - how I was able to talk about things that I've not shared previously - or not shared very much, and that it was helpful to do that.  I think I need to be brave in 2022 and see what happens.  Afterall, life is finite, and I've got some years left, I would like to live them without so much fear.  What am I afraid of?  Difficult to say.

What has occurred to me is that my time line for when things happened in my life has not been accurate.  I've discovered that I was actually older than I anticipated at certain times, and younger at others.  The fragmented nature of memories, and particularly due to trauma, it makes it so difficult to form anything that makes sense sometimes, but I'm gradually working things out and trying to piece things into a narrative that makes some sense. 

My hope is that I can loosen up and just communicate things - here in my journal and elsewhere in the forum.  I think that would be better for me, and so I hope I can achieve that.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

i have the same hope for you, dear hope.  i've found wonderful results, especially on this forum, from being open.  i know it can be scary - fear of judgment is a big one for me - but i'm glad i've done it anyway.  all in all it's been a helpful learning experience.  best to you with this.  love and hugs

[Armee]

It's really tough to be open especially on a public forum.

Maybe you'll be able to share how you are feeling, without specifics, but I know how hard the dissociation and fragmentation make even that.

I'm sorry this happens to you. 

I'm sorry you are going through a lot right now, too.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic & Armee,
Thank you both - I really appreciate what you both said. 

**********
30th December 2021
So, the end of 2021 is approaching, just one more day.  I've not really managed to do much in the way of summarising things from this year, or concluding things - such were my hopes to do that, but it's been harder to find my way through the past days than I anticipated, BUT, I'm actually feeling relatively ok today, and I have some positive feelings about 2022, that it will be an ok year - I hope so.  I am optimistic, is what I'm trying to say.

Last night I dreamed that someone I know had died - and now I wonder whether they are actually likely to die or not.  I think it's unlikely - as the person I dreamed about would have no reason to die - BUT, I think that some friends I knew did die around Christmas time in previous years, so maybe it's that uncertainty of life, that made me fear for someone that I know.

Looking at my language as I write this, I feel as if I'm writing in that laboured way - like the Victorian woman in long skirts kind of person that I feel is within me sometimes.

Feeling as if I'm stilted and repressed and not able to express myself, yet at the same time, when I re-read things I've written, they actually look ok - it's a strange thing.

I noticed that there was a free replay of a trauma conference, and I was going to put a link up about that, but I actually felt a bit over-whelmed the last time I tried to watch some of those - even though I found some of them helpful, it took a lot out of me to watch them, and maybe that's way I've neglected to put the link up.

...I'm going to try to be open to any thoughts and feelings in this moment, and see what I write about here - what comes to mind is that I got a Christmas card from a relative (purposefully not saying which one, as I feel like I get 'stalked' in terms of my feelings about that) - but I ripped the card up.  There was a really overtly pointed remark made in the card, and it wasn't nice.  Also, the communication at all was unwanted.  I don't want any cards.  No communications from that person.  I do feel angry about the fact that person did that.  (Another side/part of me feels differently about it of course - but essentially - I feel angry about it).

I have taken a break from reading any self-help books in the past month.  I've found that to be quite good for me - to take a break from it.  But I feel sure I'll want to read something in the new year. 

I'm wondering whether to tear up notes I've made about some things.  Not sure about that. 

Glad to have written this today.  Feels good that I wrote some things.
Hope 

[Blueberry]

  on ripping that card up! I remember the first time I did that it felt really good. I see/read that you were expressing anger. I'm proud of you!   Because I remember back to when that was pretty near impossible for you.

I think that you expressed yourself well in what you wrote - it's all totally comprehensible and doesn't sound stilted to me. Just a little feedback   but I do accept the Victorian woman in long skirts part of you. Undoubtedly she has her reason for being or for thinking the way she does. I hope that makes sense to you and is not prescriptive. Please ignore if not helpful.

About the trauma conference replay, I got an email about it too. I'm sure everybody did who was originally registered and they are probably also the only people who can access the replay so I wouldn't bother posting it especially not as you feel a bit overwhelmed. Just take care of you instead! "Just". As if it were so easy.

I love that you're feeling optimistic about 2022!   

[woodsgnome]

Hi, Hope ... mainly I'm just wanting to acknowledge my attunement to how you feel about those conferences and readings. First, though, if it's okay, I'd just like to offer a heartful 

About those overwhelmed feelings per conferences/readings, I get entirely where you're coming from on these. I think all of us are so eager to find these as ways to figure out what, except for some hidden detail, how to stem the pain of the bad times. I suppose this could be called the perfectionist trap -- the notion that we'll actually find an answer when we're not even sure what the question might be.

It still seems important, though, to learn what and where we can about the life we missed. For me, though, I've given up any honest hope that the clouds are about to permanently be rolled back on those memories that trap me no matter what. It's awful and the conferences/books can exacerbate the pain. So it seems important to sift, rather than probe too deep. Finding the balance between wanting knowledge as relief and just living where and how I've come to be seems key.

We have the access to some outer sources, anyway. And we're  all at varying stages of absorbing what seems useful. All of this  is still present, and it's good to have some of it in the background. It may (but sadly may not) relieve some of what drove us underground, but it goes at its own pace.

[Not Alone]

 

[sanmagic7]

hope, i love the visual of you ripping that card up.  way to go!     i've found extra strength in the physicality of doing something tangible to things like that.

also wanted to mention the great self-care you're employing by taking a break from trauma work, whether in written or visual form.  i've found breaks to be the best medicine at times.  keep listening to yourself - that's real progress.  love and hugs

[Armee]

 

Great job expressing your anger at the unwanted communication!!!!

And I'm so happy to see you here writing. It is clear and I get a sense of you.

[Hope67]

2nd January 2022
Thank you all so much for what you wrote    I wanted to write more, but I have to go out in a few minutes, and so I hope to come back either later today or another day, and just finish off writing a few things in this journal, and then start a new one.  But I am so happy that you all wrote what you did, and I appreciate all of you.   

Hope 

[Hope67]

4th January 2022
I'd hoped to write something individually to the people who wrote in my journal in recent weeks, but I realise that my fear of endings has somehow meant I would struggle to perhaps do that, so I'll just say that I appreciate all that you wrote, and hope that you'll pop into my new journal too - which I intend to start sometime later this week.  This is my final entry into this particular journal, and I feel the need to write about a dream I had last night, but I seem to remember that I had a journal somewhere else in the forum where I'd written about dreams, so maybe I'll go there to write it down.  Yes, I think I will - providing I can find it...

So, what do I want to write today, to finish this journal - just that I do recognise that I have made some progress over the past year, and that the process of journalling and sharing thoughts and feelings here, in the journal and in other parts of this forum, have been valuable, and all the replies I've had, and the wisdom of things people have said, they are invaluable.

I can see the title of this journal was 'Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1) - and I had anticipated that I'd have more parts to the journal, but it seems the entire year passed, and there was only one part.

Yet, I have discovered more about the parts of myself, and realise there are several parts.  I can't really give them names, as I don't feel as if I 'know' them well enough, and I know they're all parts of me.  I do communicate with them, and I listen to them, and I try to acknowledge and welcome each and every part, and I think they are relaxing more, and allowing me to hear and see things that they communicate to me.  I don't feel as if I can have a proper dialogue with them yet though - and I wonder if that will happen in time.  I don't know.

I'm going to think about a new title for my next journal.  Not sure what it will be.  I'll try to find the 'dream' area and write about that dream.

Hope