I didn't know I did this (TW: SI, SH)

[CactusFlower]

Before reading about all this, honestly, I had the stereotypical concept of self-harm. I know that mainly comes from things like tv,movies, etc. I pick at my skin at blemishes, bite my cuticles/hangnails, and... something I've never admitted... I overplucked my eyebrows completely gone years ago in my 30s and have to had to draw them on for a long time now. (no, microblading doesn't last as long as they say it will, what a waste of money.) I've always lied and said they just fell out, I must have been allergic to something, blah blah. I had no idea this is self-harm. I thought well, I've never "hurt" myself. Although that's not totally true. I recently remembered one instance of scratching at my arm until it was raw, but it hurt, so I stopped.  But, then I turned my destruction(?) outward... is there a term for that?

I tended to sit in the back of classrooms, and I'd just quietly end up gouging lines in the desk edged with a metal pen clip or something. Not like when kids graffiti-scratch something, just lines over and over to see how deep I could scratch them in the class time I had. Especially if I was bored. Or if I was outside, I would pick up a small stick or a leaf or something to strip the bark or shred it into tiny pieces.  I thought it was just fidgeting, and it was never my own possessions. Is that self-harm turned outward?

Regardless, I do still skin pick and such as mentioned above. But not that all this has come up, I've consciously noticed that it's when I'm agitated and don't want to admit or confront something. But most of the time, it's completely automatic for the most part. In a way, I'm a little relieved there's a valid reason for it, if that makes sense? That I'm not just annoyed at having adult acne for the past 30 years.
Sage

[deepbreaths]

I relate to this so much Sage! I've always avoided activities that I thought might draw attention as self-harm. But I aggressively pick at my skin, pluck hairs, and will scratch my skin or bite my fingers until they hurt when I am particularly stressed. If I have anything else in my hands, like paper, string, of leaves as you mention, I will rip them to pieces instead. I try to do this intentionally sometimes to spare my skin.

I expect there might be something to the adult acne part of that as well. I've noticed that mine gets worse when I am stressed. And then I end up touching my face more...what a vicious cycle!