Info about Dealing with Parents

[Kizzie]

Thought I'd start an information thread re Family of Origin (FOO).

Articles

• Toxic Elderly Parents
• How to Set Boundaries That Work for Toxic Parents, Partners and Siblings

Books

Children of the Aging Self-Absorbed: A Guide to Coping with Difficult, Narcissistic Parents and Grandparents by N. Brown, 2015

Coping With Your Difficult Older Parent : A Guide for Stressed-Out Children, by G. Lebow & B. Kane, 1999

Elder Rage, or Take My Father... Please!: How to Survive Caring for Aging Parents,  by J. Marcelle, 2001

[Blue Rose]

Kizzie, you are so thoughtful, thank you for sharing.

[Armadillo]

Thank you! Seeing these resources makes me feel like crying and makes me not feel alone.

[Kizzie]

   You're so not alone in this Armadillo, it's just a topic that needs to be brought out into the open more like so much that those of us with CPTSD have to deal with. 

[Kizzie]

This is a really useful article I just came across given how many of us who haven't gone NC have dealing with family situations:

35 Scripts for Trauma Survivors to Set Family Boundaries: A comprehensive cheat sheet by Amanda Gregory Nov 4, 2022

An example:

Emotionally Charged Conversations

Politics, religion, death, and trauma are a few of the topics that may come up in conversations with family members. These conservations can trigger intense emotional reactions in you and others. Ultimately, you decide how you participate in these conversations (if you choose to participate at all), and you can communicate your choices to your family members.

Consider using these scripts:

I appreciate how strongly you feel about this. I feel strongly about it too. I think it's best not to talk about this now. Let's reconnect at a later time.

I'm feeling overwhelmed right now, so it's hard for me to focus on your feedback. I am going to take a break.

I feel embarrassed when you bring this up in front of everyone. Next time, please talk to me about this topic in private.

My thoughts and feelings are equally as important as yours. If you want me to listen, you must also listen to me. Is this something you can do?

I appreciate hearing your opinion, but I'm not prepared to change my mind.

If you'd like to continue this discussion, I need you to stop commenting on [my weight, appearance, partner, sexuality, the past].
That has not been [isn't] my experience.

At this point, we need to agree to disagree.[/i]

[Kizzie]

I was just over at our sister site Out of the FOG and saw that they have some helpful sub-sections:

Dealing with PD parents - https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=4.0

Dealing with elderly parents https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=37.0.

Dealing with the death of PD parents - https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=59.0.   When a PD enters hospice or dies, it isn't over. Family trauma can be at its highest in the last days of a PD's life. And after death, the flashbacks and memories are still there for survivors. Flying monkeys still make appearances. They can kindle feelings of guilt even after a PD dies, and they can stoke ongoing obligations to an enabling parent or to the deceased. Many of us are left with complex emotions of new loss, guilt, or emptiness. Our relationships with other family members can turn new corners as well, for good or ill.