Not Success but not Setback. Maybe just tired?

[PhoenixA]

Started with a new T recently.  Have been trying to get some support for a couple of years now, and Covid made it worse.  Got very discouraged and frustrated but I have long ago learned I can't give up on self-advocacy, and it finally has paid off.  After only two sessions (and phone sessions at that), I know things are shifting and I'm back on the path of healing again. Another layer of the onion is coming off.  How do I know?  Because I'm so uncomfortable - increased hypervigilance, worse nightmares, and an overwhelming tiredness and sadness.  I have learned that to heal, I have to be willing to make myself very uncomfortable.  I have to be willing to CHOOSE to hurt, CHOOSE to feel things I would much rather not feel and experience.  I have enough experience to know that on the other side is a healthier, happier, freer life.  But....  Right now I'm tired.  I know that every time I push through my fears and push back against my programming there is payback.  Usually increased dissociation, greatly increased anxiety, nightmares, etc.  So I know that the worse I feel the more that means the work I'm doing is good work, and that the payoff in the long run is worth it.  But knowing that and living in and through it is different.  Knowing that doesn't make it any easier to not cave in to those icky and uncomfortable feelings and not follow through with the work to get better.  Covid and having moved away from a very strong support system a few years ago also does not make it easier.  When I wake from a nightmare at 3 AM and the world feels like a lonely place and my anxiety is high, it is sometimes hard to hold on to the knowledge that this is actually a good thing and an indication that I am being successful in working through another piece of my puzzle of me.  And I'm tired.  Bone tired of 30 years of this - and yes, am I a totally different, happier, mostly integrated and pretty much functional me?  Absolutely!!!  Has it been worth it?  Oh, my goodness yes, a thousand times yes!!!  Do I look forward to even more work because somewhere inside me there is a determination and drive to always look for more layers to work on and to become the most whole, healthy, happy me that I can be?  Not in a million years, but it doesn't stop the drive or determination.  Guess today is both a low spot and a spot for celebration.  Low because I can see what is ahead of me, and I know it takes a lot of guts, work, and energy to get where I want to go.  Spot for celebration because I CAN see it, and because I finally have found someone to help with that gentle guidance and support to help me get where I want to go.  And also celebration for believing I am worth not giving up on, no matter what.

[Not Alone]

And also celebration for believing I am worth not giving up on, no matter what.

This is really difficult, time-consuming, tiring work. Glad you found a therapist who can walk with you on this part of your journey.

[Jazzy]

Yes, healing is a very difficult journey, and it's understandable to get tired sometimes. It sounds like you're doing great at seeing the positives despite all the challenges, which is great. I think that is a crucial part of the healing process, and I'm very happy for you. I'm sure you've come a long way, maybe it would help to compare to how things used to be, so you can see how much they've improved.

Keep up the good work, and don't be afraid to rest now and again!