Allie's Archives: a recovery journal

[Hope67]

Hi Alliematt,
Belated Congratulations on finishing a novel, that is really great. 

Sending you condolences on the death of the husband of your former praise team leader, and I hope that you are able to do what you want to do. 
Hope

[alliematt]

Checking in because it has not been a pleasant day in my country. I will give myself credit for ignoring the main event and not falling apart. I had a nice chat with my writers' online group and I finished proofreading for pay!

Tonight will be unpleasant outside because it's cold, but I have an electric blanket so that will help.

     

[alliematt]

Sheesh! after all the agonizing I did about the funeral, I ended up NOT going. My husband said he was "feeling strange" this morning and I was worried about him. The funeral was 45 minutes away and I didn't want to be in a position to have to make a long drive home IF something was going on.

Part of me feels like I was looking for an excuse not to go and that I ended up chickening out. And then part of me thinks that if I had gone, I would have worried the entire time. This is one of those decisions that no matter what you do, you might wish you'd done something else.

[Chart]

In the end you made the decision to do what was in your best interests (which includes the people close to you that you care about). I think you made the right decision.
 

[alliematt]

In the end you made the decision to do what was in your best interests (which includes the people close to you that you care about). I think you made the right decision.
 

I appreciate that. This morning I asked my husband if he'd had any shots at his doc's visit. When he told me "shingles," that's when I figured out what happened. Many people get wiped out the day after a shingles shot. Same thing happened to me when I got my shingles shot.

[alliematt]

(possible TW: mention of tragedy, some politics)

Woke to tragic news of a plane crash this morning; there are around 60 dead near our nation's capital.
This is on top of more developments on the political front that are NOT pleasing to me.
What do you do when you just want out but there is no place to go to and your spouse doesn't see the need and your son might be affected??? I know I'm just screaming here and I don't expect an immediate answer.

[Chart]

I have an answer, but you know it already and I'm a little hypocritical saying it as I don't manage too well to do it either: All we can do is change how we see and feel about the things around us... I can't change the world, but I can try and do things for myself that will help me change how I react and feel about the world around me... Sorry, that probably doesn't help all that much. I've pretty much turned to ignoring the media and just focusing on my healing and people in my life. It's the best I can do at this point point of my life. Sending hugs and support.
 

[alliematt]

Just want to sit and cry right now.

I withdrew part of my IRA to pay off student loans and I may make another withdrawal to pay them off entirely. (We have paid off credit card debt!) And my son just had a birthday. None of that makes me want to cry. But I'm just not happy with things right now. And there seems to be nothing I can do.

[alliematt]

In the good: The student loans are PAID OFF    and as of next week, I will
no longer be proofreading.    I'm tired, burned out, and I need a break.

In the bad: I am very sad. A couple I know is leaving our church. They are going to where most of their family goes so it makes sense, but it makes me think, why make church friends if they're just going to leave?

:possible trigger for religious language:

I can't figure out gender roles in the Bible. Everyone has an answer. Everyone believes they are right and everyone can prove they're right by Scripture. I am afraid of getting it wrong and going to *. I am afraid of confiding in my BFF because I don't want to get challenged or rebuked or anything like that. We disagree on the gender roles issue and I constantly tiptoe around it because I don't want to get into a fight. I think she would be perfectly happy if I moved to her hometown and got rebaptized and attended her church and gave up on gender issues and accepted that women can't preach and women can't teach where men are present. Why do penises and testicles get priority over ovaries, Fallopian tubes, and vaginas?

Current events here are frightening. I am scared and I feel helpless. I can't figure things out. I don't know who is lying and who is telling the truth. PEOPLE CAN AND DO LIE!

[Chart]

 

[alliematt]

Some good news: Last Saturday I finished my VERY LAST PROOFING JOB! Since my loan debt is paid off, I don't have the need for the job anymore. So I gave my notice and I'm taking a break from paid work.