AlterEg0's Journal

[Not Alone]

I wish you the best in your new job.

[Alter-eg0]

Guys, i'm stressed AF.

This year, I was appointed to organize an excursion to the zoo with all our first year students. I've never done this before in this context, so I worked together with a colleague who had.
Three weeks ago, she told me to ask the person who makes the timetables for a list of names of all the colleagues who would be available that day, so that I could appoint supervisors who would be joining us on the day. I needed 13 people (the zoo asks we bring 1 teacher per 10 students), but because there was another excursion on the same day, there weren't many people to choose from.
Anywho, I asked and received the list and shared it with my other colleague who was organizing the other excursion, so that we could divide the supervisors amongst us. She offered to take the list from me, make the cut herself and send it straight to the timetable person. I agreed, assuming it would be finished a.s.a.p. so that I could start informing my people.
A week later, I noticed that there were still no changes in the timetable, so I asked about it. I was told that my colleague hadn't turned anything in yet, so I went to ask her about it. She told me she was almost done, and would send it later that day. Which she didn't.
Over the course of the past two weeks, i'd been getting more and more stressed about it, because the date of the excursion was getting closer and closer, and I still had no supervisors to inform. I emailed her and spoke to her numerous times over those two weeks, and she kept saying that she was nearly done but had to make changes due to people cancelling, and that she'd send it later that day. Which never happened.
Last week, I was away on camp with out second years. After emailing back and forth with her again, this sunday she eventually said she'd have it done by the end of the day and send it to me. But on monday morning, I still hadn't received anything. So whilst I was out on the football field, supervising the school sports day, I sent her yet another message to say that we really, really had to get it done NOW, otherwise the excursions might just fall apart.
When I got back to school, I found her in the hallway and we agreed to sit down and figure it out. She just had to talk to a student first, and she'd be out in 15 minutes. I agreed to wait for her in the teachers lounge, but after 45 minutes she still wasn't there. I was about to get up to find her, when she came in.

Anywho, we made the cut and figured it out, then I immediately communicated with the timetable maker and emailed all the chosen supervisors the details.
And that's when the emails starting coming in with cancellations, colleagues who already had other appointments that day, emails from colleagues who wanted to switch groups, people who were annoyed that this hadn't been communicated sooner, etc. And obviously, I agree with them. I wanted to have this done weeks ago, but I'd been waiting for the necessary info for weeks.

By the time evening came around, I was three people short due to cancellations, and I was really worried that I'd show up to school on Wednesday and have to cancel the whole thing for the lack of supervisors. And even more scared that i'd have to answer for it, because technically, I was the one responsible. And not only that, but I had a bunch of colleagues who were irritated with me for my late communication, and I didn't know what to explain it to them without throwing my colleague under the bus.

So, in a bit of a panic, I eventually contacted one of the principles and explained the situation. I told him that I was worried about the excursion flopping, about all the cancellations, and about the situation that lead up to it, including the fact that my colleague had failed to keep her word on numerous occasions. I also made sure to mention that I wasn't trying to sh*t talk my colleague, I know she's busy and does her best as well (it wasn't lazy or malicious, she's just chaotic), but that I wasn't happy about the way this had gone.

He got back to me pretty quickly to help me figure out the supervisor situation, but he also cc-ed the email to this colleague. So I panicked even more, because I imagined her reading it and being really pissed with me for throwing her under the bus. I probably should have spoken to her about my concerns sooner instead of waiting too long and directly taking it up with the principle, but I didn't. Partly because I felt uncomfortable doing so along the way, and partly because it was already too late and I wouldn't be seeing her anymore before the excursion date. I needed to do something, fast.

The supervisor issue is now resolved, but i'm immensely stressed about coming back to school and facing my colleague(s). I'm not too worried about explaining the situation to the people who were annoyed about the timing, as it wasn't my fault. But I'm worried that that particular colleague is going to be angry with me, and that possibly a few others in our department might be as well.

I'm already tired and stressed, and I can't wait until the summer holidays. But now all I want to do is run away and get out of there asap.

[Armee]

I'm so sorry. That is super stressful. You did the right thing though, letting the principal know in a quiet way. You weren't in control of how he responded though. That and the fall out is out of your hands other than just continuing to be kind and explaining why you needed to bring this to his attention. Trust yourself. You did the right thing. That's all you can do. How others react you cannot control.

[Alter-eg0]

Hi all,

It's been so long! I've been meaning to write, but life has been incredibly hectic and busy in so many ways.
A lot has happened since the last time I posted, positive developments for the most part.

I was just reading back what I last wrote, and was reminded of how I felt at the time. Being in the middle of that level of stress, and being in survival mode almost all the time, I was aware that I was stressed and unhappy but I didn't even feel the full extent of it. When I think back to that time now, I wonder how I got through it at all. It certainly wasn't sustainable or healthy, and I wouldn't have lasted there much longer (even though I'm sure I would have, hadn't I found something better).

My current job is so much better. I work at a different school, slightly bigger but better organized. It's a higher level, so I can teach more in depth rather than just trying to deal with behavioral issues all day. Of course there's always some issues, but I don't feel unsafe in the classroom anymore. I don't have to waste all of my energy on futilities like kids purposely stealing or breaking my materials, tearing down the classroom, starting fistfights, ignoring/bullying me (and each other), etc. At my previous job, every minute was about surviving. Every class and virtually every student, was something I had to 'face' and 'get through'.
At my current job, most classes are neutral and have fun, good or satisfying moments. There's the occasional rough one, like a class/student that I struggle with or a lesson that doesn't go as planned, but that may be one class out of the ten classes I teach. Or one or two lessons out of the whole week. Whereas it used to be every class, every hour, every lesson. So the balance has shifted a great deal. I can do my job so much better this way, and even enjoy it (or at least feel neutral about it) most of the time.

The main stressor with my current job, is workload vs. time. So much work, so little time. We all know that teachers are stretched thin, and this school is no exception. But the thing is, i'd rather be stressed over a heavy workload (and know that I can do what needs to be done, even if it does cost a lot of time and energy), than deal with the tremendous workload combined with the emotional stressors of feeling unsafe and being treated like dirt all day, and never getting any satisfaction or pay-off. If time is my biggest issue, it's not ideal, but it's still miles better than what I had before.

Aside from work, the other big life change: my boyfriend and I have moved in together.
It's so strange to think that a little over a year ago, I was headed towards becoming a single mom, at the top of the waiting list for a donor, and convinced that I could never have a healthy relationship (nor did I want one). And then I met someone who I only intended to have some fun with, and he turned out to be the love of my life.
It happened so quickly, but it wasn't hurried. We took our time and took it step by step, but things just progressed so naturally and steadily that everything developed so much faster than I could have imagined. We first hooked up in November of 2022, casually. By January, I realized I was in love. By April, we made things official. And in oktober, I proposed he move in with me, and in November 2023, that's what we did.
I love this man to the ends of the earth, he's my favourite person on the planet and I love him more every day. Never have I met anyone who makes me feel so comfortable and safe, I can be myself completely with him, and he does the same with me. He's such a genuine person, so grounded, open minded and honest. At the same time, he knows how to tease me and keep me on my toes, we have so much fun together and he always knows how to make me laugh with the most unexpected weirdness. He supports and takes care of me, without coddling me or taking away from my autonomy. I trust him completely, which is something i've never experienced before. I never knew I was capable of loving like this and having a healthy relationship, but he's proven me wrong. Turns out, it helps to have the right partner, haha. Who would've thought.
In the beginning, being in a healthy relationship often triggered me. For example, if he was "too quiet", i'd be reminded of all the times in the past that i've had the silent treatment, and so I'd immidiately start wondering what was wrong and feeling all that dread come rushing back. But along the way, with my boyfriend being who his is, being so mature, genuine and consistent, I quickly collected good experiences to counter that, and learned to trust him. Now, whenever those triggers arise and I start thinking doom-scenario's, all I have to think is: "Hang on, this is Nick we're talking about."

And sometimes, it would be the good stuff that triggered me, because i'd suddenly discover that I dealt with so much cr*p for so many years, and it turns out, that's not "just the way it is". I'd feel bad for younger me, and the fact that she never knew that love could feel good.

Obviously i'm not magically 'healed'. But being in a healthy relationship is a healing experience in itself, and a good place to work through things and grow.
And having a better job, closer to home, with a consistent income and without the insane emotional toll, also does wonders for my mental health.
So I would say i'm doing a lot better than I was, that's for sure!

Anyway, i'm going to go and put dinner on, as Nick will be home in a bit (and the first one home, does the cooking, haha).
I hope you all are well.

[Armee]

  

Fantastic! So so happy for you! 

[Alter-eg0]

Hello all,

It's been a while, once again. So much has happened in the mean time!

Generally speaking, i'm doing pretty well. I'm still struggling with a lot of exhaustion and a few specific triggers, but i'm less on edge and less depressed than I felt in past years. The job change made a huge difference, along with the support of my boyfriend.

I do still consider getting some kind of professional help again, although I'm not really sure what kind at this point. It's hard to pinpoint what would actually be helpful for the things that I still struggle with, especially given everything i've already tried. The thing that currently bothers me most, aside from my lack of energy and my general 'greyness' in day to day life, are a few specific triggers that happen to be very common in my line of work and also rear up in my relationship.
It's mainly when I feel like i'm going to be caught out when I have made a mistake or could be percieved as doing something wrong. The other situation that somtimes pops up in my relationship is when I try to voice something that I want/need and do it in an awkward way because sometimes that's the only way I can get myself to do it (work around the anxiety), but when I do that and I'm called out or teased a little (with the best of intentions) about the way i'm doing it, or when my partner tries to challenge me to actually speak up, I feel really frustrated with myself and I shut down. And then I get scared that my partner will eventually get so fed up with me and with that, that he'll eventually leave if I don't show enough growth.
Don't get me wrong, I have an amazing, supportive partner, but sometimes a healthy relationship can be even more triggering than a dysfunctional one.

What else is new?
Well, I got prengant in april, and subsequently had a miscarriage. That was hard, even though it was early. I've wanted kids for as long as I can remember, and I was really happy to start that adventure. I dealth with it pretty well, i'd say, but sometimes it's still hard when I see all these people around me getting pregnant and having families. That makes me sad, but I don't want to rain on anyones parade by talking about it.

Furthermore, I was offered permanent employment at the school i'm working at, which is great. That gives me a lot more security for the years to come!

Anyway, i've got to run.

[Armee]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've had an early miscarriage in the past. It is a huge grief but often one we don't feel entitled to mourn.

All the struggles you are feeling right now sound like perfect material for working on in therapy and I do personally myself regret not healing things before I became a parent.

Congrats on the permanent job offer at your school. 

[Alter-eg0]

I'm having a hard time at the moment.

At the beginning of summer break, I found out that I was pregnant again. I was really happy about that, and especially glad that we managed that so quickly after my previous loss.
Things were different this time, more symptoms, nausea, exhaustions, my bra's no longer fit, etc. I was really nervous considering my previous loss, but after we'd passed the point that it went wrong last time, I felt a bit more confident. Things seemed to be going well, and at 7+5 (last week) we were booked in for an 8 week medical ultrasound. They don't usually do early scans around here or overly medicalize pregnancy the way they do in some places, but I got one given my history.

I was really nervous on the day of the scan. The second the image popped up, I was told: "This is not an 8 week baby". She explained what she was seeing (large gestational sac, but the embryo only measuring 6+1 and with no heartbeat) and told me that I was experiencing a missed miscarriage. She assured me that clearly, I could get pregnant and things were going to be ok, but that it just really sucks that this is the second loss in a row. My risk of miscarriage is higher given my age, I know that, but it doesn't make it better. She went through the next steps with me (primarily, waiting until next week to see if anything happens on its own, and then we'll see what to do next if necessary). I asked if I could still have a picture, which she gave me. We left the room in silence and when I got home, the tears came. I was so hopeful about this one. And the worst part is the waiting game right now. Feeling pregnancy, medically still being pregnant, but knowing that nothing positive is going to come out of it. That makes the nausea and exhaustion a lot harder to handle. And also, the fact that life just goes on while I don't know what's going to happen and when. Will the miscarriage start on its own? When? How will my body deal with it this time? And if it doesn't, what route am I going to take, and what's that going to be like?

Ideally, I'd like to let my body do the work. Least risk of complications, and emotionally easier to process, I think. But on the other hand, walking around with a dead baby inside me for an unknown amount of time ain't great either. And not knowing when it's going to happen can be tricky when you're still out living life, working, etc. However, the options for medication or D&C have their drawbacks and possible complications, too. I'm trying to just go with the flow here, but it's not easy. Plus, i'd like to try again as soon as possible (i'm not getting any younger..), and waiting it out feels like wasting valuable time.

For one thing, i'm really glad that I have my partner by my side throughout this. To think that a few years ago, before we met, I was on a waiting list for a donor and I would have been going through this on my own. At least now, i'm not in this alone.

So yeah, that's what's going on in my life right now. And it sucks.

[Hope67]

Hi Alter-Eg0,
I am so sorry that you are going through this, it must be really such a lot to cope with.  I am glad you have your partner by your side throughout this, but I would like to send you a supportive hug and wish you the strength you need     I know you hope that your body will do the work, and whatever happens, I hope that the people supporting you through this will be kind and supportive.

Hope

[Armee]

I'm so sorry for your loss and all the uncertainty. 

It does suck and is very sad. 

[rainydiary]

I am thinking of you during this time. 

[Alter-eg0]

Well, well, well...what a crazy few months it has been.

For starters, the missed miscarriage I had in july/august, did not resolve itself. Since it was nearing the end of the summer holidays and I knew that I had a week-long school camping trip coming up (i'm a teacher), I had to make a decision. I didn't like the idea of walking around with a dead baby inside me and not knowing what would happen, not to mention the risk of infection or the risk that certain structures continue to grow (the placenta for example), meaning that the longer I waited, the worse the experience would be.
Not knowing when my body would potentially resolve it, was also really unpractical with the work trip coming up. I had trouble even leaving the house, not knowing if I was about to start bleeding profusely. So I went back to the gynecologist, and opted for the medication to bring on the miscarriage.
It was an awful experience that involved a lot of pain, I spent the day in a fetal position on my bed, on a towel, only moving to throw up. Two days later, the bleeding had not stopped and I felt like the tissue that had come out couldn't be all. So I went back to the gynecologist and she did an ultrasound to check. The result was inconclusive, but thankfully she didn't see the point of me taking another round of medication. I didn't want to go through that again. So I had to wait and see, for three weeks.

Three weeks later, still bleeding albeit a little, and still seeing faint positives on my pregnancy tests, I already knew what the verdict would be. She made another ultrasound and concluded that the miscarriage was incomplete and i'd need surgery. So I had to be put on the waiting list in hopes of getting a spot within 2 weeks and hope I didn't get an infection in the mean time.

Meanwhile, school had started. This year, i'm a mentor of a group of first-years (11-12 year olds), and I just so turned out to have the most tumultuous class there is this year. A lot of drama, a student with problems including severe trauma (resulting in outbursts of rage), two students who are being abused at home, a student whose mother has terminal cancer, a handful of kids who have lost a parent, a couple of parents who are very entitled and blame the school for everything, and a bunch of other stuff going on. This obviously influences the group dynamic, and it was not good. My co-mentor and I are working our asses off to turn this around and make sure everyone gets what they need, whilst barely having enough time left to actually teach/work. It has been insane, stressful, triggering, I am doing slightly better with it now but i've had days where I just wanted to throw in the towel and call in sick for a very long time. Thankfully I have supervisors and such to talk to, and they have been somewhat understanding and helpful as far as possible. But it's a massive drain on my already low energy.

About three weeks after school started, amidst all the chaos, I had to get surgery. So I was out for a week and had a lot to catch up on when I returned.
The surgery went well, they removed the retained tissue and I finally stopped bleeding nine days later. In total, I had been losing blood for over 1.5 months throughout this whole drawn out process.

Two weeks later, I ovulated again, and by some miracle I immediately fell pregnant again. You see, I have absolutely no issue getting pregnant. It's staying pregnant that is the issue. I tested positive on my birthday. A week later, at my grandfathers 90th birthday party, I started bleeding again. Very yearly miscarriage this time. The third miscarriage this year. It was over before it even began.

I was referred to see another gynecologist to see if we could figure out what's causing this. Following protocol, she ran some bloodwork (thyroid etc) and booked in an ultrasound to check for structural abnormalities, which I already was quite sure I didn't have. I am now also allowed to get genetic testing done on me and my partner, but we're still deciding whether we want this, as it's expensive and it won't necessarily give us anything useful (good chance the outcome will just be: oh yeah, you have an increased chance of miscarriage...which, well, thank you captain obvious). I also have a SIS ultrasound booked for in a month.

However.....I'm pregnant again. Yes, again. I got my first faint positive this weekend, and although my mind keeps running through past events and assuming this will be the same, I have to remain hopeful. Apparently, at my age and with three repeated miscarriages, my chances are still 75% that this time it will be ok. I have to believe that, and just be patient and wait and see what happens.


Then another thing. My Narc father who I have not spoken to in five years, tried to contact me this week.
Here's what happened. In the same week that I went to the hospital, I found out that my father had been publishing personal information about me in some articles on his website (he runs a personal coaching/training company). For example, he was writing about the benefits of the methods he uses, and used my personal story (or rather, his version thereof) to promote it. He wrote that I had been SA'd as a child, and developed an eating disorder because of that. And that a coach who uses the same methods as him, ultimately saved me. Here's the thing, I was indeed SA'd, but that was not the cause of my ED, nor my depression and all that jazz. He points to that, because then he doesn't have to look at his own part in the problems I developed. So there's some truth in it, but it's his version of events. And what's more: what on earth is he doing, publishing my private information online without my consent?? With marketing purposes, no less. So, at first I had my brother ask him to remove it, because I wanted to maintain no contact. It didn't work. He removed some, but not all, so I was forced to contact him myself. I did so via my business account and kept the email very distant and factual, pointing mainly to the legal aspect of it and demanding he remove it all in accordance with the privacy laws that we have in place.

He ended up not really removing it, but changing the words "my daughter"  to "a young lady I know". Then he proceeded to email me back that he loved me so much and was sorry if he'd done my any injustice. Excuse me?? If???
Then, a few weeks later...I got another email from him, telling me that he wanted to talk. He sent me a bunch of links to people he had been talking to and bits of training he'd been teaching (almost as though he was advertising or something, or trying to convince me how hard he'd worked on himself). He proceeded to say that he held no grudge against me, that he chooses to see everything from love and that if I hold a grudge, that's all I will see. He also said that he thinks we should leave the past in the past.
Uhhhh...what?? You have me PTSD and you want me to leave the past in the past? Don't make me laught.

I wanted to ghost him. But then I thought, you know what? No. I never verbally told you that i'd broken the contact for good. And I want to have it stated clearly, black on white, and I want to tell you exactly why once and for all. And THEN cut you off completely.
So that's what I did. I formulated an excellent email, if I may say so myself, politically correct but still very clear. I told him that I do not share his view on the matter, that I don't want any contact with him and that this is the result of his behaviour and the effect it has on me. That I have him as many chances as I could, and set so many boundaries, only to have them crossed. The relationship brought me more pain than love or anything else, and I'm no longer willing to put myself in that position. I'm not holding a grudge, i'm just finally chosing my own health and wellbeing. I told him not to respond, not to contact me again (unless someone is dead or dying), and that I wish him well. Full stop.
Proud of myself for that one, it felt good to do.


In the mean time, work goes on, and same goes for the renovations of the house my partner bought three years ago. Things are finally taking shape there, we just put a constructive floor in last week and now we can start building things up.

So yeah, lots going on and it's been rough.