What do you call your abusive "parents"

[Pilgrim]

Hi

This is something I struggle with daily - what name do I give to "my parents" who caused my CPTSD (childhood development)? I mean in the context of talking with people eg what do your parents do/live/are they alive etc. "Parent" infers, to me, caring etc so I feel I am still (many decades later) under control when I use the term. I thought about "biological parents" but then that suggests I was either adopted or brought up in care.  I was "raised" in the same house until adulthood by the 2 people who created me. Even "mother" and "father" is still too suggestive of a degree of caring but it's my default term - when people refer to them as my "mum" or "dad" I just stand there silently thinking just how far from the norm and truth that feels. I can't imagine referring to them by their names - that gives me the total creeps.

What do others use?

Thanks.

Pilgrim

[woodsgnome]

First, I just hope it never arises. If it does, I try to minimize it just by using f or m to establish their roles. I also can't abide using their given names. I remember one other person on this forum who used the term "dna donors" if something needed to be expressed about their status in one's life.

For me, if I can't avoid the topic wholly, I just never use the names, explaining it's too painful. Of course there are bunches of people who don't get this, but I decided for my own sanity I could only use the f or m as reference points.

I have come to not recognize them as family. I enjoy the concept and am envious of those who can feel at home with the idea, but I also know my limits in this regard. It hurts, of course; but I choose not to make it worse.

[Pilgrim]

Thanks Woodsgnome.

Unfortunately I am still in contact with my FOO and, while my friends know I have CPTSD, they don't connect it to my f or m (I like your abbreviations). So I have the facade of pretending that my young life was normal in a "family" sense and abnormal outwith it. It was, in reality, both. The "DNA donors" made me smile - thanks for that. Perhaps I need to have the courage to tell my friends the truth but this awful disorder leaves me feeling obligated to play along/not say anything - just how it was when I was a child. Like you, I don't recognise my FOO as my family. I have my own and we do love one another. I feel guilty that their love for me cannot eradicate the past - I feel I am letting them down and they genuinely care and love me. And I them.

Cheers

Pilgrim

[Three Roses]

Several years (decades) ago, the term "the 'rents" came into use. Male rent, female rent? The 'Rents?

I tend to think of mother and father as generic terms (father of psychology, mother of radiation, etc) but nicknames like mom/mommy and dad/daddy are the ones that ellicit the unpleasant emotional responses for me.

[Bermuda]

I realise this is a very old post, but I think I much feel the same as Three Roses. I think of mother and father as very biological terms. In fact, I referred to them in that way as a child albeit a punishable offense. Pet-names for biological parents are very cringy to me. Even with my child, I have him refer to me as a different pet name than my parents would have preferred to be called.

So, I suppose how I feel directly relates to my personal abusive history. It is an interesting reflection.

[CactusFlower]

I loved my Mom, so she was Mom. Back then, he was Dad, but as an adult, I call him the Male Parental Unit (MPU). I don't think his actions give him the right to be called a Dad, daddy, or even Father. He doesn't deserve that kind of respect and to me, those terms mean someone who should love and support you. In therapy, I refer to him by his first name, but that's just for convenience.
Sage

[int101]

what name do I give to "my parents" who caused my CPTSD (childhood development)?

In my talk group they are generally referred to as, unsafe parents, people from the dark side, difficult parents, narcissists, toxic people or dysfunctional home.