Excessive guilt about resting and sleeping

[smindia1981]

Hello everyone
Looking for some insight here.
Ever since realising I have CPTSD,  some other physical issues have become more prominent.
I always have been eager to get up early. It's not just society or social media pressure alone, though it may have a hand in it. It's as if, for some reason I don't wake up atleast an hour or two before everyone else in the house, I am a failure.  As if my whole day is going to like crap. That whatever I do then is worthless as I started the day wrong and there is no coming back from it.
It didn't matter, whether I slept well,  if I was sick, or whether there was screaming and shouting and the accompanying beating going on to keep me and my siblings awake and afraid till late at night.
Also I don't allow myself rest. Like if I have work to do or chores to do, it's as if I pile up even more on my plate. I feel immense amount of guilt and shame when it comes to resting,  sleeping and taking care of myself.
I set an alarm for 4 or 5 am knowing well enough I have a small baby who doesn't sleep through the night and my body aches and I have such a terrible headache and yet I will trybto wake up
God forbid, if I am unable to, then I am so piley and cranky and angry that everyone around wants to just stay far away.
I am trying to change but it's hard. I have and want to do a lot, but I understand now that without adequate rest, nothing works out.
If anyone has any idea or thoughts or understanding about the why behind this behaviour,  please do share.
I feel when I hear from other people and their experiences and their reasoning,  it helps me understand my shortcomings and how to deal with them better.
Thanking in advance to everyone who stopped to read this and anyone who replied.
🙏

[Not Alone]

It sounds so difficult to not get rest, especially with a baby. The question that came to my mind is "Where did you get the message that it is bad for you to sleep/rest?" Could this be a form of self-harm for you? A complex issue with no easy answers.

[rainydiary]

smindia, I appreciate you sharing your story.  I feel a lot of guilt and shame about sleep and rest as well. 

Growing up, I got mixed signals about sleeping and rest.  On the one hand, my parents always prioritized sleeping.  But leisure and relaxing time were punished.  Sleeping isn't the only important type of rest.

I notice that when I start to feel relaxed, I often experience a great deal of anxiety.  I often catch myself holding my body so rigid.  I think the work I've been doing is noticing what helps my body feel relaxed.

I'm still navigating this.  I often wake up very early feeling anxious even if I slept well.  It is a huge process. 

[smindia1981]

It sounds so difficult to not get rest, especially with a baby. The question that came to my mind is "Where did you get the message that it is bad for you to sleep/rest?" Could this be a form of self-harm for you? A complex issue with no easy answers.

@notalone,  thank you for your empathy.
Good question that you asked. And yes, upon lots of self reflection I do agree that it might be a form of self harm.
Because self care was completely ignored growing up. Any attempt at protecting self esteem too was eroded and destroyed.
Like as if until and unless I am working myself to death, I am just worthless and unworthy of love.
Thank you for taking time to read and reply back.
I am glad to have found this community.
 

[smindia1981]

smindia, I appreciate you sharing your story.  I feel a lot of guilt and shame about sleep and rest as well. 

Growing up, I got mixed signals about sleeping and rest.  On the one hand, my parents always prioritized sleeping.  But leisure and relaxing time were punished.  Sleeping isn't the only important type of rest.

I notice that when I start to feel relaxed, I often experience a great deal of anxiety.  I often catch myself holding my body so rigid.  I think the work I've been doing is noticing what helps my body feel relaxed.

I'm still navigating this.  I often wake up very early feeling anxious even if I slept well.  It is a huge process.

@rainydiary, thank you for your kindness.
I also feel a lot of anxiety and stress when it comes to rest and sleep. And it gets worse when I get good sleep. As if I want to punish myself for taking rest.
I have also found myself being angry, resentful and bitter when I need rest or sleep or even other forms of self care.
It is a huge process.
Growing up now in hindsight,  me and my siblings just got the worst combination possible it seems.
An alcoholic and addicted father who was cruel, narcissistic and abusive physically and emotionally.
A mother who was a narcissistic and probably bipolar who went to great lengths to destroy feminity of her daughters and emasculated her son. She rejoiced in constantly lamenting her fate for having such kids.
Somewhere my desire to be perfect stems from this. Inability to trust that drives me to isolation.
But I am glad I found this place.
Because I feel, I have trust issues and one and one therapy might be difficult for me , even if I could afford it.
But in a public forum where I can listen to more people who share similar or even different trauma, helps me manage mine better.
Thank you for reading and reverting back.

[rainydiary]

smindia, I appreciate you sharing your story and being a part of the community here.  I continue to learn how everything is connected.  I am find that as I heal and grow, things like relaxing become a bit easier.  Not always, but I think it is a general trend toward experiencing the world in a different way.

Your comments about trust resonate with me.  I struggle with trust, especially of myself.  I am still at a point where I am exploring and learning to trust myself, love myself, care for myself. 

[smindia1981]

smindia, I appreciate you sharing your story and being a part of the community here.  I continue to learn how everything is connected.  I am find that as I heal and grow, things like relaxing become a bit easier.  Not always, but I think it is a general trend toward experiencing the world in a different way.

Your comments about trust resonate with me.  I struggle with trust, especially of myself.  I am still at a point where I am exploring and learning to trust myself, love myself, care for myself.

@rainydiary, it makes me feel not so alone when I read about your struggles. You put it well when you said experience the world in a different way.
Like you I am struggling but getting better at trusting, loving and taking care of myself.
Just today was day of exploration and discovery as I was thinking about how much damage my parents did to me.
But I also feel, that I owe it to myself to heal.
Thank you for sharing and reading and replying back.
It helps me get better a little bit each time.
🙏