Over-feeling (possible TW: behaviour?)

[Jazzy]

Preface: I haven't got this figured out yet, but it's something I've been thinking about lately. So, this post may be long/rambly and somewhat disjointed. I will continue to think and work through the topic until I'm more comfortable with it, but I want to write something out, as I find it helpful, and hearing what you all think on the subject would be nice too. I'm not sure what sub-category this would best fit under, so I put it under "Other", although I believe it is just as important as any other "major" symptom.



So, something I think that most people fail to understand is "over-feeling". Maybe it's just me who over-feels (though, I don't believe that), but it's something I almost never see talked about. I think it is important for people (especially professionals) to understand this reality though, and it will be very helpful with us on our healing journeys when they do.

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As an example: My ex-wife worked in the education system with children who struggle with things like autism and other mental difficulties. They have a system in place for the kids to try to identify and share what kind of feelings they are having. One of the options is called "glass man", which is when they are having a big reaction to a minor situation. After this has been identified, they have a variety of tools to try to help.

This is so horrible to me. I don't believe they are over-reacting (acting disproportional to their feelings), but over-feeling, and acting appropriately as to how they feel. In other words, it is not a behavioural problem, but an emotional problem. Focusing on the behaviour like this sends the message that feelings are not important/wrong, and should be ignored/contained/kept to themselves and the kids need to just act more like they're "supposed to". I think this completely ignores the problem, which results in making it worse. Hopefully, if people had more of an understanding about what it is really like to "over-feel", there would be better systems in place that actually help with the root of the problem.

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As a kid, I certainly over-felt a lot, and as a NATURAL RESULT had these kind of big reactions. I could have really benefited from some therapy, or something... but I got the opposite. As an adult now, especially with CPTSD, I still over-feel a lot. I think we all do. Some things are a big life change, like when I lost my "good" job. Sure, that's a difficult thing, and it takes some processing, but it was traumatic for me, it destroyed me for quite a while, and it "shouldn't have been that bad". But even small things, like reaching the end of a TV series on Netflix, makes me really sad. It's like a part of my life is now over, something is missing.

I said in a different post that I believe it will be a big help if we can learn to see things more positively. For example, the end of a TV series allows me to find a new one that I haven't even begun yet, and just imagine all the excitement and drama and adventure yet to come, instead of being sad that the old one is now over. Now, I'm not ignorant, I know its not just a simple matter of focusing on the good over the bad for us. I think a big thing that gets in the way of that, is this over-feeling, where it feels like "part of my life is over/missing", not "end of a TV series".

And I mean, it's complicated... there's not an easy answer to this, but maybe, if we can learn to feel "more appropriately", then our (re)actions will be more appropriate as a result. My mind immediately jumps to "well, it's okay, childhood is over, you're not being traumatized anymore", but honestly, that's not true. We have EFs, and things in life are still traumatizing, "whether they should be or not". It seems like a catch-22. We feel/react stronger because of what we've been through, which reinforces our stronger feelings/reactions in new situations.

So, I guess the big question is how to break that cycle (this always seems to be the big question). Aaaand... I don't know the answer. It's probably unique to each of us, like what got us in this mess in the first place.

Anyway, I think I'm all typed out for now. What does everyone else think on this topic?

[rainydiary]

This post resonates with several parts of me. 

One part is when you reference the materials your ex wife used with students - I am familiar with those too and have come to learn from autistic adults and other people with disabilities that those things are actually quite harmful.  It does suggest to people that their natural instincts and reactions are "wrong" and leads people to mask their true selves.  It is also a misunderstanding of how different peoples' brains function.  I read about a theory today - the transactional model of development.  In this model, social interaction is a driving force for development, because the way we behave affects how people perceive us, which affects how others treat us, which affects how we interpret others, and then drives how we behave. 

I also think I overfeel.  I recently noticed that when I relax, I start to feel increasingly anxious.  I looked online and found that relaxation can produce anxiety.  The theories I read about are that individuals may work (not necessarily consciously) to maintain a certain level of anxiety or difficult feeling in order to prevent spikes in those feelings that result from the flight/fight/freeze response. 

I have come across a lot of labels that have helped me understand my feelings - CPTSD, Highly Sensitive Person, aspects of my introversion, trauma, etc.  But it is hard to work through the way people responded to me and the way I interpret myself as a result.

[Not Alone]

When you gave the example of feeling really sad when you come to the end of a netflix series, this image came to my mind. There is the ocean. There are large rivers that empty into the ocean. There are streams connected to the big river. There are creeks that go into those streams, etc. Perhaps for some of us, the event that seems like the feelings should be small (creek-size), quickly connect to feelings that are ocean sized. In other words, the sadness about ending a Netflix series stirs up the really big, ocean size feelings of sadness connected to childhood stuff.

Also, who's to say what is too much feeling? You feel what you feel.

[Jazzy]

Yeah, I agree with that, about how social interaction is a driving force in development. My psychiatrist just wants me to spend more time with people, and he seems to think that will make everything work out okay. It's more complicated though, with how I see other people through such a negative filter, both consciously, and sub-consciously. I'm sabotaged before I can even get started. Given the way I was raised, and the horrible things I was taught, there's just no escaping it. I'm sure others have a similar difficulty.

Rainydiary: I'm sorry to hear you struggle with relaxing. That is a difficult thing to deal with. I haven't heard that before about maintaining a base-line anxiety to reduce the impact of a spike. It is logical enough, but I think for me, I'm mostly anxious because I don't feel safe, because I was never safe (and always reminded of this) as a kid. Maybe there's more to it then that, though. I really hope you can learn to relax and get some freedom from the stress/anxiety. I completely agree with your last paragraph.

Notalone: First of all, I'm sorry if I've upset you in any way talking about "too much feeling". I don't mean to judge anyone, or say what they feel is wrong, or anything like that. On this topic, I'm trying to work through what I'm struggling with, myself. For myself, I think I am over-feeling when it has a destructive impact. When I was younger, sometimes I was violent, and that's not good. I put a kid in the hospital when I was only 5 or 6 years old. When I was older and lost my job, I spent 2+ years sitting in my basement, drinking away my savings. That's not good either. Even with the smaller things, my goal is to feel less overwhelmed/consumed by changes in life, and to embrace the positives instead of getting stuck on the negatives. I started out by assuming that would be good for everyone, and they would want the same. That is a mistake on my part, and I apologize. We all need to decide what is best for ourselves.

I really like your imagery. It is so nice to see your writing. I think you're absolutely right too. Maybe it's not the series ending that I'm really so upset about. Maybe its representative, or at least related to other things in the past, but also in the present. Like, maybe if I had more/healthier friendships/relationships, I would feel less upset about "losing" the characters in the show. Maybe if I had more things that helped me feel less depressed, I would feel less concerned that maybe the next show I start watching won't be as good (helpful to me).



I'm not sure why, but I hit a mental block on my initial post, which is why I stopped it when I did. I think that's a good thing though, as I'm happy to read the replies so far.  On top of being excellent points, they confirm something I was thinking, which is that it is a complex issue. There's no simple answer at the end to figure out, or magic bullet to fix it. It is a lot of things interacting with each other, and that's okay.

One thing I think I need to work on, is expanding things in my life which have a positive influence. People are pretty complex, and we require a lot of interaction I believe. Instead of a couple of connections here and there, I need more of a load balanced, redundant network of connections. I'm not very good with imagery, but I'll try to give an example of what that means.

Say that you are designing a city, and you want to have good traffic flow, so that everyone isn't always stuck in a traffic jam all the time. Well, you can't just run a couple of highways through the middle of the city and expect that to work, even if they are rated to handle the volume of traffic you expect the city to have. A lot of smaller roads with many connections are needed, so that traffic can get to where it needs to go in an efficient way. Things like special rules at high volume intersections may be required as well. This helps all the traffic keep flowing, and if something goes wrong with one of the roads, traffic can take a detour with minimal impact.

All my life, I've been very minimalist about the things that really matter (good relationships, self care, healthy entertainment etc). So it was always barely enough, probably not enough, definitely not enough, to be honest... and anything going wrong would be a huge disruption. Hopefully, with more things, each individual one will be less critical, and less problematic if it isn't working as it should. If they're all less critical, hopefully they will invoke less of an emotional reaction (not so overwhelming/destructive) when something does go awry.

Maybe notalone's imagery is better, and I only have a few streams feeding all of the water in to the ocean, and they're all over capacity and flooding in to each other, so any change is scary, because it barely (not really) works as it is, and what if I can't get a new stream dug in time, and what if it's not big enough etc. etc. If I have a lot of little creeks going to more streams in a proper setup, it will all work much better, I think.

I want to say something, the word in my mind is "overconnecting", and I think I've explained it already with the few streams all flooding, but the point I'm trying to make is that if I have more connections, hopefully I will over-connect less, which leads to over-feeling less, leading to over-reacting (or reacting destructively) less.

Anyway, hopefully this makes some sort of sense. It's been a rough day, and I'm doubting my ability to communicate well more than usual right now. Anyway, this is the one dimension I've been focusing on for this problem over the last little while.

[rainydiary]

Jazzy, I resonate with the feelings of doubt about communicating.  We are trying to describe our experiences and it is difficult to put into words things that feel elusive.  I agree that Notalone's imagery is helpful.  I think sometimes words defy what we experience and being able to consider colors, pictures, sounds, textures, etc can be helpful. 

But at the end of the day I am word oriented and appreciate having words to try to describe.  What you are getting at resonates with me and I want to add to the conversation but feel stuck too.  I have been seeking the positive influences too.  For so long I've felt unsafe and sad and broken I would like to allow myself to feel good.  That is hard because I tend to reenact my trauma dynamics in ways that surprises me.  It is trying to reroute the flow so that it doesn't always go straight to floods and my flight/fight. 

I am also trying to embrace what I might feel like is "too much" (or the overs you describe).  I don't want to come from a place of pain but I think that my overs can be a source of light for others.  I am able to speak to students I work with from a place of understanding that I don't think others see.  I still struggle when communicating with other adults but am trying to trust myself. 

[Not Alone]

Notalone: First of all, I'm sorry if I've upset you in any way talking about "too much feeling". I don't mean to judge anyone, or say what they feel is wrong, or anything like that. On this topic, I'm trying to work through what I'm struggling with, myself. For myself, I think I am over-feeling when it has a destructive impact. When I was younger, sometimes I was violent, and that's not good. I put a kid in the hospital when I was only 5 or 6 years old. When I was older and lost my job, I spent 2+ years sitting in my basement, drinking away my savings. That's not good either. Even with the smaller things, my goal is to feel less overwhelmed/consumed by changes in life, and to embrace the positives instead of getting stuck on the negatives. I started out by assuming that would be good for everyone, and they would want the same. That is a mistake on my part, and I apologize. We all need to decide what is best for ourselves.

Jazzy, you didn't upset me at all. I didn't take what you said personally. When you described destructive impact that helped me to understand more where you are coming from.

In you city analogy, are you saying that you want to expand your support network? For example, instead of 2 people you can talk to, have 6 people, instead of 3 healthy self-care habits, have 7 healthy habits, etc. Then if something breaks down, example friend leaves, you have more support in place. Am I understanding or am I off base?

[Jazzy]

Oh, that's good... I was fearing the worst. Yes, you are right that I want to expand my support network so I have more things to rely on if something goes wrong, but I think there is another aspect to it as well. Maybe 2 people/3 habits are not enough to form a sufficient network. That doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with the people or habits, but that it's too much for those few to handle to provide proper support, not just if something goes wrong, but even when everything is "right"... like too many cars trying to use the same road, so it gets congested. The road itself is fine, but the traffic network is not set up (or being used) correctly.

It sounds obvious (especially to me, because I have some training in computer science as a network administrator), but I think the real challenge is believing that I'm worthy of having a bigger network, and that it is actually possible to build and maintain one. And, that's just one aspect of it. Like you said previously, it also ties in to everything/anything relating/triggering things from the past, and how close those things are related (emotionally speaking).

Rainydiary, I'm not sure what to say either. It is nice to have someone with whom things resonate with, but at the same time of course, I wish you, and everyone didn't have to go through the things to get to this place. I agree with what you say here, and I can really relate with it. Hopefully we can all figure out how to handle our emotions well, and be able to use that to help others. Trying to trust yourself and communicating with others makes you sound like a super hero.