Protecting my own self-worth/sense of self

[goblinchild]

I'm trying to learn how to value and protect "who I am on the inside" but honestly I just kind of don't feel like I'm worth protecting?

I've always been in harm's way. A large part of my life is feeling and processing big negative things and having nightmarish mental health symptoms. Mind as well try to protect a sewer rat from germs, you know? I live here. I don't really understand what I'm trying to preserve.

[Armadillo]

The fact that you haven't been protected makes you extra worth protection, Goblin Child. I wish you could see how very worthy you are. But I do know how hard it is to feel that you matter and are worthy.

Maybe you don't yet see what you are trying to preserve but there's this part of you under all you've been through that has so so so much to give and that parts needs to break free. You will be happier and the world will be richer when that happens. And it's so slow, chip by chip. Take your time.

Makes me think of this song I listen to a lot. https://youtu.be/inNBpizpZkE

[bluepalm]

goblinchild I feel for you. Early in my life I felt I had no substance - as if I was just open to all the attacks coming my way and had no defences at all.  There was nothing solid inside me to protect. And no-one outside of me ever made me feel worthy of respect or protection.

Then, as an adult, I entered therapy. As I explored my feelings and what had happened to me I started to feel what I called my 'touchstone' - something solid inside me that was me, that was constant, that was worthy of defence and respect. It took some time but the 'touchstone' grew increasingly solid and that was the start of my sense of who I am, my sense of self-worth.

I could not have done that without the help of a therapist - I was too broken beforehand. Given my experience, I would encourage reaching out for therapeutic help with protecting your self or, if you are in therapy but it is not giving you that, seeking another therapist who can offer you the protection and support to develop as I did. I was very lucky to have that chance to develop a solidity that I had not had a chance to develop as an infant.

In any event, I feel for you. I wish you well. It is worth working at protecting yourself. It makes a crucial difference to how it feels to be alive.
bluepalm

[jamesG.1]

Can be an understandable emotion if you've had so much trauma, but the truth is that you have as much right to exist and feel secure as anyone else on this planet.

It's only the negative pressure of others that can warp that truth so take a long hard look at who did that, why, and how you can begin burning out their influence and making your life your own.

You are not only allowed to be safe and happy, you don't need permission or an excuse to do that. Shake them off.