a myriad of unexplained physical symptoms

[Rogue84]

hey everyone,

i am new here -- i hope it's okay to start a new post so quickly. I wonder if someone can relate.. I feel so sad today and so frustrated with my physical CPTSD symptoms and anxiety response to it.

For over a decade, perhaps even all my life, i have suffered from unexplained physical symptoms and they have always scared me and isolated me, so much. The symptoms seem to 'travel' through my body, so every time it's something new and it takes a long time (and sometimes many hospital visits) to find out, that also this is caused by stress.

Some examples of episodic symptoms:

- My heart constantly kept skipping beats for over 2 weeks. They couldn't find anything. Went away on its own, just comes back occasionally and i now know it's caused by prolonged stress / deep emotions and i try to stay calm and tell myself it will go away again.
- 11 migraine attacks in 14 days. CAT scan came back clear. Resolved itself after a while. Now i am back to once every few months.
- 3 months of severe GI complaints which caused me to be too afraid to eat and i lost a lot of weight. Resolved itself when (after a lot of tests) i convinced myself it was stress and i should be kind to myself. Forcing myself to eat again helped too. It comes back occasionally and now i've learnt to tell myself: 'i know this is scary, but it is explainable and will go away.'
- in 2017, i suddenly could not fall asleep anymore, something in my brain wanted to stay active. For months i only slept 2 hours a night tops. I am now dependent on sleep meds to fall asleep, all though i have been tapering off and only need a small dosage. (yay!  ) I am often afraid when I turn off the light but i try to tell myself i'm safe.
- losing my singing voice almost 4 years ago. ENT couldn't find anything wrong with my vocal chords, stomach research (yikes) didn't show signs of reflux. This never resolved itself, i think it might be muscle tension dysphonia. This kind of broke my heart and is a constant source of fear and grief.

chronic symptoms:

- primary vaginismus and hypertonic pelvic floor muscles. The vaginismus became less severe this year now i am blessed with a sweet and patient boyfriend and this feels like a miracle. But it has caused me to fear intimacy for over 20 years
- tinnitus, started when i was a teenager and is sometimes more severe than other times (stress?)
- constant tense muscles, especially in my shoulder / neck / throat area, so i am in a lot of pain.
- IBS
- migraines

I feel a bit bad about summing it all up here, but i need to get it off my chest. It's been such a lonely struggle. It just is a little much for me at the moment, especially since another episode is happening (persistent after-effects of a migraine attack over 2 weeks ago) and my panic about it is making me so exhausted. I so long for my body to calm down, the symptoms to ease and to learn to trust my body. Hopefully joining this forum and reading more about CPTSD, is going to be the first step towards it.
I am reading Pete Walker's articles and I tried to tell myself 'i am having a flashback' when i got very frightened yesterday and it resulted in me sobbing like a small child, the fear turned into sadness. I don't know what i am flashing back to, but it always comes down to an overwhelming feeling of: i am all alone, i have no control, i am trapped, this will be forever.

Maybe someone can relate somewhat. Part of me hopes not, because I don't want anyone to experience this, but at the same time it would help to not feel so alone.

[OceanStar]

Oh I am sorry you are experiencing all that.

Thank you for your honesty. I can personally relate to so much of what you were describing. You are no alone I  in experiencing multiple physical symptoms.

Just as one sympton goes, another comes.

It's as if parts of our bodies are screaming something is wrong and our brains will not allow us to give it the rest and comfort it needs to recover and when we begin to realise what's going on another part of the body starts the process all over again.

I truly believe we can heal, it may take a long time but I believe we can.

A hug, if that's ok, of support and solidarity for you.

[Blueberry]

Hello Rogue,

I'm sorry you have so many physical symptoms and that you're flashing back to your sad and hurt Little self. May I offer you a gentle, heart-felt    and one for your Little  if it's not too much for either aspect of you?

The first big sign that I was breaking down about 20 years ago were physical symptoms. As soon as I and my GP were semi-successfully getting rid of one symptom or getting it under control at least, the next arrived. (Gastritis that lasted a year, underfunctioning thyroid, tonsillitis semi-permanently. In fact, I had to wear a wool ear-warmer even in sunny summer weather otherwise I immediately went back down with tonsillitis.) I eventually got a diagnosis that is something like "psychosomatic pain" although that's not quite correct, I've forgotten the exact designation. During my first inpatient stay, another patient said to me "ah, physical pain is emotional pain". I think that is correct in my case because intil that point I had completely forgotten that there was such a thing as emotional pain. So some deeply buried part of me was showing me in the only way I could understand that I desperately needed help.

The good news is: the physical pain did begin to recede with psychological treatment and "psychosomatic pain" was eventually even removed from my diagnosis list. Now I sometimes do get a sudden pain or ache but it's very temporary and I'm (usually) not freaked out by it anymore.

As OceanStar says, we can heal. I always find that hard to believe when I'm in the middle of a flashback, but it is true. This forum shows just how many of us continue to make progress step-by-step.

btw, welcome to the forum   It's perfectly fine to start a new post quickly as a new mbr. And yes writing a long post like yours is sometimes the best thing to do to get it off your chest. I hope it made you feel a tiny little bit better and that the forum here can give you some hope. 

[Rogue84]

OceanStar, thank you so much for your kind and understanding reply. Reading it yesterday brought tears to my eyes, i could feel comfort in your words. And a little hope even. I am very sorry that you can relate. a for you too, if that's ok.

Blueberry, you too thanks for your kind and insightful message. I'm sorry you've been through that, that sounds hard ! I am glad you found you're doing so much better after therapy, that is hopeful! I have had a lot of therapy, but none of them seemed adequately focussed on trauma treatment. I hope my future shift towards more body focused therapy will help with that! a for you too, if that's ok.

I am truly moved by both your kind replies, the fact that you took the time to plow through my wordy message and reply. Really appreciated!

[Not Alone]

Rogue84, you are very welcome to post.

I feel sad that you have experienced so many physical symptoms. I have had some of what you experienced; shoulder muscles are continually like rocks and sleep issues, although not as severe as what you experience. I often have headaches and today woke up with a severe one. Our bodies really do hold on to the trauma.

[dreamriver]

Hi Rogue84 - sorry I'm so late to the game, but I wanted to let you know I'm kind of going through your exact same process.

I started getting chronic migraines a little while ago after deciding to go no contact with my family. They'd last 3-4 days and happen every month (around mens.) It feels like my body is unpacking a ton of stuff, and it can be kind of scary. I keep getting worried that I should get screenings and such (or even that it is COVID!), but I remember and realize that this is probably somatization. I wish so much that modern medicine had a better way to deal with this!

I also get neck, shoulder, face, jaw, and chest pain too, from muscle tightness. *Trigger Warning* I also have pain during sex and sometimes feel sick afterward, unable to arouse/climax at all. It is so frustrating.

My heart was also randomly skipping beats a while ago! And tons of fatigue that just felt like a slog to get through.

I also had a small lump in my neck from a lymph node, but then it went away.

Just want you to know someone else is going through it too. In fact reading your message was so validating. I hate that you're going through the same thing as me, but your words of hope in your own situation remind me to continue to have hope in my own: that this is a process of purging and grieving, eventually (hopefully) it will get better soon!

I relate. If you need someone to talk to about this confusing process I'm here. I'm just as confused too 

[dollyvee]

Hey Rogue,

I've learned that my CPTSD might be affecting my gut (and other physical symptoms) through SIBO and the brain-gut axis. Have you seen a functional health practitioner? They might be able to diagnose this for you via a stool/breath test. As I understand, a disregulated gut can affect your vagus nerve and vice versa.

Hope you've found some comfort,
dolly