Elderly parents.

[Mary Ann]

My parents are in their eighties.
About four years ago, I came to it that I couldn't continue seeing them anymore.
My Dad was round at my house, my Mum was home and she'd told my Dad to go round and ask us for tea. I'd refused the invitation many times already at this point , so he'd been sent in person.
I told him I didn't want to go and eat with them, because my mental health was suffering because of how Mum had treated me as a child. I pointed out how abusive she'd been not just to me but all of my siblings and it was better if I didn't see them.
He stood and agreed with me, telling me how unstable she'd been, he seemed to support what I'd said, but if I had a problem I should take it up with her.
He said this, because he didn't expect me to do just that.
We went to their house (they live only a five minutes walk away)
I said the same thing to my Mother, and I was terrified.
She's an old lady sat in a chair, and my heart was absolutely crashing, I was shaking.
I told her how I felt, and I gave her examples of her past behaviour.
She made the excuse that people didn't used to show love in the old days...
She then turned to my Dad and asked him ..did he think she'd been unstable and volatile as I'd said.
Dad have given me the impression he'd back me up with this, but when it came to it he said
'Well.....you were a little bit EMOTIONAL....sometimes....probably because of the menopause'
I felt completely let down, betrayed.
I again said I wanted little to do with them anymore.
She then said 'what about the food we've got for when you and the family come for tea? Will it freeze?'
Over the next few years they kept turning up at my home unexpectedly, phoning repeatedly, telling people in the wider community that I wouldn't let her see my children.
I pointed out that no one had ever apologised or taken responsibility for the past.
I got a begrudging apology, but only because I'd absolutely insisted...I mean really insisted.
My Dad actually blamed my siblings for any abuse I'd experienced.
When I was a teenager, I'd told my parents about an incident where I'd been abused sexually by a relative. I'd only mentioned one incident though there were many. My Dads response had been I should have said something cos it's too late to do anything about it now.
So as an adult, I brought this up, saying they could have done something about my struggles with depression and it had been linked to that.
He denied I'd ever told him about it, insisting that if I HAD told him, he'd have reported it to the police.
Because he hadn't reported it...it means I HADNT told them.
They carried on trying to make contact over the years.
My Mother said 'well....the pasts the past...but I'm very happy with myself now...thank you'
And Dad said stuff like 'well....everything's abuse nowadays, and I had terrible things happen to me....much worse than anything that happened to you but I don't talk about it'
You get the idea.
I was left feeling like it had been my fault as a teenager, I should have said more....
Maybe the incident I told them of wasn't bad enough ...stuff like that.
Finally after several years, my Dad did genuinely say he was sorry, but still it was followed by him saying he had no idea anything ever went on, and he again blamed his other kids.
I also broke contact with my older sister, who'd practically brought me up.
She was an adult when I was born, and abusive in her own right.
I told her I was suffering with my mental health, because of SA I'd experienced as a kid.
She then said...'oh, I thought such and such was like that!  I walked in on him once with you...behaving very inappropriately....he accused me of being paranoid, so I didn't say anything else'
She then listed all the ways her life had been hard, and how she'd suffered.
I tried not to keep in touch but she kept calling and texting, which I ignored.
Finally I had an aggressive text from her.
She said I understand you've been struggling....I've given you time to GET OVER IT and pull yourself together....but I now have to ask...WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM!'
Every now and then I have a text from her still. At Xmas  had a text and she was outside my front door.
No warning, she just appeared...but I was on holiday visiting friends. It freaked me out.
I'm scared of my family. I'm scared every time I tell someone, or write something about them, even anonymously. I'm grieving for the family I thought I had but I've lost.
I'd like some sort of relationship with my Dad, but it's all too scary and difficult because they are all enmeshed with each other.
I suppose I've gone what you'd call low contact.
I wish I was braver, could speak and not be consumed with anxiety.
If I have anything to do with them though, it makes me really ill, the depression/anxiety Si ...it all comes flooding in.
I feel guilty because I did love my Dad, it's not a case of me holding a grudge.
It's more like self preservation.

[Armee]

I can only say how much I relate. To the physical shaking and terror of being around my mom when she was frail and dying. I understood how ridiculous it might seem given her state. And yet the trauma was always mostly psychological and that she could still wield. My T would remind me what my body was doing, which was telling me in no uncertain terms to not have a relationship with her, to get away from her as far and fast as I could. Because I continued to ignore that message it got louder and louder and more damaging. It is about self preservation. You have a right to not have to put yourself through all that again. It is incredibly damaging. I'm sorry you can not have the relationship you want with your dad. He bears a lot of responsibility for what happened to you though, too.

[Kizzie]

It really is about self-preservation Mary Ann. 

I had to make the same choice because it was down to them or me and I chose me, I had to.  I had no other choice or I likely would have had a breakdown.  When it comes down to it, that's what being traumatized is all about, being afraid for your mental or physical self. Your reaction, Armee's and mine speak volumes about this.

I do understand how much of a loss it is and with that comes grief, fear and oftentimes anger. There is also freedom and safety and I hope you will begin to feel that more. They tell your body and inner self stepping away was the best thing to do for you and if you're like me and many here, over time those other feelings ease. 

[1lovecoffee+stars74]

I have worked in care for a while. You wouldn't be the only person who went no contact / low contact with elderly parents.

Just because someone is old it doesn't take back past behaviour, especially if they don't take ownership.

[Kizzie]

   Also wanted to let you know there is some helpful info here: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=14252.0

[Mary Ann]

Thanks....I'll take a look 🙂