I self medicate

[Saluki]

I'm neither ashamed or particularly worried about my self medicating.
I was an IV addict for years and also an alcoholic (it feels weird admitting that as I didn't used to believe I was... even when I was drinking every day, morning to night, for months - because I always fluctuated between alcohol and h in order to "regulate" my addiction). Regulate- yeah, right.
So I came off h by going on a methadone script, which has destroyed my teeth. Can't find a dentist which is awful. My teeth make me very depressed.
Anyway, I came off the methadone, tapered slowly. Found something herbal (not weed: weed is a MASSIVE trigger for me) and I'm addicted to that instead, but without it I wouldn't survive. It's not a problem for me as it's the least of my worries and it is keeping me from disintegrating.
Just when I go through assessments I say I'm not using or drinking. Well, I'm not. But it makes me appear like I'm doing better than I am. There's no way I am interested in stopping self medicating as I can't not. I can't cope with the side effects of the meds I've tried throughout my life. Some made me psychotic. I feel safe self medicating. It's not something I have any interest in stopping. I have chronic pain (fibromyalgia) and the GP refuses to prescribe anything stronger than co codamol because I used to be an addict. I had huge problems with that. It caused me to relapse on h and alcohol and they just don't get it. The medical profession seem to be years behind the actual research.
Just venting really. I don't know what to think. Do I tell someone at my next assessment? I found being honest about my addictions in the past just caused the NHS to treat me like *. To pathologise me as the scum of the earth and to treat me like an ignorant moron.
I'm not going to say anything: but if I don't, will they use that as an excuse to tell me I'm "stable" like they tried after assessment number 1? Anything to save money. Grrrr.

[NarcKiddo]

I have no idea what to advise. I have no mental health experience of the NHS. Mind you, these days one can hardly get any experience of the NHS whatsoever!

My instinct is to tell them the truth even if they do then regard you badly. I think they try to dump you if they can find an excuse. My husband had to get private GP treatment during Covid. Our NHS GP then tried to dump him through lack of use of their services. Although how he was supposed to use their services when you simply cannot get an appointment I have no idea. But I digress...

I'm glad you have at least found something to help you. Well done on coming off the h and then the methadone. That must have been tough.

[Saluki]

Thanks NarcKiddo,
Yeah it was pretty horrible. I have some awful experiences of the NHS. I'm so doctorphobic that I'd rather find a wolf spider in my bedroom than make a GP appointment, but I'm forcing myself for the first time since I came off my script.
I've got another mental health assessment coming up so will decide whether to tell them then. Ugh. I've got plenty of other symptoms for them to be going on with and the last thing I want is for them to blame the self medication on the depersonalisation/derealization/dissociation because that's entirely separate. I know how they love to treat addiction without treating the underlying issues which worked out pretty badly for me. Without something to numb the brain horrors I don't cope at all
I feel like the NHS is trying to push everyone to go private. It sounds awful what happened to your husband. Not okay. Covid was a nightmare re. healthcare. So much neglect.
The NHS outsource/subcontract a lot of private healthcare companies already at great public expense and it's not a better service in my experience.

[Armee]

I think my instinct is to say: trust your gut. If it is saying that sharing right now is going to cause more harm than good, then don't. Until you find a stable trustworthy therapist, internal stability, and maybe start to process some traumas to a level where the addiction isn't needed. Eventually yes get help but you seem to be very aware of the damage caused by focusing on only the addiction and not the root.

[Kizzie]

So sorry for what you've gone through Saluki.  I just spent some time in the healthcare system here in Canada last year and it was similar in the sense that I came away feeling like the care has gone out of the health system when it comes to trauma anyway. I was not listened to and could not get through to them about what I needed because they did not understand trauma. Ironically trauma is NOT just psychological but very physical as well and yet they don't seem to make the connection. Apparently trauma is not typically covered in medicine except for a few hours. No wonder we can't find knowledgeable physicians and become doctorphobic as you put it. 

[Saluki]

Thanks Armee, I didn't say anything about it at the assessment in the end. I felt so cringey when she seemed all proud of me, for not even smoking, which I don't. Problem is last time I admitted using nicotine containing vapes the nurse cut me off my contraceptive pills which I need to regulate my hormones as I have absolutely horrendous PMT otherwise. So they don't allow us to be honest: they forbid medicines we require because they're scared they'll get punished if something goes wrong. So they punish us. Like refusing me adequate pain meds just because I was a heroin addict. Well heroin addicts are addicted for a reason. Because they can't tolerate pain, usually related to trauma.

Thank you too, Kizzie,

I was pleasantly surprised when talking to a physiotherapist the other day (not mine, sadly. I don't have one). She completely understood the link between trauma and pain. I wish my GP did.

I'm sorry you had a bad experience too. I know what you mean by the care has gone...

[Armee]

I'm really proud of you for being honest about your struggles here, and with yourself, and for having so much insight and wisdom about what you need to survive this all.

[Saluki]

Thanks Armee.
Yeah it's all about survival. I just wish there wasn't such a fine line between qualifying for getting help and not qualifying. Lack of funding makes me so angry: don't they understand that the economy is negatively effected by their refusal to provide adequate care? So many people would be able to be productive with the right help, but no: lack of funding...I bet they don't lack funding for second homes, yachts and champagne. Haha I'm not bitter 🤣

[Armee]

I am definitely bitter! 

[Kizzie]

  Me as well. Or maybe I'm more angry than bitter I don't know.  I just feel like we have been screwed over not only by those who hurt us but by those who have done little to nothing to acknowledge and help all of us. 

[Bermuda]

Hi Saluki, I am also part of the bitter/white coat syndrome club. Hah

It is great that you can share, and you have made me think about things I haven't thought about in years. What you did, and how you coped was perfectly reasonable given the circumstances you were in. I understand your frustration, and it too is valid. It's a conversation that needs to be had.

People do things for a reason. Life can be painful. I hope you have better support now.

[Saluki]

Thank you all. So much. I can't work out if I'm bitter, furious or just completely heartbroken.

Ah, it's number 3: heartbroken. Something in my insides/gut did that desperately sad emotional twang thing in my entire body when I wrote it.

I don't even know if I know how to feel angry any more...I don't have the energy. I spent years blocking overwhelming sadness with feelings of equally overwhelming pure rage. I don't think I cried for years. At all. I couldn't. Nowadays I think I seem to be blocking anger with pure sadness. So many things that used to make me angry just make me cry. Which is definitely better than rages. So I guess that's progress.

My dog does this really sweet deep intake of breath and a huge sigh when I put a blanket over him at night if it's cold. I feel like I reckon he does when he makes that sigh, knowing I'm in good company. It's a huge relief to be understood, isn't it?