Dante's Journal

[Dante]

Thanks BeeKeeper.   I do have a lot of changes I'm trying to make all at once and I think I've got to prioritize a bit.  Your message helped me to see that and also see acceptance.  Thanks for that.

[sanmagic7]

 

[Dante]

I'm feeling better and more confident now about some of the recent changes that I've made to break some unhealthy and self-destructive habits.  Still early, but all signs point toward me finally being able to make progress when I haven't been able to before.  I owe thanks to all of you, because here for the first time, my ignored, neglected inner child has been validated.  I wasn't crazy, it did happen, and it did suck.  I think I've been looking for and not finding that all my life from therapists, priests, family (who caused it in the first place).  Thank you all for that.  For the first time, the light at the end of the tunnel might not be a train after all.

I am trying to add in some food detox this week.  My recent changes have also unfortunately included a 10 lb gain, so I need to get that under control.

[Armee]

 

The validation really really helps. I think especially coming from other trauma sufferers, because we tend to think "others had it worse so I should be ok" - being validated by the kind souls on this forum gave me permission to accept things.

I'm really proud of you for making progress on taking better care of yourself. Cut yourself a lot of slack as you work your way through that process, slip ups, and weight gain. The weight will come off when it's time. For now if gaining a bit of weight is the temporary price for reducing other more harmful ways of coping maybe try to let it be there for a bit.

[Dante]

Thanks, Armee. 

[Dante]

As I've shared, I've made progress against some of my more self-destructive urges.  Today, should I get through it, is day 10.  I've realized I'm not angry anymore.  I'm still hurt, and still very, very scared.  But I'm not angry anymore.  That was a shocking revelation, and I realize now my self-destructive urges were a way to act out my anger - but I had to do it at myself because it wasn't OK to be angry at anyone else>.  Now that I'm not angry (or at least less angry, or maybe situationally appropriately angry), I'm finding I don't even feel the need for those urges.

I did something else for myself this weekend.  I have maintained a 'list' for 15 years, of all the things I was expected to do.  And used it to excoriate myself for my failures.  Some of the stuff on that list have been there for 15 years, but the list never empties because I could never possibly be all everyone else expects me to be.  And I keep the list to make sure I don't forget because I'm terrified of forgetting.  So I just feel constantly overwhelmed, and then beat myself up for failing.  So I ripped up the list.  It's gone.  Some of the stuff on it I'll have to do eventually, maybe, but I'm no longer living according to someone else's list.

Last thing for today, had a pretty strong EF this morning.  Was listening to a song in the car that took me back to college and a friendship that I damaged/destroyed.  College was not a good time for me (I was expected to figure out who I was, despite never having a template that said I was allowed to or how to, and I was expected to form relationships when I had no template for having such relationships).  I realized halfway through the song what it was doing, and hit skip.  It was empowering, and the EF subsided soon after.

Thanks for this safe place to share!

[sanmagic7]

dante, these are some remarkable steps you took.  kudos to you!     being able to feel less urgent about self-destructive behaviors, tearing up that list (that was such a powerful thing to do!), and turning off that song - wow!  and another cheer for your 10 days   pretty impressive all the way around!

keep up the good work, ok?  those unrealistic perfectionist expectations that were placed on us, well i can truly relate to that.  it takes a lot of strength to cut those out of our lives.  i give you all kinds of credit for these accomplishments.   i hope this wasn't overload on the compliments.  i know it can also be difficult to take those in.   love and hugs 

[BeeKeeper]

1. 

I realize now my self-destructive urges were a way to act out my anger

2. 

So I ripped up the list.

3.

realized halfway through the song what it was doing, and hit skip.

By George, I think you've GOT it! 

[Armee]

 

I agree...By George, You GOT it.

I am bouncing inside at you tearing up that list! Who needs THAT?

[Dante]

Thank you San, BeeKeeper and Armee!   

[Dante]

When I started this, I thought that I'd write more here than I have.  It did prompt me to start writing stuff I wish I had written a long time ago, and because of that, I'm grateful I started this experiment (the journal, not the forum).  But I think the journal has served its purpose, and I don't think I'll write in it again.  (I do still plan to  participate on the forum). 

I'm writing this note for me, to set some closure on this particular form of exploration.  With my OCD, I can't leave things unfinished, so I'm saying it's finished because it has ended here.