Lockdown blues

[jamesG.1]

Still weathering sharp depressions. Nothing was lifting my mood this week and that includes getting bestseller status on Amazon UK.

I feel stalled, overwhelmed by the dreary weather, the differences between myself and my partner and the relentless negativity of lockdown. I'm combating this mainly by a huge drop in expectations and beta-blockers. Noise levels in the house have been really high, hitting me bang on my nerves. Will calm down soon as youngest goes back to Uni.

A happy and productive routine seems a long way off.

I am consciously waiting this out to see what the positives arriving will do to my mood, the relationship and the people around me. On paper, so much is right in my life, but my mood regulation is paper-thin. It is extremely rare for me to be genuinely distracted by anything. It makes me want to run, be alone. I won't, but I do feel close to those kinds of lines.

Was watching a vid on trauma and avoidance and it seems clear to me that my trauma is focused on drawn-out humiliation, disempowerment and constant negatives. These are triggered easily in constant proximity to everyone here whether there is a real issue or not. I'm aware of it, but I can't regulate it well enough.

It's a flashback of the trauma years. I was trapped in a house with no personal space that wasn't fought for. My partner now a good person, with no sinister flaws, but I can take her direct nature as an attack if I'm not on the ball, especially if tired or unwell. The more tired I was before, the more my boundaries were assaulted.

Regarding what I wish I'd known at the start of all this: I think the big recovery starts when you accept that morality is not universal and that people can be spectacularly unkind, selfish and negligent. It's very hard to take that in. I am still shocked, not just by the behaviour of my inner associations, but by the relationships beyond that. Part of it comes from not "seeing" some of the support, but mostly I was profoundly let down regarding my ex-partner's decline. No one wanted to get their hands dirty. This is not rare, I wish I realized that earlier. You cannot live your life with high expectations regarding people, you have to see the best in people as a bonus, but never as part of your own personal defences because if that fails, you have nothing. I think it's also vital to accept that taking measures to defend yourself is a right. In abusive relationships, this is skewed endlessly with accusations of selfishness, weakness and oversensitivity, but it's as real as anything gets. I left my alcoholic ex because if I'd stayed I would have gone down with her. I don't need anyone to understand that, it's my reality. I wish I'd known that in a deeper sense. Also, you crave people to say something, anything... but mostly, they won't. You simply cannot hold out for intervention, the solutions have to all be homegrown. Knowing that people won't get it is a hard lesson, but you have to digest that or you will eat yourself up forever.

You have to lose your innocence.

[Blueberry]

Hi James,
I sometimes read your posts, remembering back to earlier times on the forum when you posted more regularly.
What you wrote below really speaks to me tonight with what I've been realising and processing this evening. So thanks for writing it.

I think the big recovery starts when you accept ... that people can be spectacularly unkind, selfish and negligent.  ...  I think it's also vital to accept that taking measures to defend yourself is a right. In abusive relationships, this is skewed endlessly with accusations of selfishness, weakness and oversensitivity, but it's as real as anything gets. I left my alcoholic ex because if I'd stayed I would have gone down with her. I don't need anyone to understand that, it's my reality. I wish I'd known that in a deeper sense. Also, you crave people to say something, anything... but mostly, they won't. You simply cannot hold out for intervention, the solutions have to all be homegrown. Knowing that people won't get it is a hard lesson, but you have to digest that or you will eat yourself up forever.

One thing I've really been noticing recently, which sounds even worse than what you're pointing out, is that people who apparently think they're my friends (gotta scratch my head on that one) try to intervene on the part of my abusers and neglecters or on the part of people in my life who currently going over my boundaries. Anyway, more on that in my Journal today or tomorrow.

It sounds as if you're further on in that respect than I am because you say you don't need anybody to understand you whereas I'm still kind of looking for that. So kudos to you

Still weathering sharp depressions. Nothing was lifting my mood this week and that includes getting bestseller status on Amazon UK.

I still get bad depression too for or a week or so. Sorry you've got to deal with that as well and that nothing lifts it. I can relate to that as well. It's tough-going. 

on your besteller status. Way to go!

[jamesG.1]

well, the point on being understood is that we think we need it more than we actually do.

I wanted so bad for some people I thought of as friends to come out and take my side, to validate my experience. But whether they do or not is not the long term goal here, it's what we do inside that counts. If we validate ourselves and remove the bad press internally, we don't need anyone else involved and our relationships can separate from the C_PTSD issue.

You know what happened, what is happening now and who did what, that should ultimately be enough. Leaning out for validation is hugely damaging if it ends in more criticism, negligence or abuse. You are better off writing it all down, again and again in a journal.

In fairness to some people tho, narcissistic abuse is very hard to convey, not least because the abuser is subtle, cunning and very careful to stay hidden from a wider world. It's no surprise that you can't get that over to people. My brother only finally became "seen" for what he was in our wider social connections when he took to drinking and trolling on facebook during the 2016 Brexit wars. It also took separation from his wife and her account of domestic abuse before the penny dropped across my social networks.

Some people get it, but most won't. Some will find amusement in your frustration and anxiety. Some will use your unhappiness to shore up their own doubts and worry.

If in doubt, write down your story in very minimal terms. "A" did this, then this, and then that. "B" failed to do this, then that. etc etc. We all know what is wrong and right, seeing it in those terms helps remove the fog that surrounds so much abuse. If we saw it from outside, what would we be saying? Don't let the water get muddied by buying into the debate, YOU know what happened. If anyone else fails to grasp what happened there may be reasons why that is thebcase, but the narrative that matters is YOURS.

[jamesG.1]

The big one for me is my alcoholic ex. She went from being a kind gentle soul to a proper monster. Only I saw that in all its hideous detail, but can I make people see that... no. If the gender was reversed it would be very different because culture is full of the drunken abusive male character, but a female drunk is less defined. Her friends, none of whom intervened when requested, took the line that I had somehow created her issues when in fact the trail led directly to her abusive mother and bullying sisters.

When I left there was total silence from these "friends". I doubt they even tried to help her, but what they did do was blame me. Later, when my ex fell downstairs and died, no one even told me. 

I'd tried for 5 years to stop all this, but I was threatened, manipulated and abused for my trouble. I was left to it, then finally judged by people who knew nothing. The story was fed into people's own larger narratives. It hurt like * because I am by nature a helper, an empath and a carer. I took it as far as I could then left when the damage was too great. None of that is seen or recognised.

You have to learn to not care what people think, or about the lack of support or understanding from people. I had recognition from health professionals, drink helplines and a few distant connections, that has to be enough. They say it takes three positives to outweigh a single negative, but these kinds of negatives require a lot more than that. These are terrible life events, and these big moments are like magnets for wider critical viewing. We become like public figures, famous in our own lives for sadness and tragedy, the centre of all the wrong kinds of attention.

You have to decide to take that narrative back and say... 'you know what... if you don't get it... I DON'T GET YOU.'

[Jazzy]

Hi James,

I'm sorry to hear you're having such difficulty in lockdown. Lockdown is difficult, for sure. It sounds like it is more difficult for you than most people, because of your personal past. I think you've done a great job at identifying some major points here, which are much more relevant to you than anything I could say about lockdown. Good for you! 

I also relate to what you're saying about how it is difficult to handle cultural expectations. I have had situations with my ex like that too. While the details are different than yours, I still feel like people don't really connect with what I have to say the same way they would if our genders were reversed, so I generally don't speak about it, though that may not be the healthiest decision either.

There is a lot of wisdom in your post here, and you're doing a good job. Keep it up!

About lockdown specifically, I am currently in my house for 23.5 hours a day, which is not ideal. Although, I have found some things helpful.

1. I make it a point be especially nice to myself, in an attempt to help make up for the lack of external (from other people) in person positivity.
2. I take extra time to be nice for my cats. Not only is it good for them, but they express their appreciation quite well, which is helpful for me too.
3. I try to maximize positive social interactions online, and minimize the negative ones.

Like you said, it's so important to find people who provide you with support and understanding. I think it's important to provide that to ourselves as well, though, and then after some practice with that, we can provide it to other people.

I hope you feel better soon James.  if it is positive for you.

[Blueberry]

Yes, I remember about your ex and especially her falling down the stairs and dying and nobody told you for a long time. I understand the hurt too. I get that. The examples are different in my situation but the grief probably similar.

You know what happened, what is happening now and who did what, that should ultimately be enough. Leaning out for validation is hugely damaging if it ends in more criticism, negligence or abuse. You are better off writing it all down, again and again in a journal.

Idk if this was directed at me or you're just speaking from the heart about your experiences?
I think that I'm still unconsciously looking for validation and understanding. So that's just one of about 25 construction sites in my life needing work. Often the recovery comes at the pace it comes. That's just the nature of my recovery process. I now accept that, mostly. 
I've just realised maybe I'm seeing a need to justify myself again and even worse on your thread, so I'll stop that now.

I have been aware through your posts that you have made a lot of progress, James with lots of changes IRL. Also that you're not on here that much so that means you're getting on with your recovery without much need for OOTS as a helping hand. I think that's great All the best continuing. 

[jamesG.1]

oh no,not directed at you Blueberry,it's a general thing.

I'd really suggest reading Derren Brown's book Happy, life-changing on the validation issue. It's a hunt for the impossible, and it has no value even if yu do get something. Your validation towards yourself is what matters.