Knowing the trigger not the trauma

[Armadillo]

Hi I bet this has been covered all over the place already so please tell me to go read another thread too. 

But, what do you all do to manage when you can identify WHAT has triggered you but you can't tie it to an underlying trauma?

Last night I was majorly triggered by a car blocking me from being able to get to my house. Because of the way my street is this happens all the time...multiple times a week and it's no big deal. I park by the mailboxes and hike up the hill. It's just how it is. But last night I got mildly ticked off because it was the second time that day (again not unusual at all for this to happen even multiple times a day). And so the different part was I had the thought "ugh. Everyone is always blocking me from getting home." I reversed down the hill and up the next hill, parked, and then "came to" fully dissociated and honestly feeling the sensation of still reversing, then as I thawed I got panicky and sad. I went about my evening making dinner, taking my daughter to the park. But the dissociation didn't really lift and I passed out on the couch at 7. I thought about telling my husband which is what I am "supposed to do." But I just feel so stupid and weak you know? Because I don't have any memory of any trauma that was triggered.

This happens a lot and sometimes can be really really intense. But I don't know what it's about. ETA: different triggers, apparently different underlying causes. (Even when I can tie a trigger to a trauma it doesn't "feel" like the trauma is a problem like my body is reacting severely even though emotionally and cognitively I got no problem with what happened.)

What do you do when you can't identify the underlying issue? It's just really hard to be kind and gentle to yourself when you can't point to anything that makes sense and it's hard to resolve the underlying issue if you don't know what it is.

I read the link to Pete Walkers 13 steps to managing flashbacks, but Step 12 is identifying the underlying issue....

I know, this question is like the core of why emotional flashbacks are so challenging, isn't it?

[Blueberry]

Hi Armadillo,
I can't actually remember off-hand that this has been covered all over the forum already. So, I don't have a thread to point you to.

Being triggered without knowing the underlying trauma happens to me "all the time". So I can empathise with you. I deal with it by waiting, knowing that the underlying trauma will probably come up sometime and it's not coming atm because it's too early for me. That may be just me and not necessarily the way you want or need to deal with it however.

Based on what you've written I could surmise a few bits of possible underlying trauma, but I'm not sure if that's what you want or need. It doesn't tend to do me any good, but we're all different.

Even though it's hard, please try and be kind to yourself.
Do you do EFT aka tapping? That could help if you know how to do it. Something like: "Even though I don't know the underlying trauma, I still accept myself."  If it feels safe to you, here's a gentle, understanding 

[Armadillo]

Thank you Blueberry. I like safe hugs.

Thanks yeah I can definitely come up with things that could cause reaction. I guess what's missing is having any emotion about the events. So it doesn't seem possible they are causing the trigger reaction cause I can think about the thing and not be bothered. But my body has proven to me in the past that I can think I'm fine but when you are experiencing dramatic physical flashbacks, you ain't ok even if your dissociated brain thinks you are.

I do a lot better knowing and understanding. That's when I've made big leaps. But you are right. That will come when I am ready.

Thanks for your empathy and relating.

[Jazzy]

I'm sorry to hear you were majorly triggered, that's so difficult... "difficult" doesn't cover it, but I don't know words to do that kind of thing justice. I hope you're feeling better by now, at least somewhat.

It sounds extra challenging to me, because you've described so much going on here. Triggered, fully dissociated, thawed, panic, sadness, standard evening events, more dissociation.... what a rollercoaster! I don't think anyone could handle that well. It makes sense to me to look for comfort in understanding, I do that often.

I think we've all been there, and we've all looked for answers, but like Blueberry said... I can't think of a specific thread to point you to either. I expect that the specifics of exactly why this happens is different each time.

I can't tell you anything for sure, but I can throw a couple of ideas out there based on my own experiences. Maybe they'll connect with you, maybe not. Either way, I hope you find some peace with the matter.

Usually when my mind does something I'm not expecting (which has been happening to me recently with actions/instinct, but also applies to reactions), its because my sub-conscious picked up on something that my conscious  missed. It could be just the smallest detail that I didn't realize intellectually, but it still had an impact on me. Sometimes I can realize what it was later, especially in dreams, as my mind is least busy and most open to itself when I'm sleeping. Sometimes I never know what it was.

Another thing is that after some particularly difficult therapy, my mind tends to be more vulnerable to reactions... which is difficult, but is actually a good thing I think. There's a lot of recent raw emotion, some blockages cleared, some new ways of thinking, and it's a lot for the mind to adjust too. Sometimes connections are made that aren't 100% accurate, but that's okay! Nobody is always perfect right away. We might have a scheduled 30-90 minute therapy session, but our minds don't turn on and off at will like that, especially in the deeper levels.

So, if it's okay, I'll switch from just talking about me, to talking about you a bit. While I don't know as well as you, from what I've seen you've come a very long way on your healing journey in a short amount of time. On top of all the intellectual (talk therapy) progress, I see a lot of emotional growth too. I'm counting at least 6 different feelings in your original post here, which I think is great!  That's a lot to handle though, and especially with some of the other things you've said elsewhere, it sounds like your mind is going through a lot of changes and improvement.

What I would do, is to try to focus on the positive as much as possible, even though it's really challenging. If nothing else, dissociation -> feeling -> activities -> dissociation is a big step forward from one long dissociative episode with no feelings at all. I agree with Blueberry, acceptance is very important. I think appreciation and encouragement is good too, if possible.

This will likely be extremely difficult, but it's helped me a lot recently to realize that intellect is only one part of my mind, and it doesn't always get everything right, and it doesn't always understand the rest of my mind. Sometimes my subconscious does better at making connections, because it's unburdened by a lot of concepts and "rules". I've been putting a lot of effort in to trusting my subconscious more and trying to understand it instead of judge it, and trying to appreciate it. Sometimes it it makes mistakes though. My logic mind makes a lot of mistakes too, and that's okay, so it's okay for the rest of my mind to not be perfect all the time too.

I'm sure that if the specific reason of why you were triggered badly at this particular time is important to your subconscious mind, it will figure it out, and let you know! If it doesn't, maybe that's okay too. There's lots of other stuff (not all bad!) that can be focused on.

This message feels cold to me, and I apologize for that. I'm a bit off tonight. I hope something in here was helpful though! If not, that's okay too.

With all of that said, I hear you that you are struggling with this. I'm sorry this is difficult, and I hope you're feeling better soon... not just because you've let it go, but that you can actually find an answer you are happy with, and find peace from. Even if it's a change in thinking, and not the answer to your original question.

[Armadillo]

Thank you Jazzy. You are very wise. I believe my therapist would have very similar thoughts about this as you,  and your responses are always so caring and thorough. You may feel that you are off tonight but your response here is not "off" or "cold." I can tell you understand the allure and pitfallls of relying on intellect and trying to understand.

****
I can't recall who recommended Janina Fisher's new workbook Tranforming the Livng Legacy of Trauma (Hope? Eidolon?)...but it arrived yesterday and I started reading it tonight. First chapter is very relevant here. Talking about triggers in your day to day environment:

"Worse yet, there may be no event or picture to which we can connect these nonverbal memories. Decades of research on the effects of trauma confirm that overwhelming experiences are less likely to be recalled in a clear, coherent narrative or a series of pictures that we can describe. Trauma is more likely to be remembered in the form of sensory elements without words...When implicit memories are evoked by triggers...we reexperience the sense of threat...even if we have no conscious verbal memory of what happened..."

And here's where you are spot on Jazzy...her next sentence reads:

"However,  trying to think of a particular event to which these reactions might be connected is unlikely to bring much relief."

She continues...

"Often, making the connection to a single event in the past intensifies the painful physical and emotional responses and sense of feeling overwhelmed. Without understanding their meaning, most individuals assume that something is wrong with them or with the current here-and-now environment...They conclude, "This is not a safe place." Or they interpret the intense, baffling responses as meaning, "Something is wrong with me..."

That's really why I strive to understand....it's baffling why I would dissociate so intensely followed by days of shame and self-hatred just because a car blocked me from getting to my driveway. And so it feels like... if I could only point to some dreadful single event in my past that this brought up, I wouldn't feel so crazy for reacting so strongly. In reality maybe there isn't a single hugely traumatic association.

Maybe it's just all those times I felt afraid that I needed to get home or someone would die but nothing actually happened. Maybe it's also the time I was whisked away by a neighbor and told mysteriously I couldn't go home, was confused and forced to stay there hungry, and then suddenly was turned loose. Turned out step dad was packing his bags to leave and they decided I shouldn't be there. (I still remember the neighbor's fridge. It was so bright because the only thing in there was a giant empty jar of pickles. She let me drink the juice. That was the only thing to eat.) I remember how she told me he told her to tell me goodbye and that he'd miss me the most and I was the only one he really loved, which struck me as super wrong at the time. Or maybe it was the recurrent nightmares I had as a kid of being chased through a park by a monster and desperately trying to get home and hide.

Anyway, point being it may be more a theme rather than a single event ...it doesn't matter, it doesn't have to be a huge trauma. It doesn't make sense to me and I feel defective for my reaction,  but I certainly would not think any of you were defective for having a reaction.

[Jazzy]

Thank you Armadillo, and thank you for this great post too!

I think you make an excellent point about it being a theme, not so much a specific trauma... after all, that's the "C" part of CPTSD.

I see you're really struggling with this still, and I'm sorry. I wish it were easier now, but I'm also sure it will get easier in time as you continue to improve. I find your last sentence positive, because even though it sounds like you're judging yourself unfairly, you recognize that. In my experience, recognition is always the first step towards improvement.

Hang in there, it's a bumpy road, but it gets smoother!