Is it time to switch therapists

[Snookiebookie2]

Hi guys

I've been with my therapist for about 4 years.  I went every week for the first 7or 8 months, then every fortnight for another 7 or 8 months, then monthly for 4 or 5 months.  Since then I've only had and hoc appointments when things get on top of me.

I have told my therapist EVERYTHING.  She knows all the traumas I've been through, and ask the people who've been in my life. She is very good at remembering all these, especially as I don't see her regularly anymore.

She is a relational therapist, and looks at relationships and how we interact, and how those interactions make us feel.  She has made me realise how damaging my mother was in my life. She also listened to me, without judgment, with regards to my relationship with my teenage daughter - which was very turbulent when I started therapy.  My relationship with my daughter is much better and stable - but I also think this is due to her needing me during lockdown.

I can genuinely say that my therapist had helped me with lots of issues.  She also helps to have someone to talk to, as she knows all about me. But sometimes she seems genuinely stumped and is unable to come up with ideas or resources when I have a specific problem.

I spoke with her about six or seven months ago as my daughter was exhibiting eating disorder behaviours.  I asked her a direct question of how I feel with it. She seemed uncertain. However by the end of the session she had suggested that the behaviour was the symptom, not the cause. This was helpful. She did send me some helpline details afterwards.

Most of my issues boil down to repeated issues, i.e. self esteem, inner critic, perfectionism. And these issues are usually triggered by work. So the sequence of events are, that I'll get wound up, have a therapy session, rant, and then go away until the next time I get overwhelmed.

I've come to realise, and to partially accept that changing jobs won't solve my problems. I am always going to be me, and act like me.  So I need some tactics for dealing with things when I'm overwhelmed.  I also need some practical ideas of keeping myself from reacting and the pressure building. I also need a way to track my mood/feelings, so I spot that I'm spiralling before things get bad. 

Last Wednesday I had a therapy session, it was quite close to my last session. As a consequence I was as wound up. I was more lucid and articulate. 

I asked my therapist for tactics and self help methods. She had nothing to offer, but was due to have a catch up session with her supervisor and said she'd raise it.  She did ask pertinent questions as to the roots cause.  I explained my fear of being told off or being in trouble.  We explored that, and the conversation turned to my mum.  My therapist agreed with all the points I was raising.  I felt better for talking about things.

It's a few days after my appointment, and I've not heard back from my therapist. I was hoping she, or her supervisor, could recommend some methods of dealing with things. But they haven't been in touch.  I can only assume they have nothing to recommend.

So, in wondering if there's any point in continuing with her.  It's great that she knows all about me, and who's who in my life.  She has been helpful most of the time. She also has allowed a few sessions to over run when we've been making progress.

The drawbacks are that she's never given me a diagnosis (although that's not uncommon in the UK). And sometimes I think she's not interested in what I say - but it might be that she's just letting me rant. Maybe she is just seeing her role as someone who listens.  I've often said that I don't know what to do, how to deal with things - she just looks blankly at me. Even if I ask her what options are available, she is reluctant to subject exercises or tactics. This maybe down to her style but leaves me feeling frustrated and ignored.

The thought of starting with someone else is daunting. If have to go over old ground again, and we'd have to take time to get to know each other.  Then there's the cost of those sessions - it'd have to be private treatment (i.e. not NHS, and I'm not insured).  But the main reason that puts me off is finding a good fit - it's hard to find someone you feel comfortable with and like.

Ideally, if I did find a new therapist, it'd be someone who knows how to deal with CPTSD. But it's not easy in the UK, as it's not widely recognised.  And when you search for an experienced CPTSD therapist, it picks up people with experience of dealing with PTSD or trauma.   Is that the same thing??

So I'm stumped what to do now.

[Kizzie]

Hey Snookie, just thought I'd do a Google search and unbelievably I found a directory of UK therapists who treat Complex Trauma - see - https://www.complextrauma.uk/directory.html.  It's part of/associated with The Complex Trauma Institute https://www.complextrauma.uk/about-us.html.  I'm excited we're finally on the radar!   I will be adding these to our threads on therapist databases and UK resources

Hopefully they can help you find a T near you.   

[Not Alone]

So I need some tactics for dealing with things when I'm overwhelmed.  I also need some practical ideas of keeping myself from reacting and the pressure building. I also need a way to track my mood/feelings, so I spot that I'm spiralling before things get bad. 



I asked my therapist for tactics and self help methods. She had nothing to offer, but was due to have a catch up session with her supervisor and said she'd raise it. 


It's a few days after my appointment, and I've not heard back from my therapist. I was hoping she, or her supervisor, could recommend some methods of dealing with things. But they haven't been in touch.  I can only assume they have nothing to recommend.

It sounds like you communicated your needs to your therapist. Were you able to be as specific as in your first paragraph that I quoted? My therapist would wait for the next session to share information; I would not receive a phone call, but you know how your T communicates.

Could you continue to see current T while transitioning to a new T? I changed therapists about a year ago. I know that it's really difficult. When I told my first T that I was thinking of switching and why, he was very supportive. If you do decide to discuss this with your T, I hope that she is supportive.

[Snookiebookie2]

@Kizzie Many thanks for the info. I made contact with one of the therapists and had an informal chat.  She can offer me some sessions, but yikes! The cost is £90 for an assessment followed by £65 per session. It's not possible to indicate how many sessions I'll need until after the assessment.  I'm mulling it over.  I was paying £40 per session for my current T - but on an as hoc basis. So it's quite a commitment. I don't have any insurance, so I'll have to fund any treatment.

@notalone yes, I was very specific and direct in communicating my needs to my therapist.  Once before when I asked for info she emailed me within a day. I no longer have regular sessions, so no follow up was arranged. She was speaking to her supervisor later that afternoon, so I anticipated she'd let me know if she found anything out in a day or so.

I just feel like I'm treading water with my current T. But I know I'll have to spend some time and expense bringing a new T up to speed on what's happened and who I am.  And I might find that I'm no further forward, and have to switch again. 

So frustrating

[Snookiebookie2]

I've heard back from my therapist!  Maybe I should be more patient!!!

Her supervisor has agreed that I'm dealing with inner child issues, and had recommended a book:. Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione.  I've bought a copy off of eBay

Let's see how it goes....

[Jazzy]

I'm glad you got some more information back from your T! I hope the book helps you.

This is a tough topic. Starting over with someone else is a big investment, in both time and money. It also has some risk with it (what if the next person is worse?). However, it is important to get the help you need, and it isn't good to just stick with what's easy. Really, it's your choice to make, based on what is best for you.

However, there are a couple of points I'd like to bring up for your consideration.

1) Expectations - are your expectations fair? Maybe being more patient is something you can work on. It may also help to arrange a time frame for followups, so you aren't left wondering (even if it's just "I'm still looking, I need another 2 days, to find you something."). Also, do your expectations match the qualifications of your T? A T is not necessarily a psychologist, and a psychologist is not necessarily a psychiatrist. They all have different levels of education, and different resources available.

2) Communication - have you told your T how you're feeling about them? Moreso than anyone, a T should be able to take your feedback in a positive way. If you say something like "I don't feel confident with the resources I've been getting from you.", then they should work with you to find other resources that work better for you. If they can't, they should tell you that, and refer you to someone who can. However, even Ts aren't mind readers. If they don't know you're not satisfied with them, they can't improve or find you a better solution.

I realize that kind of communication can be very difficult, sometimes even impossible. What I've done in situations like that is printed off what I had previously typed up, and given it to the person in question. If they don't take it well, then I just leave and find someone else. However, I've done this 3 times, and they all had good results in the end.

All that aside, I'm sorry to hear you feel like you're treading water. That sounds discouraging, and difficult to deal with. I hope you find a way to move forward and continue to heal, regardless of who you are working with. All the best!

[Snookiebookie2]

I've decided to reach out to another therapist. This doesn't necessarily mean it's a permanent change.

I really do think it's inner child issues. I have tried the book that was recommended, but it's hard going. Besides it recommends working with a therapist.

I have found a therapist who does inner child work and I've just had a taster session. My impressions were good, and it felt okay. I have booked a session again next week.  Feeling quite excited....

[Not Alone]

That sounds encouraging. Seeing someone new can be difficult. Great that you are listening to yourself about trying someone new.

[Snookiebookie2]

Finally,

My new therapist has confirmed it. My mum was a narcissist!

I already knew it, but all other treatment providers have avoided labelling.   It is so liberating to know and have it confirmed.

[Not Alone]

I have found that having things named (for you, that mom was a narcissist), can be really helpful. I have so many thoughts and feelings swirling around. To have a boundary or definition for those thoughts and feelings helps. Sometimes for me, "Oh yeah, that fits. I'm not crazy."

Glad you are finding your new therapist to be helpful.

[Kizzie]

   I so agree with Notalone. I found it really liberating to know my FOO suffers from NPD. It meant it really was them and not me, and it allowed me to access language to finally unpick all the confusion of their crazy-making behaviour (oh yeh, that's gaslighting or hoovering or triangulating).  Our sister site Out of the Fog was a godsend for me in this regard. I don't think enough T's know just how helpful having this knowledge is for those of us who endured N abuse.

[Libby183]

Snookiebookie.

I was so pleased to read that you had found a trauma informed therapist, and that you were feeling positive about them after your first session.

Being in the UK as well, I know how difficult it is to get any specialist help for the effects of relational trauma.

I too have issues with my D, so I hope that the new therapist helps you move forward in this area. I wish I had got more help when my D was a teenager.

All the very best to you and I hope you can share some of thoughts on your new therapy.