Letter to my siblings

[rainydiary]

My siblings have been on my mind.  I am noticing in my healing I haven't thought much of them and I would like to explore why. 

Dear Siblings,

I hold you in my thoughts but I also keep you at a distance.  I am wondering about this. 

Flashes of our childhood come to mind of us sitting in one of our bedrooms watching movie after movie.  We felt like prisoners and watching a movie together felt like one of only the safe things we could do. 

Other flashes of pain and abuse inflicted on us together also come to mind.  We never talked about it.  We each dealt in our own way.  I imagine we each felt alone even though we had each other. 

I don't know how to talk to you now.  We communicate sometimes and rather indirectly.  We never get too deep or close.  For me it is physically painful.  I don't know how to hold space for you because I can barely hold space for myself in the context of our family. 

I hope that we will find our way to each other more.  I hope that we will be what we can be to one another.  We have all developed our own lives and are doing as well as we can. 

I'll be thinking of you more and exploring this part of myself more too.