Help, I'm worried over my child

[Marianne]

I have C-PTSD with traumarelated delusions. And I'm frightened of what that does to my son.

I was emotionally and sexually abused by family members. I was also abused by the father of my son. When my kid was a newborn I realized he was also a threat to my kid (because of things that he said and did). I quit contact.

For four years I sought help everywhere. I begged them. I asked for safety for my son, rest for me to recover and trauma therapy. I just got benzo's. CPS said "a psychopath can be a good dad too" and manipulatively pressured and threatened me for three years to hand over my kid. I refused. Only after years and years, and a psychotic collapse on my side, and then a year more, the courts decided no visitation rights for the ex.

It was all just too long of a frightening period to recover from though. I kept having psychoses. I begged and begged them years more for therapy, but they refused. Too expensive, you are too stable, you are not stable enough, we don't know what the causes are, etcetera. I went in and out of hospitals for a few years. Couldn't be there for the kid.

I worked on myself. Thought about my family history, my own history, my own weaknesses (not understanding or expressing emotions, my own boundaries). Taught myself that. Quit relationships with people who were hurtful, like the uncle that sexually abused me or a 'friend' that had some similar traits as my ex.

I was stable for a few years. In that period there were still difficulties though. My parents, who took in my child against my will (I preferred a foster family) refused to give me a normal mother's role in any way.

Then my mum died. She did something odd on her deathbed that brought all my trauma's and all the family issues back. And after her death and some family trouble, I started to collapse into psychoses again. I was too frightened of family.

So. Now my kid has one parent he doesn't know because he was so troubled that it was dangerous. One parent who is so traumatized she can't care for him. One grandparent who died. And my dad also clearly has issues, but says he is perfect and doesn't need help.

In the little time I'm given with my kid weekly, I try to do fun things. I try to talk with him. I try to explain it is not his fault. I don't scold, beat, manipulate or whatever. But still I'm not a safe mother, because I'm sometimes there and sometimes in the hospital. And I'm fully aware that he senses that in a way I'm unsafe because of my trauma. I sought help with a children's therapist to work on being a better mum. But I just don't have access to the help I truly needed. Which is trauma therapy and systems therapy and safety in my family.

I'm also worried about the situation at my dad's place. I'm kept away nearly completely, am not told or shown anything about what happens there. My son looks slightly neglected, with undone hair and clothes that are sometimes dirty or too small. His room and bed are dirty. He says granddad doesn't do fun things or read to him or whatever, because he always works. Even the kindest remark about that or offer to help, leads to me being scolded. My son is told I'm a bad mother and the cause of everything bad. Things I find important, like faith, are being said to be bad ('your school is way too christian, those bible stories aren't true, you know that, don't you? etc). My son used to tell me nasty things were being said to him (as was done to me as a child) or he was scared to go against granddad because he is scared of him. But he was so manipulated in response, by keeping him awake and telling him he was making granddad and everyone very very sad, that he now says nothing anymore. The school signals too that he is not allowed to do things that are normal for kids his age here (bicycling to school) and he has little independence or opinion of his own. I have always felt I couldn't have my own personality in my family, so this worries me.

I'm worried about my own incapability to care for my kid. I'm worried about my family's care for him too. The way they treat me and my son frightens me so, that i am not emotionally stable. I ask for help again and again and again. People don't respond. Or they respond by telling me my family is normal and I'm sick. I don't know anymore what to do to be there for my kid. I have begged my dad to seek help together and each look at our own issues, that I do things wrong and am willing to work on them, but I also really would like it if he sought help too. He says, basicly, that he is perfect and needs no help.

What now?